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WHAT keeps a relationship going through tough times? We speak to three couples to find out.

Date: 2007-12-04

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Obey thy heart, give all to love." We all know
the benefits of surrendering our hearts to another, including increased
health, greater happiness and a longer life. But what happens when life gets
hard and your relationship hits rocky terrain?

We ask three couples who have endured the tests of time for the secrets to a
successful relationship and how they keep the love alive.

Osnat Marshall (33) and Cameron Marshall (34) have been together for six
years and are expecting their first child.

Cameron: Osnat and I had been living together for a year when I went to
Israel to meet her family. My bag got lost so when I arrived in Israel I
didn't have any clothes, and then the war in Iraq started. I'd met Osnat's
dad a few times in the first week and then he was tragically killed by a car
crossing the road. We went through the whole Jewish mourning period, which
was something really different for me.

We overcame that time with lots of hugs and kisses and by talking a lot. The
whole experience definitely made us stronger.

As a man I obviously can't think like a woman, but it's important for me to
respect, listen and try to understand her. It can be hard because we are
made up differently, so it's good if you can understand that, be aware of it
and give her the space she needs, or the opposite - be close to her when she
needs it.


Osnat: When we first met, the language barrier was very hard. I am Israeli
and spoke French and Hebrew and Cam spoke English, but when we started
talking, it just felt right.

I wasn't sure if I was going to come back to Australia after my dad died
because it felt like the end of the world for me. At the same time my
application for Australian residency was rejected. I was extremely lucky to
have Cam with me as he is so gentle and understanding.

My advice for marriage? We are one, but you have to remember your husband is
a different person and you can't control him or predict what he is going to
do. Just plan to know each other more, and learn about the other person's
needs. Surprise each other as well; that can be positive. Have fun now and
deal with the big things when they come.

Josephine McAleer (49) and Tim McAleer (53) have been married for over 20
years and have two children.

Tim: I think we seek that which complements us, because Josephine and I are
total opposites in every way. It gets pretty tempestuous at times, but for
me it's really simple - there is nobody else I want.

The biggest destroyer of relationships is trying to change somebody else's
behaviour. A time that was hard for us was when Josephine was studying for
her masters degree. As much as I could respect and admire her for going back
to university, it drove me mad because I felt she was ignoring the family
and there was a huge amount of friction between us.

But I learnt to accept that the only person's behaviour I can change is my
own, and to allow the other person to self-actualise and be who they have to
be. I think love should be nurturing. A lot of what passes for love in our
society isn't that at all; it's about ownership, control or making yourself
look good. But if you are in the relationship for the other person to be
bigger, stronger, better and brighter, then you are loving that person.

Josephine: Tim is a very bright man, has a lot of integrity and is someone I
have always respected. We do butt heads and I don't think we will ever stop.
Initially, I thought, "This is not going to work", but it was about getting
to a place where I felt assured that conflict did not mean the end of our
relationship. And while our personalities are different, our fundamental
values are very much the same.

One of the best things we did was go to a marriage counsellor, who gave us
certain rules for engagement - now we won't interrupt each other, raise our
voices or call each other names.
For me, love is trust. It's knowing that Tim is not going to walk out the
door if I mess up. He is going to catch me if I stumble and won't let me
fall.

Ethel May and Norman Treleaven are both in their nineties. They met just
before World War II and have been married for over 65 years.

Norman: The best thing that has ever happened to me was when May said "Yes".
She was my first and only girlfriend and after 65 years together I am still
in love with her. The secret is to give and take. I

t's impossible to have it all your own way. If you are determined to get
your own way, you'll have a row. The relationship will finish. When two
people with strong personalities are together one has to give way, or you
part. Just work it out. Know how to say, "Yes, dear."

It is also good to please one another. May is often unwell, so I like to
spoil her and I'm sure it helps. I know what she likes. When you are happily
married you want to do things together. We are happy in one another's
company.

Even now we get up and go for a walk together before breakfast. I strongly
recommend marriage. It's the friendship, the company, it's knowing you
always have something to work towards. When you are on your own it can be
lonely, but being married has so many benefits. It's life! I don't know what
I'd do without her.

May: When we got married, Norm's mother said to me, "May, if ever you have a
row with Norm, don't go to bed until you have straightened it out." You can
be cranky and snub one another all day, but come night we say we are sorry.

When I first had the stroke Norm had to do everything - for 10 years he did
all the housework and looked after me. Even now I can hardly bend and I have
trouble balancing, so Norm dries my hair, puts my shoes on, gets the bed
ready.

Just the other night, Norm turned to me and said, "I love you still!" Even
after all this time we are in love and just want to be with one another.


Tips for a successful marriage

Dr John Gottman, psychologist, relationship expert and co-author of The New
York Times bestseller, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work (Crown)
offers these tips for achieving a happy union:

* Focus on the bright side - In a happy marriage couples make at least five
times as many positive statements to and about each other and their
relationship as negative ones. A good marriage must have a climate of
positivity.

* Edit yourself - Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when
discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.

* Have high standards - Happy couples have high standards for each other
even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who refuse to
accept hurtful behaviour from another. The lower the tolerance for bad
behaviour in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down
the road.

* Seek help early - The average couple waits six years before seeking help
for marital problems, meaning that the average couple lives with unhappiness
for far too long.

* Learn to repair and exit the argument - Successful couples know how to
exit an argument and repair the situation before it gets out of hand.
Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something
completely unrelated; using humour; making it clear you are on common
ground; backing down (in marriage, as in martial arts, you have to yield to
win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and
his or her feelings along the way. If an argument gets too heated, take a
20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both
calm.
couples to find out.

Source: http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22847377-5006012,00





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