Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Obey thy heart, give all to love." We all know the benefits of surrendering our hearts to another, including increased health, greater happiness and a longer life. But what happens when life gets hard and your relationship hits rocky terrain?
We ask three couples who have endured the tests of time for the secrets to a successful relationship and how they keep the love alive.
Osnat Marshall (33) and Cameron Marshall (34) have been together for six years and are expecting their first child.
Cameron: Osnat and I had been living together for a year when I went to Israel to meet her family. My bag got lost so when I arrived in Israel I didn't have any clothes, and then the war in Iraq started. I'd met Osnat's dad a few times in the first week and then he was tragically killed by a car crossing the road. We went through the whole Jewish mourning period, which was something really different for me.
We overcame that time with lots of hugs and kisses and by talking a lot. The whole experience definitely made us stronger.
As a man I obviously can't think like a woman, but it's important for me to respect, listen and try to understand her. It can be hard because we are made up differently, so it's good if you can understand that, be aware of it and give her the space she needs, or the opposite - be close to her when she needs it.
Osnat: When we first met, the language barrier was very hard. I am Israeli and spoke French and Hebrew and Cam spoke English, but when we started talking, it just felt right.
I wasn't sure if I was going to come back to Australia after my dad died because it felt like the end of the world for me. At the same time my application for Australian residency was rejected. I was extremely lucky to have Cam with me as he is so gentle and understanding.
My advice for marriage? We are one, but you have to remember your husband is a different person and you can't control him or predict what he is going to do. Just plan to know each other more, and learn about the other person's needs. Surprise each other as well; that can be positive. Have fun now and deal with the big things when they come.
Josephine McAleer (49) and Tim McAleer (53) have been married for over 20 years and have two children.
Tim: I think we seek that which complements us, because Josephine and I are total opposites in every way. It gets pretty tempestuous at times, but for me it's really simple - there is nobody else I want.
The biggest destroyer of relationships is trying to change somebody else's behaviour. A time that was hard for us was when Josephine was studying for her masters degree. As much as I could respect and admire her for going back to university, it drove me mad because I felt she was ignoring the family and there was a huge amount of friction between us.
But I learnt to accept that the only person's behaviour I can change is my own, and to allow the other person to self-actualise and be who they have to be. I think love should be nurturing. A lot of what passes for love in our society isn't that at all; it's about ownership, control or making yourself look good. But if you are in the relationship for the other person to be bigger, stronger, better and brighter, then you are loving that person.
Josephine: Tim is a very bright man, has a lot of integrity and is someone I have always respected. We do butt heads and I don't think we will ever stop. Initially, I thought, "This is not going to work", but it was about getting to a place where I felt assured that conflict did not mean the end of our relationship. And while our personalities are different, our fundamental values are very much the same.
One of the best things we did was go to a marriage counsellor, who gave us certain rules for engagement - now we won't interrupt each other, raise our voices or call each other names. For me, love is trust. It's knowing that Tim is not going to walk out the door if I mess up. He is going to catch me if I stumble and won't let me fall.
Ethel May and Norman Treleaven are both in their nineties. They met just before World War II and have been married for over 65 years.
Norman: The best thing that has ever happened to me was when May said "Yes". She was my first and only girlfriend and after 65 years together I am still in love with her. The secret is to give and take. I
t's impossible to have it all your own way. If you are determined to get your own way, you'll have a row. The relationship will finish. When two people with strong personalities are together one has to give way, or you part. Just work it out. Know how to say, "Yes, dear."
It is also good to please one another. May is often unwell, so I like to spoil her and I'm sure it helps. I know what she likes. When you are happily married you want to do things together. We are happy in one another's company.
Even now we get up and go for a walk together before breakfast. I strongly recommend marriage. It's the friendship, the company, it's knowing you always have something to work towards. When you are on your own it can be lonely, but being married has so many benefits. It's life! I don't know what I'd do without her.
May: When we got married, Norm's mother said to me, "May, if ever you have a row with Norm, don't go to bed until you have straightened it out." You can be cranky and snub one another all day, but come night we say we are sorry.
When I first had the stroke Norm had to do everything - for 10 years he did all the housework and looked after me. Even now I can hardly bend and I have trouble balancing, so Norm dries my hair, puts my shoes on, gets the bed ready.
Just the other night, Norm turned to me and said, "I love you still!" Even after all this time we are in love and just want to be with one another.
Tips for a successful marriage
Dr John Gottman, psychologist, relationship expert and co-author of The New York Times bestseller, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work (Crown) offers these tips for achieving a happy union:
* Focus on the bright side - In a happy marriage couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. A good marriage must have a climate of positivity.
* Edit yourself - Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.
* Have high standards - Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who refuse to accept hurtful behaviour from another. The lower the tolerance for bad behaviour in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
* Seek help early - The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems, meaning that the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.
* Learn to repair and exit the argument - Successful couples know how to exit an argument and repair the situation before it gets out of hand. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humour; making it clear you are on common ground; backing down (in marriage, as in martial arts, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way. If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm. couples to find out. Source: http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22847377-5006012,00
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