People look at you differently if you're smiling, she apparently said in all seriousness. The very act leads to your endorphins kicking in, which makes you more fun, which in turn helps others ask you out. It's as simple as that.
Except that we really know it isn't, don't we? Sometimes, a simplistic solution is too much so for the complicated times we live in. This is the age of work 24/7, of speed dating, immediate gratification (nothing less!) and the resulting impostor syndrome, in which people tend to get all self-critical when a mere meeting over coffee doesn't work out, never mind a relationship. We think we're too fat, too forward, not forward or smart enough - and why, oh why did we order that spaghetti with messy meatballs that dripped all over?
Barbara Ellen, a columnist for the Observer magazine, calls this "psychosexual snake oil," an apt term for something that can wreak havoc with our senses of self esteem. She writes: "In this way, for some women, the feminine form of the question 'What is wrong?' quick as a heartbeat becomes 'What is wrong with me?' While for others, in another dark twist of feminine logic, it can turn into 'Who or what is responsible for what is wrong with me?' "
It's a vicious circle, one that would well be broken if only we decided we are really fine, happy, albeit sometimes unsmiling, on our own, with no mate to leave the toilet seat up, dishes in the sink and the bed for us to make in the morning.
But if that seems unthinkable, psychiatrist Victoria Lukats, who moonlights as the relationship expert for PARSHIP, a very large European dating website, suggests that you try "d"-tox - as in ridding yourself of all your "dating toxins." Really.
Lukats created "Dating Detox" after PARSHIP research showed that 5.6 million British singles haven't been on a date in more than six months, while only one in seven first dates lead to a second one. A program that combines psychoanalysis and cognitive behaviour therapy with dating etiquette and (natch) the matchmaking service, it is supposed to help the dating disabled cleanse themselves of toxins such as shyness, fussiness, low self-esteem, lack of opportunity and desperation.
In other words, the answer to the question, "What's wrong with me?" is, well, "me."
"Forget the usual excuses," Lukats said in a news release. "It's not lifestyle that's holding people back from forming a relationship. It's what's going on in their head."
The treatment, she continued, is akin to how you'd treat someone with a medically recognized phobia. "It's called exposure and response prevention. You encourage the individual to put him or herself in the feared situation and instead of doing what they'd normally do - for instance, a shy person will look at the floor and go home - you encourage them do things differently."
Okay. So what is a preternaturally shy, fussy, self-critical and desperate wannabe dater to do?
Simple: Break your strategies into manageable tasks. Take baby steps at first, such as saying "Good Morning!" to your colleagues at the office, or asking a stranger for street directions. Chart your progress by making eye contact with people in an elevator, with the ultimate goal being that you, brazen hussy/guy, ask someone out on a date.
Lukats recommends that each exercise be done for 45 minutes, which is supposed to help lower your anxiety levels, though I wonder, for example, how brightly greeting your colleagues over such a protracted period would affect theirs. You know: "Psst, crazy person alert!"
Sheesh. What's next? Spas for the dating disabled? Aromatherapy wraps to boost both skin suppleness and self esteem?
Better to follow my mother's (free) advice: "Stand straight, act natural and after a certain age, if you're a woman at least, put on some damned lipstick." Source: http://www.canada.com/montrealgazette/columnists/story?id=bb80e414-91a8-4286-b5b1-acbdd72d6c74
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