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Innocently thinking it was an online dating agency in disguise, I optimistically joined Facebook in the hope that desperate women would soon be knocking on my door. Fast forward four months, however, and my life is still devoid of vamps and vixens - but I can count almost 40 friends.
At least, they claim to be my friends but, on social networking sites such as Facebook, Friendster and MySpace, you never can tell. After all, some of my so-called friends barely know me (I didn't even recognise two of them by their photos) or avoid me in real life. I even agreed to be one person's friend because he's so psychotic I was scared of what would happen if I said no. As the old adage goes, with friends like these who needs enemies?
As in most social networking sites (see box for the lowdown on the most common ones), once you sign up a friend their photo appears on your profile, meaning the more friends you have the more popular you seem. This has led to accusations that these sites are little more than popularity contests. For example, Urban Dictionary's primary definition of MySpace is that it is "the ultimate game of testing your ego". Facebook users can install applications such as The Number and Friend Rank that calculates their popularity in comparison with others. I would have installed them myself but my ego is low enough as it is.
For those not familiar, online social networks allow you to post photos of yourself as well as information such as age, sex, where you live, what you do, how you're currently feeling and so forth. They all have their own quirks: whereas MySpace is popular with musicians who want to put their music online, Facebook is more about interacting with others by sending messages and giving fake gifts such as digital cocktails.
There can also be socio-economic distinctions. Dana Boyd, a sociologist at the University of California, says that Facebook attracts more preppy and well-off people while MySpace lures those more likely to be ostracised by society. I suspect I chose the wrong network.
Most social networks also let you search for people with specific qualities, such as having gone to the same school or worked at the same company as you and, since you can also search for single people, they've often been criticised for being perfect for stalkers. On Facebook you can not only track someone down but then find out what they're doing via their status messages, even if it's just having a shower - leading some to dub it Stalkbook.
Provided someone becomes your friend you also receive updates on the minutiae of their lives thanks to the constantly updated news feed, a feature which some find unnerving. For example, if you search Facebook's online communities using the word "stalk" or "privacy" you will come across hundreds of groups with names such as "Facebook feed has just killed privacy".
"I think it's a little creepy," says Theo Chapman, a recent Facebook user. "I didn't realise I would get updates about my friends' activities on the system. It's all a bit 1984 ... is the next step to publicly denounce people?"
The growing backlash against social networking has seen the rise of parody sites and Facebook applications such as Snubster, Hatebook (which has a section in users' profiles called "Why I'm Better Than You!") and Enemybook. Personally, if I were to create a parody I'd call it Fakebook.
The creator of Enemybook, Kevin Matulef, calls his site a satire of social networks and online relationships in general. "People are definitely frustrated with the proliferation of 'online friends' that they hardly see, communicate with, or even know," Matulef says. "But I think the frustration runs deeper than that. It's really the whole idea of having to define yourself via your favourite movies, TV shows, how many friends you have etc. It all adds up to a very superficial representation of you and your relationships."
Then again, you don't have to be listed as someone's nemesis on Snubster or Hatebook in order to feel slighted - you just need an ex to send you a link to their profile so you can read about their fabulous new life without you. I've learnt from experience that this happens and I'm far from the only one - the internet has scores of angry and upset blog posts detailing similar incidents. Whereas in the real world we don't always bump into our exes, online it can be hard to avoid them - even while writing this, for example, a friend had an ex-boyfriend send her a friend request, leading her to obsessively pore over his profile.
"I'm already jealous of other girls on his site and have decided to avoid further interaction," she says.
It can get worse, however, as some people are actually dumped via Facebook - one pitiful blog entry describes how a poor fellow only found out his relationship was over when he noticed his girlfriend had changed her profile status to single.
A more gentle form of rejection, or at least of neglect, is finding out that your friends like other people more than you. Just finding out that you are not ranked in a friend's Top 8 list of close buddies on MySpace can do it, whereas being notified of all the imitation drinks and gifts that everyone else except you is receiving on Facebook will have a similar effect. After all, it's one thing for someone not to include you in a round at the pub but when they won't even send you a free fake beer you know you're low on their social pecking order.
Social networks can also be the perfect gauche tool to show off your culture and success. Once upon a time you'd have a dinner party and take out your finest china and antiques, a la Hyacinth Bucket from TV's Keeping Up Appearances. Now you can tell everyone about what highbrow books you are reading by putting them on your virtual bookshelf, list all the eclectic bands that you like and post a picture of some art on your profile to look cultured. I know I did.
One thing social networks do very well is make it easy to keep in touch with people. If you're travelling overseas, for example, you now only have to update your profile rather than email people or, heaven forbid, send postcards. A friend of mine recently took this method of communication further by becoming engaged - and only telling her friends about it by updating her profile status.
Whether this communication is as valued or meaningful as a face-to-face or telephone conversation, however, is another matter. Furthermore, if you don't care enough about someone to want to meet up with them, then is that relationship even worth maintaining? There's a reason why people drift away from each other.
It's this lack of anything in common with people that might explain the popularity of Facebook's most famous feature, the poke. To lower the level of articulation even further, this non-verbal communique simply registers on the other person's computer by telling them you poked them - and that's it. This makes it excellent for acknowledging that your friends are still alive even when you can't be bothered actually speaking to them. The more evolved can also Super Poke people, which allows you to perform (or at least say that you performed) far more sophisticated functions such as spanking and, of course, groping.
After all these snide comments you might be wondering why I don't just leave Facebook and stop complaining. Well, I've fantasised about it. Many times. But in the same way that you can't just join a cult or the Mafia and then walk away, you can't abandon your Facebook network without offending the legions of people who have asked to be your friend, posted messages on your profile and sent you fake drinks (although I am in short supply of those). Or can you?
I pose the question to Maz Hardy, who runs the Facebook Etiquette blog and is completing a doctoral thesis on the social impact of new social media. I'm hoping she'll give the same answer as a friend of mine who, having never been on Facebook, simply looked at me oddly and said "What's wrong with you? Just leave!"
Hardy, however, has a different view. "No," she says firmly. "The answer is in the question, with the key word being 'abandon'. You would not expect such social behaviour outside of Facebook, therefore abandoning friends on social networks carries as much social negativity as in 'real' life."
Oh.
Oh dear.
You know, in that case perhaps I should post a more flattering photo of myself on my profile.
By Dan Kaufman
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