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Thanks to technology one can have breakfast in Karachi, Pakistan, lunch in Nairobi and supper in Dubai.
As the global village becomes more networked more young men and women are following their heart’s desire, in terms of careers, far beyond their national boundaries.
In pursuit of their dream job many couples are forced to live apart for extended periods of time reuniting occasionally, when their busy schedules allow.
This has given rise to long distance families going against the grain of traditional belief of marriage where partners have to stay together regardless of what life shoves at them, and create a home. Forget the mantra, "till death do us part" career is sending partners in different directions.
Apart from career fulfillment, there is always the strain and the loneliness in such relationships. While many relationships survive many others crumble with some partners engaging in infidelity.
Violet and James Munywoki are a testimony of the hassles of such a relationship. Their careers drove them apart with Violet working in London while James remains in Nairobi.
They got married nine years ago but the search for greener pastures and expectation of a good life had the better of them. After the first two anniversaries, Violet was not satisfied with the direction her career was taking. "It was routine. I reached a point where I could do my job with my eyes closed. I needed something more challenging to jumpstart my career," she says.
Working for an international organisation, she applied for a transfer to other towns and countries in the region. "Instead, I got a chance that turned out to be the ultimate challenge — to go work in the organisation’s headquarters in London," she says.
With only a month to prepare, she had to come to an arrangement with her husband fast. "I decided to take the job believing that I could balance the demands of my marriage and career," she says.
Big test
Little did she know that it would be the biggest test of her marriage. "The first few months were easy because we would speak on the telephone nearly everyday and chat through the Internet," she says. After the first six months they started communicating less frequently. "We would go for upto four days without calling each other, expect for the occasional email or two," she says.
"This took a toll on our marriage although my career thrived. I knew I had to do something urgently," she says.
She took a short leave and returned to Kenya to salvage her marriage.
Divorce was out of the question. " I realised that as much as my career meant a lot to me, my husband meant more," she says.
Before she came back James too had contemplated going to the UK for the same reason. "My career as a banker was going well and I was undertaking a master’s degree course after I found myself with a lot of free time," he says.
When Violet arrived the first thing she told her husband was that if he wanted her to stay, she would do so gladly.
But James would not have any of that. "I knew that if I clipped her wings, I would never forgive myself," he says. And with that, they came up with a plan of making things work for them. It included visiting each other twice or thrice a year. "This meant that both of us would make journeys across the globe four or six times a year. Money was not a problem," she says. They also made a commitment to call each other three times a week. "Thanks to technology, we chat whenever we can and send each other emails. We get to see, each other through the Internet camera," she says.
The couple also renewed their commitment to be faithful to each other. "Just like any other woman living away from her husband, the thought of infidelity crossed my mind but I had to trust him the same way he trusted me, to a point of encouraging me to follow my dreams in a far away land," says Violet.
James says that he trusts his wife completely. "I do not entertain such thoughts and I do not regret my decision," he says.
The fact that the couple has no children has made things slightly easier. "When we have children, we will know what to do then. We are taking it a day at a time," says Violet.
Unbearable life
For Judy and Clement Okoth, living apart is not as easy as others may paint it. "Clement is always out of the country for most of the year and I live in constant fear of him not coming back one day," says Judy. They have been married for six years and have two children.
"His work involves too much travelling. I worry about the people he meets, the amount of time spent in the skies and the ever increasing insecurity in the world," she says.
When Clement got the job she believes she had no choice but to let him go for it. "It was his dream job and on top of that, he enjoys travelling. He was very happy about it," she says.
Judy immersed herself in her work to keep from feeling lonely.
At first things were great. "He would bring back little mementos and gifts from his trips and that would make me look forward to his next trip, which usually lasted three to four months, two or three times a year," she says. "After the birth of our first child, things started becoming difficult and after the birth of the second one, two years later, the situation became almost unbearable," she says
She had to cut back the crazy hours she spent at the office and going out with friends to care for her children alone. She felt like a single mother. "I thought I would go insane. The life I was leading was not the one I had imagined for my children and myself."
"When he came home, we would be one big happy family but when he left, I would go back to being a ‘single mother’," says Judy.
So why did she not divorce him?
"I got used to life without him being around. Although we frequently speak over the phone nearly everyday, life is not the same," she says.
Judy lives with the hope that the job will not last a lifetime and finally they would be together.
Although experts argue that the toughest phase of such a marriage comes with the longed-for permanent reunion, Judy says she is very ready to take that on. "I am sure I will be able to readjust from being a, ‘single mother’ to being a married one. I hope that until then, I will not be forced to put my career on hold," she says.
Initially experts though that long distance relationships were detrimental to a marriage but they are beginning to change their minds. Studies show that distance could retard the development of the relationship but also allow space for personal and career growth. Technology such instant messaging, emails, Internet chartrooms and video conferencing make parting easier by facilitating a virtual pillow talk that keeps couples in touch.
By Esther Mumbua
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