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Every so often even the females of the species have to scrabble around for a reason as to why they are not Getting Lucky. This may come as a surprise to men, who may be forgiven for feeling that they do all the hard work, and all women have to do is be blonde, under-25, and turn up to every social function in a miniskirt that barely covers their stocking tops (anything less and they just aren't making the effort). Back in the real world, it's the same old story of 'equal but different'. Unlucky-in-love males prefer to put the blame on some non-negotiable tangible - as in, they are stalkers/in prison/rabid, but, for some reason, women just aren't giving them a chance.
Women, on the other hand, like to rub a bit of psychosexual snake oil into the equation. In this way, for some women, the feminine form of the question 'What is wrong?' quick as a heartbeat becomes 'What is wrong with me?' While for others, in another dark twist of feminine logic, it can turn into 'Who or what is responsible for what is wrong with me?'
While I feel sad for the first set of women (self-blamers) and feel a certain kinship with the second lot (that's how I'd play it - try to pin the blame on someone else), one can't help suspecting that both groups may be candidates for Dating Toxins.
What are Dating Toxins? Firstly, they are not regular DTs. For some of us, 'the DTs' evokes something altogether different from dating, involving too much alcohol, shameful behaviour and a bad case of the shakes the next day (oh, not so different then). Secondly, rather boringly, it turns out that Dating Toxins are not real as such - one can't go to a spa, put on a fluffy bathrobe and have your 'dating toxins' magically massaged and loofah-ed away, while you bitch, with cucumber circles on your eyes, about how thin Posh Spice is getting.
However, according to research carried out by PASHIP, the dating agency, DTs have an all-too real effect on romance, infecting 5.6m British singles, male and female, with a build-up of key 'toxins' - low self-esteem, shyness, fussiness and desperation. These dating toxins ultimately stop innocent people from going on successful dates and finding true and lasting love.
All of which fascinating science, sadly, may have arrived just a little too late to help Prince Harry and Chelsey, as they deal with their own relationship difficulties. Though in Chelsey's case the dating toxin in question seems to have been 'Leeds'.
Saying that, all this stuff about Dating Toxins raises some interesting questions: could it be possible that one can become infected with a kind of 'ugly bug', brought on by a 'totally screwed up' virus, that turns the victim into a repellent psychosexual disaster area, whom very few of the opposite sex can bear to see or touch? Is the mystery of John McCririck to be solved at long last?
And if so, once infected with this 'ugly bug', might it be possible to be 'vaccinated' against such horror? To be able to go to your GP and say, 'Help, my ex left me with "dating toxins",' and get a jab in your arm to make everything OK. Kind of like an adult, really sexy version of MMR. On the other hand, isn't trying to eradicate Dating Toxins missing the point of the human condition? In that it's all right for nice, beautiful people with nothing to hide, but most of us, after a certain age, are just one big Dating Toxin - take away the stuff that might repel people and there's really not that much left.
While all babies arrive perfect, some of the traits we pick up along this mortal coil aren't so attractive. However, without them, our personalities would be unfinished, incomplete - we would all just be pies waiting for cherries on top, outlines waiting to be coloured in.
Bearing that in mind, maybe if you took out the Dating Toxins, one might inadvertently take out the entire global dating scene. For what else is happening out there if not lost souls huddled together, silently mouthing 'Love me, accept me, but don't notice too much about me, until it's too late', and trying to cadge a drink. Indeed, as Hal and Chelsey may have found, the trouble with some Brave (toxin-free) New Worlds is that often they're just the old one in disguise....
By Barbara Ellen
The Observer
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