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Don't be needy
Do you hate sooks? I hate hate sooks. I reckon women don't like 'em either. More than that, I think deep down a lot of females are so repulsed by whiney, clingy, needy guys, that it's almost physically impossible for them to be attracted to this sort of man.
Laugh
I don't care what's going on in a relationship, what stresses you're both under, if you can laugh with your partner you're way ahead of the pack. One thing I know, when I walk down the aisle, it'll be with a woman who cracks me up at the most inappropriate times.
Listen
This is probably the hardest thing to achieve on this list because people just don't listen to each other, full stop. What's more, it's exhausting.
As I've quoted previously, in the book The Road Less Travelled, American psychiatrist M. Scott Peck argues that the "work of attention" is one of the cornerstones of any loving relationship, whether that be with someone else or yourself: "When we love another we give him or her our attention; we attend to that person's growth. When we love ourselves we attend to our own growth."
The act of listening, says Peck, requires we "actively shift our consciousness. Attention is an act of will against the inertia of our minds. Most of the time we lack this energy. Even though we may feel in our business dealings or social relationships that we are listening very hard, what we are usually doing is listening selectively, with a preset agenda in mind, wondering as we listen how we can achieve certain desired results and get the conversation over with as quickly as possible or redirected in ways more satisfactory to us."
Don't sulk
Many men seem to treat their girlfriend or wife as a replacement for their mother. When they don't get their own way, they backslide into behaviour patterns that bore fruit when they were 11. Sulking is unseemly and childish.
By the time you're 25, you should have this worked out - you don't always get what you want, it's just the way the world works. I wish someone would introduce George W. Bush and the fat, old brats in the Republican Party to this concept.
If you do want a bosom to cry on, that's what your mum's for; spare your partner the spectacle.
Continue to grow
A lot of men find the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with, then give up. They brush their mates, they stop surfing, neglect their fitness and hobbies, they lose their curiosity about the world and concentrate on beer and food to numb the fact they're never having sex with another woman again.
After four, five, seven, ten years with a partner, you're not going to be the same person and neither will she; if you are, something is seriously wrong. So do not resist the process of change, embrace it and continue to eat up the world and its knowledge.
Top tip: I reckon part of the joy of growing, is doing it with your partner, tackling a new language together, training for the City to Surf as a team, buying the scatbox as a couple.
Date night
I know this is a little lame, a little Women's Weekly, but setting aside a night or a few hours every week where you can just be with your partner and do something cool - whether that's eating good food, going rock fishing, getting massages together - it's so friggin' essential it should be written into every marriage contract.
Be a man
What I mean by this is don't be afraid to communicate your emotions, but remain strong, be dependable, make decisions, lead, be your word.
Don't take crap
I'm going with Robert DeNiro in Heat on this one. He says, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."
Now I'm not suggesting you be this cut and dried with a long-term relationship, especially if children are involved, but I do believe it is necessary to let a woman know that there's a threshold of poor behaviour that cannot be crossed in a relationship without grave consequences, i.e, you walk or throw her out.
It keeps everyone honest; no woman, no person, is worth your self-respect.
Do the things you did at the beginning of the relationship
Like getting her a cup of tea (or a ferociously dry martini) when you're both buggered, leaving notes on her dashboard in the morning, surprising her with weekends away and molesting her in elevators.
Keep shagging
In the Tennesee Williams classic Cat on a Hot Tin Roof Ida 'Big Momma' Pollitt played by Judith Anderson gives her daughter-in-law Maggie The Cat, played by Elizabeth Taylor, some sage advice: "When a marriage hits the rocks, the rocks are right here" (and she pats Maggie's bed).
Every relationship I've been in that's gone pear-shaped, the emotional distance between us manifested itself as a physical distance pretty early in the piece. I understand you can't just f--- your problems away (that's what communication and listening are for) but almost every issue you confront as a couple seems less overwhelming after an hour of slamming each other.
Don't ignore your partner's sexual fantasies
This is a tricky one, because no-one should be bullied into perversions or weirdness if they don't feel comfortable. At the same time, you ignore your partner's sexual fantasies at your own peril.
Fantasies have a monotonous habit of drawing both sexes into infidelity because they have such a powerful hold over human beings and partners often dismiss them as "none of my business."
If your partner continually vocalises the desire to indulge in a particular fantasy and it's not illegal and it's not going to physically or mentally endanger you, I think you owe it to them to at least consider what they're requesting.
If you ask me, it's just another way of stretching yourself as a person and you'll be amazed at how it builds intimacy in a relationship - knowing that they trust you and you alone to do a certain thing.
Don't be (too) possessive
Jealousy kills a relationship almost as quick as a shotgun and a nine day ice binge but I think we all like to know our partner actually gives a crap. If your girl is staying out 'til dawn every weekend, I reckon you're within your rights to know who she's with and what she's doing.
Celebrate the small things
I don't think you can ever make too big a deal about the milestones of a relationship - anniversaries, first kisses, kids, birthdays. It's also wonderful to go to town when your girl achieves things in her job or personal life, like promotions, becoming a black-belt, finishing a triathlon, or getting a Brazilian.
Pash
I love it when you see an old couples kiss each other goodbye and one of them slips the tongue in, they forget themselves for a moment and hook in like they're at a blue light disco.
If you're still pashing, there's still passion.
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