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It is now generally assumed that people will live with someone before they marry. And of those who eventually marry, more than a third will divorce. But what is often forgotten in the statistical salad bar are the pseudo-divorces that eventuate from non-marriages – the heart-wrenching, surprisingly painful end of the live-in relationship with the person you thought was going to be the love of your life.
The average age at which people marry has increased over the past two decades from 24 to 29 years for women, and from 27 to 32 years for men. We could assume Australian men and women are using the extra five years for more torturous blind dates, to suffer through speed dating or to be particularly picky on RSVP.com. It is more likely, however, that the majority of the Y Generation are instead experiencing a sort of "taster marriage" by living with a long-term partner in their early to mid-20s.
We rarely marry that person, so at least we are helping to reduce the divorce rate. But the lack of a wedding does not protect you from the reality of a divorce. We might as well have married for the sake of a nice dress and a good party.
Some might think that equating a non-marriage relationship break-up with a divorce somehow cheapens marriage, but it is quite the opposite. Those who have experienced the non-marriage divorce have a greater respect for those who actually manage to make marriages work. Perhaps we were the quintessential gutless wonders for not taking the matrimonial leap in the first place, but at the very least we are now painfully aware of the dangers of leaping before you look.
Non-marriage divorcees are lucky to be spared the legal humiliations of an "actual" divorce. But the absence of a marriage certificate does not save us from the sad process of deciding to part in the first place, the awkward weeks or months of still cohabiting while trying to find somewhere else to live, and the arguments over dividing up the furniture, the sentimental knick-knacks and sometimes even the mutual friends.
Though these non-marriages are typically and mercifully childless, many ex-couples still feel the need to stay on good terms for the sake of a shared pet or DVD collection. Suddenly the shag-pile rug you once hated is now something you cannot live without, and complicated custody arrangements must be adhered to governing who gets which season of the West Wing DVDs.
Bearing most of the hallmarks of a real divorce, this experience at least prepares us for the realities of relationships.
Rebecca Huntley argues in her book The World According to Y that members of the Y Generation are likely to go through at least one divorce, if not two, in addition to the taster non-marriage of our 20s. But this assumes that Generation Ys will treat marriage as they treat shopping. The non-marriage divorce certainly cures us of the desire to go for the impulse buy.
More credit should be given to young people who have seen first-hand what it takes to make a relationship work.
If extricating oneself from a serious relationship was easy, we might be more inclined to take a cavalier approach. But after a non-marriage divorce we are under no such illusions. When we finally do take the plunge it may well be our first marriage, but ending it would be our second divorce.
Twenty-somethings are coming to think of the post non-marriage divorce stage as like second-round offers at university. Slightly singed by our first foray into commitment, we plunge back into the fray with others who have rejected their first-round offer.
We are wiser and perhaps more cautious than before, but we are still hopeful of eventually entering the hallowed halls of a "'til death us do part" relationship.
As for those who marry their second-round offers but still find themselves divorced, well, there's always postgraduate study.
By Erin O'Brien
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