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While Indians turn increasingly to dating as a means of finding their spouse, the West, ironically, is turning to arranged marriages, as several of them see the defects of the dating system.

Date: 2007-10-05

I must admit i see them, too. In fact, I think we are really lucky that we have so much support in our country as we do when it comes to finding one's life-partner. In the West, people must contrive places to meet the other sex, and when they do, they must get up the initiative to choose someone on their own (not an easy task) and then, must get up the courage to approach the person and ask them out (a real agonising process for the shy and quiet ones). Girls are still largely asked out instead of asking; if they are interested, they have to learn the language/art of encouragement so that the guy they choose understands that he has been chosen! Rather horrible.

Both parties have to feel some kind of positive interest, simultaneously (also not inevitable), rather than what is brought out so tragi-comically in Four Weddings ( A likes B who likes C...). Emotional and physical closeness develop, often before the decision to pair for life has been made at all, and so important is the "love" part that either party can call it off, anytime, because the "love" part went away, and then the trauma of the break-up! It plays havoc with one's self-esteem and one's heart and mind bear the imprints of the affair for long.

While our arranged marriage system can be weird too, I have seen the best of it, so still think it comes out better in comparison. My parents, for instance, were seriously concerned only about my happiness; they were willing to compromise on community, family status and so on (the usual gods Indians worship); they took all my choices into account when looking for someone for me; they asked my older friends for help; they were completely discreet and I never felt like the world was looking at me; they gave me the final decision, and gave me as much privacy as I wanted to meet the guy, and didn't put pressure on me to say yes (after one early disaster where they did that, and the guy's father later asked for dowry; i am happy to report my father broke the matter off directly, saying he was not interested in buying his daughter a husband; hehe).

Best of all, at least for me, I like to decide things with my head, not my heart - in an arranged marriage one can decide this vital matter without one's emotions in a tizzy. How can a girl decide that a particular guy is not likely to be faithful, if she is already beguiled by his sweet talk and sweet kisses? How can a guy make an objective decision about a girl, that, perhaps, she is a little silly or money-minded, if she is already looking deep into his eyes, close enough to set his heart racing with her scent?

This, strangely enough, is what people in the West are coming to realise, but its no easy matter for them to go against popular culture where love and romance play such a strong role. For us, the arranged marriage system is a good social support system that we have. It spares us a lot of needless pain and social agony. Yes, it needs to be improved, and handled wisely, and that is each of our responsibility, for ourselves and when it comes to our children, but its much too good to be thrown away.





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