I’ve recently been reading “Mockingbird,” a biography of Harper Lee, author of the acclaimed “To Kill A Mockingbird,” for my book discussion club. Charles J. Shields wrote this biography. In his introduction to it, he recalls mentioning to friends that he was researching the book and being repeatedly asked the same three questions about Harper Lee. The first was, “Is she still alive?” Answer: Yes. The second question was, “Is she married?” Answer: No. The third question: “Is she gay?” Shields writes that he doesn’t know if she is lesbian, heterosexual, or just asexual. I have found that much of his book seems to lean toward the last possibility simply because there is so little evidence of any sort of romantic or sexual relationship given.
What strikes me as most significant is the second question asking if she is wed. It is a standard question people ask when they meet and ask about a person under discussion. Whether or not one is married is a strongly defining state and of central importance. Being single is acceptable but still not considered the ideal. When Jerry Brown ran for Governor of California, many people thought his bachelor status worked against him. In an essay published in “Tikkun” magazine, the author found it significant that so many prominent women in the movement to outlaw abortion “are childless celibates like March for Life’s Nellie Gray” and that they seem “a bit, well, peculiar.” (Following up on this writer’s lead, I’ve written “To Celebrate Old Maid’s Day: A Match for Miss Gray?”) I have a relative who has supposedly found myself and my brothers “strange” since we are all middle-aged and older and none of us are married although I was wed for many years.
Many social conservatives want marriage to be considered important. However, it IS important as can be seen by the truth that negative stereotypes tend to adhere to those who are not married. They are seen as less stable, less dependable, less well adjusted than those who live in what is hoped to be connubial bliss. The single are suspected of being sexually irresponsible and promiscuous or sexually repressed and fearful. They are thought of as sadly lonely or flighty party animals.
Marriage has its own set of issues and negative stereotypes – the nagging or faithless wife, the controlling or philandering husband – but it remains a state that is considered preferable and more “normal” than the alternative.
Throughout human history, marriage has been considered of vital importance. May it forever remain so!
By Denise Noe