The ultimate question however is this: why are we attracted to those who are already obviously taken?
This is the question posed to me by 35-year-old reader Hiro who reckons that since he's got himself a girlfriend, his attraction level to other women has increased dramatically. While he assures me he hasn't done anything drastic in the looks or personality department, he's nevertheless seen a colossal shift in the way women look at him.
"I moved from Brisbane three years ago from Sydney and never had any success with going out with any girl for over 10 years," he explains. "The women I asked out just weren't interested. But now that I have a girlfriend, suddenly I've found that women are interested in me, wanting to go out for coffee, etc. I always decline because I tell them I'm attached but I realise it can't be anything else than I have a girlfriend because nothing else has changed with me!
"So I've come to the conclusion that women find guys with girlfriends more attractive than single guys. True or False? Is it because they want what they cannot or should not have? Or the guy is a safe bet or the guy has to be a good guy if he has a girlfriend.
"I also hear the `all the good guys are taken' stuff ad nauseum. Well, I wasn't taken when I was single and no women that I met gave me a second thought. Now that I have a girlfriend, it's the opposite. Weird."
Weird indeed. But back to the girlfriend thing. I am often flummoxed when I hear similar stories of singledom ruling a person's dating planet until they eventually find a mate. Suddenly out of nowhere (and much to their delight) they've got scores of hot singles hankering after them.
Why is this so?
There's been a couple of investigations into this bizarre element human behaviour and while I've mentioned a couple on this blog before, I thought I'd mention them again, for the sake of Hiro's benefit.
In regards to wanting what we can't have, renowned anthropologist from Rutgers University, Helen Fisher, says we can blame that magic "pleasure" chemical known as dopamine. By her reasoning, the chemical increases in our brain the longer it takes for a pleasure to be fulfilled, hence we actually enjoy yearning for something we know we can never actually have. (Thus we can blame dopamine for those unhealthy Jessica Alba or Ryan Gosling fascinations.)
But my favourite explanation stems from a fascinating survey carried out by scholars at the University of Louisville which introduced the notion of the "mate copying" syndrome. The premise is this: women are more comfortable with a man who has already been pre-approved by another female. In other words if I catch a man out of the corner of my eye being fawned upon by a fellow femme, he'll be more attractive to me than one who stands alone in the corner with a bunch of mates? Apparently so.
The study took 60 men and 74 women, showed them pictures of strangers and asked if they'd like to date them. They were also given information about whether other men and women, respectively, found the strangers attractive. They found that the women looked more closely at whether other women thought they were attractive too, concluding that when women see another female go after a bloke, they too find him attractive.
According to the researchers, it's evolutionary rather than simply a case of following the crowds, so it's something we have no control over. No wonder Hiro's getting so much attention of late...
by Samantha Brett
http://blogs.theage.com.au/lifestyle/asksam/archives/2007/09/ask_sam_friday_19
