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People often assume that the person they’re dating will change once they are married; that the bad habits, character flaws or troubling tendencies will all miraculously go away once they say, “I do.” Why?
Is it the magic tux he’s wearing? Her special-powers veil?
What is going to miraculously take away his wandering eye or tendency to drink too much? What will instantly remove her problem with overspending or telling the truth? I’m telling you, folks, it’s not the wedding ceremony, or even the honeymoon.
In fact, can’t we all just admit that we were, or are, on our best behavior when we were dating the person we thought we might marry? The “us” they saw during that time was the very best “us” there was. It wasn’t going to get any better.
So isn’t it rather naïve to imagine that the things that concern us about our potential spouse will just go away on the wedding day?
Now before I go any further, let me make a clear distinction – I’m talking about serious issues, matters of character, not annoying little habits. Some people let petty issues drive a wedge between them and their spouse when they probably just need to readjust expectations. If you don’t like the way he picks his teeth or the way she mushes cake and frosting together before eating it, this is not cause to break up with a person of strong character. They just may need a little more self-awareness.
At Georgia Family Council, one of our key functions is to deliver resources for people in communities across the state who care about marriage and families. For example, we bring in nationally recognized trainers in a variety of specialties to help equip local leaders to teach classes for citizens in their home town – all for the purpose of supporting marriage, decreasing divorce rates and keeping families together.
By far, our most memorable seminar title is: “How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk” by John Van Epp, Ph.D.
And truly, of all the things I could do for my children to help ensure their lifelong happiness, helping them avoid marrying the wrong person would be right up there near the top of the list.
The How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk seminar promotes a new approach to mate selection, created because of the woeful divorce statistics that began with the sexual revolution of the 50s, 60s and 70s. One example of the fallout of that time in our history is the jaded opinion of marriage held by many young people today.
For example, researchers found in a 2001 survey that almost 60 percent of high school seniors agreed with the statement, “It is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along.” We’ve written in a previous column about the irony of this belief. Why is it ironic? Because cohabiters who marry are as much as 46 percent more likely to divorce than those who marry without cohabiting.
The Avoid Marrying a Jerk curriculum recommends a systematic approach to dating and mate selection that can be taught by parents, schools and religious institutions. As a starting point, for example, Dr. Van Epp believes that definitions need to be given to the universal but mysterious concepts of love, trust, commitment, intimacy and attachment. As young people understand what these words really mean, along with their importance to lasting marriage, they may learn more about what it takes to sustain the marriage relationship for a lifetime.
Imagine the whole “dating scene” from junior high through college undergoing a complete makeover. What if parents taught their teenagers the flaws in the current system of choosing boyfriends and girlfriends based largely on outward appearance? What if kids learned that “hooking up” – sometimes referring to a sexual encounter without strings attached – and the trend of “pairing up and breaking up” only establish a relational pattern that teaches how to divorce?
Why are some parents so anxious for their sons to have girlfriends and their daughters to have boyfriends? Sure, we want our kids to feel special, to be affirmed, to know they are loved. But how many 14-year-olds actually grow up to marry their eighth-grade sweetheart? Some relationship experts actually believe we are teaching our kids the pattern of divorce when we adopt the “there are lots of fish in the sea” mentality.
Yes, any caring parent would want to help their child over the pain of a breakup. But instead of urging them to enter another similar relationship, why not suggest they learn to develop true, lasting friendships as a precursor to love and marriage?
So many elements of Van Epp’s “How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk” point to the value in singles, young and old, taking their time to get to know people before making any kind of romantic commitment to another.
His program teaches the individual how to maintain boundaries in the growing feelings of closeness, while knowing the specific areas to thoroughly consider in the premarital process. These areas include: 1) the individuals’ upbringing and family experiences, 2) the maturity of their conscience, 3) the scope of compatibility potential, 4) developed relationship skills and 5) previous relationship patterns.
Van Epp believes that if engaged or seriously dating couples worked hard to understand each other’s potential “baggage” in these areas, they would make better informed decisions about whether to continue the relationship. And these decisions may help lower the divorce rate and add to the growing premarital intervention movement.
Put bluntly, the fear of being alone often motivates young men and women to “settle” for someone who isn’t right for them.
An old friend of mine who worked with high school kids told them regularly: “You’d be better off being alone than being with the wrong person. Be patient. Wait. Rushing into a relationship just to have a relationship will only make you wish you were alone again.”
By RANDY HICKS
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