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Online dating skepticism turns into enchantment

Date: 2007-05-29

If Tanis Cogdell's dial-up Internet didn't take so long to connect, she would have been able to cancel her subscription to eharmony.com. She and David Jamar would never have met, and they wouldn't be getting married June 9.

But it did, and she didn't, and they did and they are. Welcome to relationships in the 21st century.

Cogdell, 23, grew up in Eagle River. She is pursuing a nursing degree at University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio. When she and a friend saw a TV ad for the online dating site Thanksgiving weekend, the friend dared her to sign up.

"They give you the first week free, so I said, 'whatever.' "

She filled out a "million questions," and prospects began appearing in her e-mail inbox. Cogdell found little to recommend the first candidates, even though eHarmony professed them to be perfect matches for her profile.

"I thought, 'This is stupid.' I tried to cancel it, but my dial-up connection kept timing out."

Then Jamar's profile showed up in the inbox about the end of December.

"The same day I got the match, I responded with "Hey, I'd like to know more about you," said Jamar, 27.

He lives in Marble Hills, Texas, about 80 miles from Cogdell's home in Pipe Creek.

His friends had urged him to sign up with eHarmony a couple months earlier, but he never progressed to meeting any of the candidates.

"I never was one to date a whole lot," he said in a Southern drawl. "I've had a couple previous relationships that lasted a couple months at a time. But I never knew that there was any future with them like I did with Tanis right off the bat."

eHarmony's guided matching service requires all initial contact to be online. Hopefuls first exchange a list of five questions, followed by lists of must-haves and can't-stands, Cogdell said. You can choose at what step in the communication process you want to show someone your picture. Subscribers decide if and when e-mail addresses and phone numbers are shared.

Jamar's and Cogdell's first e-mails tackled the topics of gender roles, politics and activities they hoped their partner would share.

"David's been with the volunteer fire department for five years, so he said he really hoped his partner would share a spirit of volunteering in the community," said Cogdell, who volunteered as a camp counselor and wrangler at Victory Bible Camp, at her church and with a pregnancy crisis center when she lived in Alaska.

Mostly Cogdell was impressed by his honesty.

"He was never afraid to say he believed in one thing or another before knowing that I was on the same page. He wasn't ashamed to tell me that he really wanted in the future when he got married, for his wife to stay at home with the kids. It's not a very mainstream idea. I've had people look at me like I've got a third eye when I tell them I want to marry and be a mother."

When e-mailing became cumbersome ("She writes novels," Jamar said), they moved to six hourlong phone calls.

Jan. 11, two weeks after their first e-mail, they agreed to meet at a diner near Cogdell's home.

"People I work with said, 'Do you have a bailout plan if it's really horrible?' " Cogdell said.

They talked for four hours, then moved to a coffee shop around the corner for three more hours.

"She was more what I was looking for than I realized," Jamar said. "The first time we met, I had a clue she was the one. She was a Christian woman who was really seeking God, and that was a big determining factor."

Their meeting was 21st-century techy, but their courtship was old-fashioned.

Jamar brought pink (her favorite color) daises to the diner. He held the door for her and paid for lunch. He asked her father's permission before he proposed.

It was Valentine's Day, and they were moving rocks in Cogdell's yard when Jamar made his move.

"He's got this big rock in his hand, making hand gestures, and I'm asking for her hand. He told me that he thought I was right for his daughter, and he'd definitely bless our marriage."

Feb. 17, Jamar told Cogdell he'd be late for the delayed Valentine's Day dinner she planned to prepare at his house that night. He said he'd be practicing storm maneuvers at Enchanted Rock State Park, but he and a friend were actually in Austin, picking out an engagement ring.

It wasn't the first time Cogdell had arrived earlier than expected to clean up the house where a lot of his firefighter friends hang out ("I always say, 'This is where the lost boys live,' " Cogdell said) before making dinner.

"I didn't plan to propose for another week," Jamar said. "But I saw she'd been there and slaved over all this just to make me happy."

Knowing he couldn't keep a secret, he told her after dinner that he wasn't at Enchanted Rock that day, he was out buying an enchanted rock.

"He was kind of shaking," Cogdell said, "and drinking Dr Pepper like it was his job." Her nursing experience caused her to wonder if he was ill.

"It was the most emotional thing I ever went through," Jamar said. "We spent the rest of the evening hugging each other and calling friends and family."

They canceled their subscriptions to eHarmony.

"I got lucky and found someone I'm crazy about, but I could have been on there two years," Cogdell said. "It's kind of a crapshoot."





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