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Social pressures are forcing Muslim wives in the US to fall into the same traps as their eastern counterparts by silently enduring abusive relationships because they are afraid of the consequences of leaving their husbands and in-laws, a Washington Post article reports.
Shamim, 21, was a shy young woman who spoke no English and was brought to the US from Pakistan to marry a stranger in Virginia while Shireen, 37, was a self-confident professional, raised in the US, who married an educated Muslim man in Maryland. Yet both women were unable to escape from abusive marriages or to fight the gossip and shame that come with defying their culture, the article reported.
Shamim said that her husband used to threaten her with a knife and forced her to cut off contact with her relatives in Pakistan by telling her that there was no money to make international calls, the article said. She said she did not know that a single number, 911, could help her. She was finally rescued by the police and is currently being tutored in English at a private home. Shireen however explains that social expectations kept her in a relationship that soon turned violent, according to the article.
“I was content being single but my family pressured me to get married. I wanted to show them I was a good Muslim girl,” said Shireen, now divorced. She said her relatives told her to be a better wife when her husband became abusive. She said “everyone abandoned me when I took my husband to court as if it was I who had done something wrong,” the Post article states.
According to the article, social workers say that women from Muslim cultures face extra pressure to submit to violent husbands and intense social ostracism if they file charges or flee. Islamic experts say a major obstacle to fighting abuse can be Islam itself. “The religion prizes female modesty and many Muslims believe that men have the right to beat their wives.”
Several Islamic societies in Washington now hold counselling sessions for troubled couples to teach them what is and isn’t their right according to the religion, the Post article states. The imams are trying to bring men into the debate by forming a group called Muslim Men Against Domestic Violence. They, however, have said that recruiting participants is not easy because many Muslim men will argue that they were within their rights or are being victimised by vindictive spouses.
“Another barrier to change can be the grip of Muslim culture with its gossip among extended families and its tradition of arranged marriages, in which brides often live with their in-laws. Immigrant brides are frequently cut off from their families and isolated in new households where they occupy the lowest social rung and might be forced to act as servants.”
Social workers have said that there are several help lines in various languages designed to help abused Muslim women, the article states, adding that a woman who comes to the US speaking no English and surrounded by in-laws may as well be living in a Pakistani or Moroccan village for all the help she can receive.
The Washington Post article states that there are many imported Muslim wives who are unaware that there are US laws allowing them to seek residency alone if they can prove they are victims of abuse. Several legal-aid organizations in the Washington region handle these petitions free and help women seek protective orders and child custody.
“Sometimes women do not want to go to shelters. Even if the man is beating her and the children, she may feel it is her Islamic duty to remain home and respect him,” said Ambreen Ahmad, director of FAITH. “We try to show them that their rights are protected by Islam and their duty is only to God.”
“In the case of Shamim, it took several contacts with sympathetic relatives and women’s rights activists for her to summon the nerve to call 911. When she finally did, the police came in a patrol car, helped her pack and escorted her to a friend’s home. Yet even US-educated women can be browbeaten into enduring abuse for fear of shaming their families or facing cruel gossip at the mosque. Some conservative Muslims view organisations that help them escape here as dangerous saboteurs of Muslim values.”
For Shireen, even a good education could not deter family demands bent on fitting her into a traditional Muslim mould. She said that she had become a pariah once she had freed herself from her marriage, according to the Washington Post article. “Even in America, you can’t always get away from home.” Daily times monitor
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