|
A SCRIBBLED message on a Post-it note has replaced intimate conversation in one in ten relationships, a survey has discovered.
The decision by increasing numbers of women to continue working, often after having children, is radically changing the way couples communicate and conduct their relationship.
And while the responsibility for bringing money into the home now appears to fall more equally on both sexes, the flip side of this has seen ever more couples complain that their relationship is under strain because they have no time to talk.
According to the results of a survey of 850 women conducted for the insurer Sheilas' Wheels and published yesterday, up to one in five women text their partners more than they talk to them and 11 per cent rely on Post-it notes to leave messages, such as asking their partner to pick up the children or empty the bin.
Surprisingly, e-mails are used by only 7 per cent of women to communicate with their partner - perhaps because e-mail is still used more for work purposes.
The authors of the report claimed last night that women were simply too busy juggling work, life and families to devote as much time as they would like to talking with their partners.
And as alternatives to conversation are also so easy to use, men and women both seem to find it hard to resist the temptation to scribble a Post-it note than try and relay vital information later in the evening when they get together.
Anna Pasternak, an author, describes the pattern of survival that many over-worked couples adopt as "competitive tiredness syndrome", where time becomes so precious that the few snatched conversations possible revolve around who has worked more and whose turn it is to carry out household chores.
She said: "We may think smugly we are holding it all together, but when you barely have time to make eye contact, that vital thread of intimacy frays."
Dr Robert Holden, the author of the best-selling self-help book Happiness Now, said many time-starved couples try to keep their relationships alive by going on romantic weekends as a short-term fix. However, he warned: "Beware of this, as often we don't so much fall into each others arms as point at each other and say, 'Who the hell are you?'"
Dr Holden said the key to nurturing modern relationships was adopting a more consistent approach. He added: "We are a busy generation who specialise in speed dating, notes on the fridge and texting. There are never any great heart-to-hearts. In this starved society, we need to nurture relationships daily."
Dr Cynthia McVey, a psychologist at Glasgow Caledonian University who monitored the relationships between the volunteers in the first series of the BBC programme Castaway, said: "If conversations are not face to face, then couples will not pick up the nuances of facial expression and body language that can give a whole different meaning to what people are saying.
"They may be saying in a scribbled message 'working really hard - everything's fine', but if you looked at their face you would know they needed strong support."
Dr McVey said she would have been interested to see analysis of the poll to reveal any differences between the style women and men use to write notes.
She said: "I suspect men would possibly be more likely to write notes that are matter of fact, where the best a woman could expect to get in terms of endearment is 'hope you're ok'. But I think a woman would be more inclined to be chattier and attempt more intimacy.
"But there are two people in a relationship and as the dynamic changes and women are no longer only housewives, both sexes have to work harder to make their partnership work."
ICON OF OUR TIMES
The Post-it note, scourge of office cleaners and darling of list makers and hurried lovers, was invented by scientist Art Fry in April 1980.
Fry, a 3M employee who sang in his local church choir, was looking for a bookmark that didn't fall out of his hymn book.
By experimenting with the adhesive formula that had been languishing in the company vaults since the 50s, he made a sticky marker that could be removed without damaging the pages of the hymn book.
The Post-it was born, 3M sold millions, and imitation notes are turned out by companies around the world.
A classic Post-it is three inches square and made from canary yellow paper, although the range has been expanded with a variety of colours, shapes and sizes.
The names "Post-it" and "Post-it note" are trademarks of 3M, and are not the generic term many believe them to be.
The most valuable Post-it sold for £640 after it was decorated by the artist RB Kitaj.
In the television series Sex and the City, Sarah Jessica Parker's character, Carrie, was once dumped by a boyfriend using a Post-It.
STICK-ON LANGUAGE OF LOVE
MARIAM Ghaemi, a graduate student in journalism at Cardiff University, is well trained in the emotional shorthand that characterises modern relationships.
With two newspapers to produce each week, she hardly sees her boyfriend, who works for a financial company in Cardiff.
E-mails, text messages, the occasional rushed note at the bedside - these are the vestiges of a relationship that blossomed at Edinburgh University four years ago, when she met her partner while studying English literature and living in Morningside.
And she knows that when she joins the workforce next year, the problem is only likely to get worse.
"My course is very time-consuming so I end up spending more time with my colleagues than with my boyfriend," Ms Ghaemi says.
"It puts a lot of strain on our relationship. We mostly communicate by text message.
"He seems to have a lot more time at work, so usually my replies to his texts are just telling him I'm too busy to talk. It's frustrating for both of us."
After frustration spilled over into a full-blown fight at a pub a few months ago, Ms Ghaemi and her partner decided on a compromise: the weekend would be dedicated to catching up.
"We basically cram a week into a weekend. We'll get together and catch up. There's really no substitute for time spent together."
| 
