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Is there a right way to date?
Our Single No More quartet -- four metro Detroiters the Free Press is helping to find dates -- have been working the singles scene for a few months now, hitting events, experimenting with online dating.But how are they really doing?
During their final session -- graduation? -- at the Relationship Institute in Royal Oak, dating coach Shirley Bavonese critiqued their progress.
Randall Walker, a 31-year-old 401(K) consultant from Royal Oak, has decided against pursuing a woman who works in his office building because he overheard her talking and she sounded really immature.
"I was getting discouraged about the whole process because I wasn't meeting anybody I was clicking with," Randall says.
And then, he met a minister on eharmony.com. Their phone conversations have been great. "It's always hard to pick up and talk with someone for the first time," Randall says. "You don't know what to talk about. ... That lasted for a couple minutes, but then we hit a stride and the conversation just began to flow. "She's cool and she's fun. She's wacky and she's goofy. I love it."
Plus, she likes Will Ferrell movies.
Randall's strengths: "You have a sense of adventure, you're out there with that energy," says Bavonese. "You're also what I call approachable."
Randall's weaknesses: "I would say you trip up by becoming discouraged too quickly," Bavonese says. It's fine to go out to bars or coffeehouses or bookstores, but going to a singles event is probably more effective. As is answering personals ads.
Randall's reactions: "I agree. I feel like I'm not in enough situations where there's a pool of single people."
Epilogue: Randall met the minister Friday. "When I look at her, I don't feel romantically charged. I will see her again. ... I'll go at it as a friendship thing and if something else comes about and we're both into that, we'll explore it. Right now, I'm coming from the angle of we're just going to be friends."
Loretta Green, a 32-year-old college librarian from Detroit, has been involved in an online dating service, blackplanet.net. She's received e-mail from several men, including one she discounted because he works in Indiana and another who isn't a match because he is approaching 40 and can't decide what he wants to do for a career.
She met a man at a bar who smelled so bad she simply can't see him again. "I was standing downwind from him. ... I wanted to put all his clothes in a big washer and burn his house down. He smelled that bad."
At the same time, Loretta has grown more fond of Dalano, a man she wouldn't have spent much time with before joining Single No More because he has a child and Loretta always said she didn't want to get involved with a man with a child.
While Loretta is happy she expanded her dating horizons, she's still concerned that Dalano -- whom she has been dating since March 2 -- likes her too much (he sat in the waiting room with her when she had to take her mother to emergency, he's given her roses). She worries the relationship is moving too fast. That he wants more of a commitment than she can give right now.
"I told him the reason why I need to slow down or whatever is because I'm not used to it. My guard is way up because I'm so sick of getting hurt by guys, losers."
They see each other once or twice a week -- initially he wanted to see her almost every day -- and they've talked on the phone a great deal and he's told her more about his life and times.
"I've learned more about him and it made me appreciate him," she says. "He may just be the one. I haven't been wowed by anyone else. And I feel we have a special connection. But we shall see."
Loretta's strengths: Loretta has a great personality and is an excellent flirt, says Bavonese. She's not afraid to talk to new people. She's fun. She's expanded her idea of what kind of man is a worthy date.
Loretta's weaknesses: Loretta has continued to date Dalano despite feeling somewhat uncomfortable with his lack of boundaries. (Loretta also spent 12 years in an on-again-off-again relationship with a man who didn't make spending time with her a priority.) Bavonese thinks Dalano seems to be putting commitment before compatibility, which isn't good.
Loretta's response: "He's not moving that fast. He's not moving as fast as I make him out to be. It's just a lot for me because I'm not used to it."
Epilogue: Loretta's father asked to meet Dalano but Loretta said no because she feels it's too soon.
Maureen Rose, a 43-year-old automotive company supervisor from Rochester Hills, has tried to sign up for speed dating events, only to be put on the waiting list.
("It tells me there's a bunch of women out there and no men!")
She's also joined an online dating service and has gone to a singles mixer, which she found too much like a high school social to enjoy.
Mostly, Maureen is conflicted about actively pursuing a date; she's afraid other people will judge her as a loser. And she says working at finding a date seems unnatural.
"When the fun starts to become work, it isn't fun anymore," Maureen says. "I think about all of my friends and family who are married, have been previously married, remarried or otherwise attached, and I don't think most of them had to work this hard at meeting their significant other. It happened naturally."
Maureen's strengths: "I like your presentation, your energy, the way you carry yourself, your smile, your voice, all of that," says Bavonese. "You're inching out there."
Maureen's weaknesses: She keeps a wall around herself and doesn't let many people past it. Bavonese wonders if Maureen is uncomfortable being single. "You've talked (about), 'I can't do ads, those are for desperate people.' " She defends her single lifestyle so strongly, assuring people there's nothing wrong with her, that Bavonese says "it makes others suspicious." Maureen needs to realize that most people don't judge people who use personals ads or actively pursue a partner.
Maureen's reaction: "I've heard many, many, many times, 'How come somebody who's pretty and smart like you is still single?' Like you haven't been picked, you're the person on the shelf. There's nothing wrong with me."
Epilogue: Maureen has ping-ponged on her commitment to Single No More. She feels like looking for a date has turned into a second job. After much thought, however, she decided to continue and is planning to e-mail more men on yahoopersonals.com.
Pat Moylan, a 54-year-old neuropsychologist from Northville, and the self-described cynic of the group, did not attend the final session with the relationship coach, so she didn't receive any feedback.
A short time later, to her surprise, the Free Press asked her to leave the group because her busy schedule hasn't allowed her to fully participate.
"As I am very busy, time is very precious to me. I must share it with so may people and so many things," she writes in her journal. "So really, any time from me at all should be enough."
Epilogue: Pat says she's pursuing dates on match.com, an online dating service.
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