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Online dating odyssey

Date: 2007-04-17

Have things really gotten that bad? That's what my friends asked after I announced I had registered on the online dating site Jdate.

It was a fair question and one I'd expected to field. After all, despite the myriad ways we've come to accept the Internet's involvement in our lives - would you look for a job without a web search? - dating is one realm in which many people remain staunchly traditional. Systematically scoping out prospects online is still frowned upon. As Diana Ross sang back in 1966, "You can't hurry love."

I chose to turn to the online Jewish singles world of Jdate to escape what I perceived as the trap of modern college relationships. All the relationships I'd observed here seem to take one of two forms. Either the happy couple lived in a state of college matrimony, spending every sleeping and most waking moments together, or the two parties agreed to a sort of utilitarian tête-à-tête, limited in scope and duration.

Neither one's really my style. On Jdate, I hoped to rediscover the middle ground that is the simple, isolated date. And the "J" part? Well, I figured it would make my mother happy.

And thus I paid $34 and launched my own odyssey, during which I would face many-headed monsters and dangerous whirlpools, cleverly disguised in the forms of a 36-year-old pot smoker, a shy student, and a disgruntled reporter.

I'm not alone in braving the seas of the online dating world. According to the Pew Internet and American Life Project, Americans aged 18-29 years old are the most likely to have used an online dating service. Roughly 18 percent of individuals in that age group have reported using an online dating service to find a potential companion.

Not like online dating doesn't present its own unique challenges, though. Crafting the profile proved an interesting exercise in self-reflection. It asked for the basics: favorite music, activities, food, the works.

But it also prompted me to describe my ideal relationship and to detail lessons learned from past relationships. I was skeptical at first - how could my responses to a simple questionnaire encapsulate my personality?

It couldn't, of course, but I think my completed profile did offer a true sense of how I try to present myself when I first meet people: friendly, intelligent and a little quirky.

Jdate asks you to enter some search parameters (desired sex, age range, geographic location, etc.) and then identifies potential matches.

Initially, this is quite unsettling. The online dating concept strips away the subterfuge often involved in finding a potential companion and reduces the process to its absolute essentials. You read a profile. Interested? Click "yes." It initially felt callous and superficial, but then I realized the site was really just setting an HTML system to what we do on a subconscious level anyway.

I scanned through some profiles, clicking "yes" and clicking "no." A pang of guilt struck with every "no" click, as I feared I was judging people with little basis for my decisions. But the sheer efficiency of the system triggered a realization. Saying no didn't mean I thought the individual was boring, ugly or morally deficient in any way. It just meant I couldn't see myself with that person. Similarly, I couldn't view getting rejected as proof of my own inadequacies. None of this was personal - just pragmatic.

I sent out a few cursory e-mails and sat back to see what would happen. I expected a few of the stereotypical online dating disasters, and Jdate did not disappoint. There was the 36-year-old motorcycle rider who invited me to "420" with him and then accused me of being "age-ist" when I politely declined. (I thought to myself, "Michael610, you were 15 when I was born. I'm not age-ist, just astute.")

Then there was the mute 19-year-old Georgia Tech boy. He uttered maybe five words during our hour-long coffee date and stared at me awkwardly for the rest of the time. (He might have been overwhelmed by my wit and charm, but somehow, I doubt it.) And who could forget the 27-year-old reporter who cursed constantly and complained about how sandy Israel is? (I declined to point out the obvious - that Israel is primarily desert, and deserts are primarily sandy.)

I wrote those prospects off and didn't think much of it. But I wondered if I was being too judgmental when I ruled out guys who simply triggered neutral feelings on the first date. Would I have been so cavalier had I met them in a class, where I would likely see them again, rather than through the semi-anonymous Jdate? Almost unconsciously, I found myself adopting a sort of capitalistic attitude to the online dating scene. You have a virtually unlimited supply of options, and so you, the proverbial consumer, have a heightened sense of your own agency.

Don't feel sparks with this one? All right, just check back on Jdate the next day - surely another prospect will turn up. The inherent danger in this, though, is that it can foster unrealistic romanticism. If there's an unlimited supply, why not hold out for perfection?

I decided to hold out, and my patience seemed to pay off. One day, I logged on to my profile and found a message from an ideal match. He was adorable - an Emory grad who liked to dance and cared deeply about helping other people.

We went out to lunch and wound up talking for three hours. The next week, we went for a picnic in Lullwater and took a salsa dancing class together. He was courteous, considerate, funny - a perfect match by every Jdate meter.

But ultimately, I couldn't see it working out. There was no way Jdate could have predicted a problem. Even now, I can't say exactly what the issue was. It wasn't him and it wasn't me - it was just the two of us together that didn't seem right.

We went out one final time and then agreed to continue as platonic friends.

And so my Jdate experience came to a bittersweet close. I wanted the online dating scene to be a silver bullet in my quest for companionship. While it didn't exactly misfire, it certainly didn't hit the target either.

In the end I realized, Internet dating sites are just like all our other high tech tools - we can use them to enhance our lives, but never to fulfill our fundamental needs.

Ultimately, matters of the human heart will resist the most advanced computer matrix.





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