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Relationship violence can occur among married couples, friends or couples who are dating. However, this is often ignored in relationships if the victims cannot recognize the warning signs of being abused physically, verbally or sexually.
Yadira Ruiz, director of Stepping Stones sexual assault program, said that there are ways to tell early on if a relationship may be shifting in an unhealthy direction.
"There's a lot of information out there about how power and control issues are great red flag indicators of potential abusive relationships," she said.
Student Counseling Services defines these red flags as warning signs that can help people avoid becoming involved in abusive relationships. The red flags consist of behaviors, attitudes and personality characteristics. People who abuse others in romantic relationships are often times quick to proclaim their love for their significant other. They may try to force their significant other into a serious commitment earlier than would be expected.
An abusive person may also try to stop his or her significant other from talking to friends and family. Abusers also want to know exactly where their significant other is and who they are with at all times.
Another red flag for abusive relationships occurs when one of the people in the relationship accuses the other person of being attracted to people with whom they spend time. Mary Hasse, a junior business management major, said that she experienced these red flags in one of her past relationships.
"He was very controlling. I was never allowed to hang out with my guy friends," she said. She also experienced some other common violent behaviors and attitudes that come from abusive relationships. The abuser may ridicule the person by putting them down or calling them names. Sometimes it may turn more physical and result in pushing or shoving the victim or throwing things out of anger. "He always started fights for no reason and I was always the one who was wrong," she said. "He'd scream obscenities to me to make me go home with him or to do something he wanted." ed flags of abusive relationships
Sometimes her boyfriend expressed his anger in a physical way as well. Hasse said that he would grab her arm or wrist forcefully to assert power over her.
"One time I made a comment about my weight that he didn't like. Instead of comforting me, he threw me to the ground," she said.
Every morning before work, Hasse's boyfriend would call her about 30 times, non-stop, until she answered his phone calls. Whenever she was not with him, he accused her of being unfaithful to him.
"He accused me weekly of cheating on him, when later I found out that he was actually the one doing the deed," she said.
"We broke up one day over the phone because I was too afraid to do it in person. Then I stayed at a friend's house for a couple of days to be safe," she said.
When Hasse was in the abusive relationship, she did not know why she was treated like that. Ruiz explained that the person doing the abusing is most likely going through some kind of problem that he or she has trouble dealing with or expressing. The abuser ends up taking the aggression out in the wrong places.
"Sometimes it's easier to take out your problems on people that you know and trust because they have no reason to believe that you're going to hurt them," Ruiz said.
She also said that it is important for people to communicate openly with others, especially in romantic relationships. If victims feel uncomfortable or feel that behaviors and attitudes have become violent or abusive in any way, it is necessary to tell that to the abuser.
"It's also important to know that you may be conveying these messages to your partner, but if your partner is abusive, they may make you feel like it's your fault," she said. "An abusive person who has control issues isn't going to own up to what they're doing. That's very rare."
Ruiz said a peaceful way to stop an unhealthy relationship would be to find out what resources are available. There are a variety of help groups and crisis hotlines in Bloomington-Normal that can assist in these problems.
She recommends victims seek help with a friend so they do not feel alone in the effort. Most importantly, the victim needs to find someone to listen to his or her feelings.
"A person in an abusive relationship does not need another person telling them what to do. They need someone to be supportive and make them feel like they're important."
Amy McKewen
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