|
Homer Simpson once said "Here's to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
Now, as regular followers of "The Simpsons" know all too well, Homer is not particularly known for his brain power. But when it comes to dating and relationships, that quote is often right on the money.
The role that alcohol plays in one's relationships throughout the life cycle is something that just cannot be ignored.
Unfortunately, even though the legal drinking age in the United States is 21, it is a rare young person who reaches that age without having at least tested the alcohol waters. All too often, experimenting with booze usually starts with nervous teenagers trying to "loosen up" at a party "¦ usually held at the house of someone whose parents have an unlocked liquor cabinet and who just happen to be out of town.
C'mon, we all did it. And that pattern often continues throughout one's college years. Binge drinking on campuses has become an epidemic in this country, and it is a rare party on or near a college that does not include a keg of beer or three.
Of course once we hit 21 and can drink legally, some of the mystique surrounding "partying hearty" disappears. But for people in their 20s, the association of having a drink to loosen up one's nerves in order to enter the dating fray is a pattern that is difficult to break.
And, for many of us, that pattern extends well into middle age and beyond. Go to any gathering where single adults are trying to meet one another and the mixing and mingling usually doesn't begin until most people have imbibed a cocktail or two. Hence the popular term "liquid courage."
In writing this, I certainly am not campaigning for the return of Pprohibition or saying that adults should not drink. One of life's pleasures is a cold beer after a round of golf, sipping on a piña colada while relaxing at poolside, or breaking open a fine merlot to accompany your prime rib.
But, here's my point. When I would interview a divorced man or woman who was joining my dating service, I would always conclude the interview by saying,
"You don't have to answer this question, but would you like to discuss the reasons for your divorce?"
Some people, especially the younger ones, declined. BUT among divorcees over 50 or so, the overwhelming explanation that women gave centered on their ex-husbands' drinking habits. Many quickly stated their former spouses were alcoholics and either could not or would not stop drinking. They talked about their husbands being orally or physically abusive, almost always after drinking too much.
Obviously, there were other reasons given, such as lack of communication, financial issues, infidelity, etc. But far and away alcohol was the overwhelming reason that women in their late 40s and above would cite as the cause of their marriage falling apart.
And what did the men over 50 claim was the primary reason for their divorce? Of course many men talked about their wives' constant nagging, weight gain, or excessive shopping sprees. But I also noted that many men admitted that their own drinking problem was the primary cause of their divorce. Some of these men also admitted they were now "recovering alcoholics." Others just said they knew they had a problem, but they were "hopeful" they could control their drinking.
At times these interviews became quite intense, with the interviewee relating the story of his or her marriage's demise, with tears streaming down. Often after the man or woman would leave, I would sit back and imagine what each of their "deceased" marriages might have been like a few decades ago. I pictured a young couple sharing a couple of brews at college, a pitcher of martinis over a romantic dinner, or a nice bottle of wine in front of a roaring fireplace.
I thought about them popping open champagne to toast and celebrate their engagement, wedding, anniversary, or birth of their child, or their child's college graduation and wedding, or even the birth of their grandchildren.
But here they were years later, sadly citing alcohol abuse as the primary cause of their failed marriage, and joining a dating service in hopes of kindling a new relationship.
The question that almost everyone in the dating world should examine is the role that alcohol plays in their attempts to find and cultivate a long-term, serious relationship.
Ask yourself these questions. Can you imagine going on a date without having a drink first to loosen you up? Can you carry on a conversation with your date without a second, third, or fourth drink to help you break the ice? Can you find enjoyment and excitement with someone without having to get a little "tipsy" first?
It's just something to think about.
And by the way, to show how far the "woman's movement" has come in the past two decades, only in recent years did I start to hear another reason for a couple's divorce "¦ a reason I rarely heard in the 1980s.
And that reason was not the husband's drinking, but the wife's.
| 
