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One night, as you're browsing through online personal ads, you find him: the perfect guy.
He's funny, romantic, good-looking -- and his collection of Motley Crue bootleg CDs is breathtaking.
Problem is, you pass his ad right by. And who could blame you?
All you see is a fuzzy photo of what looks to be a serial killer wearing a muscle T-shirt and holding a bottle of Blatz. His screen name is "HelloHoneys." And instead of highlighting his charm and wit, his profile shows off an amazing ability to misspell at least one word in each cliche.
Online dating has exploded, shedding its stigmas and joining bars, the office and the Mega Millions line at 7-Eleven as surefire places to meet people. (About 33 million people visited dating sites in 2006, according to JupiterResearch.) And when that many folks are doing something, you can bet a lot of them are doing it wrong.
Just spend five minutes trolling online ads, and you'll find yourself in need of a stiff drink to loosen the cringe and another to halt the eye rolling. Who knew the world was filled with so many "hopeless romantics" longing for "hand-in-hand walks on the beach"?
"I would say that half of online personal ads are bad, and 90 percent of them are mediocre," said Evan Marc Katz, author of "I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating."
Katz is also CEO of E-Cyrano.com, which provides personal-ad makeovers (starting at $49). He sees so many sorry online ads, he can recite a typical one in a single breath:
" I'm nice, smart, kind, warm, funny, honest, successful, ambitious and family-oriented. I like hiking, biking, movies, music, travel. I'm looking for my best friend and lover and partner in crime for a lifetime of love and laughter,' " Katz said as if he were reading a radio-ad car-lease disclaimer. "There. It's an online dating profile that anybody could use. And it's worthless."
Because online dating is all about differentiating yourself from all the other "nice, smart, kind, warm and funny" folks, singles need to show their positive qualities rather than tell about them, Katz said.
"You don't say I'm friendly.' You say, I'd make friends with a bartender at a layover in Dallas.' "
Be unusual, said local image consultant Kristen Kaleal, who helps make over local singles and their personal ads.
"Let a little quirkiness come out, so that you're not the same person they see 10 times," she said.
But truth is, no matter how wonderfully enticing your description, most people won't even get that far if your picture looks like it belongs on the post office wall.
"If you have either no photo or a crappy photo, your chances of landing a date online are pretty slim," said Dave Coy, co-founder of LookBetterOnline.com, a site that connects online daters with a network of about 500 photographers (including three in the Cleveland area) who are experts at taking great personal-ad photos. "If you have a good recent photo of yourself, your odds go up enormously, regardless of how attractive you are."
Your photo should not show you with sunglasses, props, bottles, glasses, kids, animals, friends or an ex. Don't try to shoot the picture yourself using the bathroom mirror. Make sure you're sober, and look into the camera. Keep your shirt on if you're a guy, and keep it buttoned if you're a woman. Wear smart, casual clothing and avoid Hawaiian shirts, busy backgrounds and the temptation to use a shot from the Reagan administration. Make sure to smile.
And remember that just by trying to jazz up your ad, you're way ahead of the pack.
"Since most people don't take this that seriously, those who do, shine," Katz said.
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