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It's a scenario almost as old as the institution of marriage itself.
A wife, sensing trouble in her relationship with her husband, approaches him, wanting to talk. At the merest suggestion of a relationship discussion, hubby shuts down and becomes distant. The more she insists on talking, the more he pulls back.
It may sound like a tired clich, but a number of couples find themselves falling into the all too familiar roles of nagging wife and resistant husband.
Relationship therapists Patricia Love and Steven Stosny have a theory as to why this happens, and it may surprise you. Love, 63, of Austin, Texas, and Stosny, 59, of Germantown, Md. have written a book with the provocative title "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" (Broadway Books, $23.95).
In the book, the two theorize that talking about your relationship can actually do more harm than good. "There's several pieces of new research that indicate talking can make a marriage worse," Love said.
Both she and Stosny have a long history of helping couples work on their relationships. Love is an acclaimed therapist, speaker and author of several other books. Stosny is a therapist specializing in men's issues, and the author of a previous book, "You Don't Have to Take it Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One."
Stosny said the "relationship talk" has long been a point of contention in marriage. That's because discussing a relationship makes women feel more connected, but makes men defensive and ashamed.
"The five most dreaded words in the English language, for men, are 'Honey, we have to talk,' " Stosny said.
The reason for this goes to the heart of the biological differences between men and women, Stosny and Love said.
Women, by their nature, crave inclusion and connection. This dates back to the early days of the species when women counted on the support of the pack for their security and survival.
When women feel fear or anxiety, they want to talk to their mate and share their feelings. This is how women connect with one another, she said, by sharing and discussing their grievances. "A complaint to a girlfriend is an invitation to move closer," Love said.
But airing the same complaint to the man in your life will provoke a different response.
Men, charged for centuries with protecting the pack, view any dissatisfaction from their mate as a sign that they've failed. This makes them feel ashamed, which is why the slightest suggestion of a "talk" makes them bristle.
"We've relied on men for eons to provide for us and protect us," Love said. "And because we've relied on them, they've relied on us to rely on them."
Suggesting there's a problem with the relationship, or with another area of your life, challenges the man's ability to provide, and he may respond by acting angry or defensive.
For example, Stosny said, if a man is driving in a car with his significant other, and she indicates that he is going too fast, or driving recklessly, the man might respond by driving even more recklessly, to prove he's in charge.
Stosny said he saw this dynamic a lot when working with violent men. Often, he said, a violent episode followed an incident in which the man felt his prowess as a protector-provider was threatened.
"Most of their aggression was shame-based," he said.
Though most relationship talks don't result in violence, they can result in tension. The man's shame can cause him to withdraw, making the woman feel emotionally abandoned.
This causes her to feel even more fearful and anxious than when she initiated the talk, Love said. "What men don't understand about women is how much pain they feel when they're isolated," she said.
And, what women don't understand about men is that they withdraw because their mate is so valuable to them that the slightest indication that she's unhappy can be humiliating. "Women have to understand how important it is to their man that they're happy," Stosny said.
The key, Stosny and Love said, is to find ways to connect without talking. It's easier than it sounds, Love said. "The deepest moments of connection are really when we're not talking," she said.
In the book, the authors outline a "Power Love Formula" that can increase their emotional connection without words. The first part of the formula is fixing your partner in your heart at four crucial periods during the day: when you wake up; before you leave home for the day; when you come back, and before you go to sleep.
Stosny said fixing your partner in your heart basically means giving some acknowledgement of how important he or she is to you. It can be a statement, such as "You give value to my life," or a gesture, such as reaching out your hand to briefly touch your partner.
Hug your partner six times a day for at least six seconds. In the book, they estimate that most couples hug once or twice a day. Making the hugs more frequent encourages emotional closeness, they said.
They also recommend thinking good thoughts about your partner multiple times a day, particularly while you're apart.
The last step is making a contract to hand out love with compassion and generosity. These "handouts" can be small, Stosny said, like lighting a candle every day for your wife, or bringing your husband coffee in bed.
All of these activities can be done in a total of less than five minutes, Stosny said.
While not necessarily a substitute for talking, Stosny said, these steps will make you feel more connected. And, when the time comes for a talk, feeling connected will make the experience easier for both of you, particularly the man.
"If a man feels connected to you, he'll talk more," Stosny said.
At least one local expert said that, although Stosny and Love's theories sound unconventional, they make sense.
J. Edward Lynch, chairman of the marriage and family therapy department at Southern Connecticut State University in New Haven, said he wasn't familiar with Stosny and Love's book, but he has seen relationship dynamics similar to the ones they describe.
Men can get withdrawn if they feel challenged, thus talking about a relationship might not always work, Lynch said. "Sometimes, silence is the better communication for some people," he said.
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