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Girls, if want your man to stay interested, stop sending text messages. SMS could be sabotaging your chance of finding love.

Date: 2007-03-08

While world leaders talk about the perils of global warming, single women are bemoaning a drought of a different kind.

And it seems that the era of instant communication isn't doing us any favours.

That's the message to come out of a recent dating workshop held in Sydney to coincide with the publication of the latest book on finding and keeping a man.Relationships advice columnist Dr Cindy Pan and radio personality Bianca Dye drew on their own experiences to write their guide to love and the modern girl in How to Play Hard to Get: How to Catch and Keep Mr Right, Not Mr Right Now.

Dye says the nature of instant communication has created a whole host of problems, one of them being chronic insecurity.

"I knew I didn't have to text him straight away after a date, but what did I do? Text him," says Dye.

"Then I would stress. Does he like me or not?

"He'd send me a text message and I wouldn't hear from him in three days - he must be seeing someone else!"

As it turned out, he'd be busy at work, buying his groceries or innocently working out at the gym.

The immediacy of SMS and email can also make us look overly keen - a guaranteed turn-off for blokes.

For example, a guy sends you a text message suggesting a movie.

Within four seconds, you've replied "Yes, when?, where? what time?" and "when can I c u again?"

Worst of all, it can turn us into desperados.

Dye cites the case of a woman who texted her boyfriend, and didn't receive a reply for a day.

"By the evening she had convinced herself he was having an affair, the relationship was over, and she was a single girl again," she says.

When he called the next day he couldn't understand the drama. His only problem was a flat battery.

Another woman checked her phone 300 times after messaging a love interest to see if he was free for a drink.

Four hours later, she receives a reply, but in the 240 minutes that have passed, she turned herself into a nervous wreck checking her phone, just in case she missed the call.

We also risk reading all sorts of things into a simple SMS or email, Dye says.

"I would ring my friends, asking for their help in 'reading between the line' of a text message or email that I'd received from a potential date," says Dye.

So what's the advice from the professionals?

Go back to the basics, rely on your natural instinct and charm, don't give too much of yourself away, and in extreme cases, throw your mobile phone in the bin.

The old adage of "Keep 'em keen, treat 'em mean" has changed with the times, Pan says, but the principle remains.

"It's not that old-fashioned idea ... acting aloof, being an ice-princess or a diva, because that's actually hard work," says Dr Pan.

"It's about being hard to get, having some self-respect, and not giving everything away at once.

"Women need to value themselves and command respect from others.

"Women need to back away. They need to trust themselves, trust their attractiveness, and maintain a certain amount of reserve. Don't chase."

Dye says her worst mistake was saying those three words, "I" "love" "You" - via a text message.

"I waited, and waited, and put myself under so much stress, it was ridiculous.

"I expected a response immediately. When he didn't respond in the instant, I was sure that he didn't care about me."

Dr Pan says Dye would have been better saying it in person and saying it genuinely, and not expecting an answer.

In this hi-tech, gadget-obsessed world, where we have information at our fingertips, dating is one more area where we need to step back.

So turn off your mobile phone. Stop logging on to your computer at midnight and checking emails.

Go for a walk, write a love letter, and keep smiling.

It may pay to take a lesson from Jane Austen's era, when sweet love letters were the way of communication and relationships took time to develop - while waiting for the postman to arrive.





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