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It all depends on whether you're looking for Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now.
To find Mr. Right Now, head down to the local dance club, where there's plenty of loud music and bumping and grinding on the dance floor. Or go out on Ladies Night: the women come in droves, so the men are out trolling.
But if you're ready for a lasting relationship, you have to change your tactics, says J.M. Kearns, former Guelphite and author of "Why Mr. Right Can't Find You."
In an interview from his home in Nashville, where the author and musician has lived for 10 years, Kearns put forth dating advice that runs counter to that other popular dating advice book, "He's Just Not That Into You," by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
"In most of those books, men are looked at as the enemy, like aliens from Mars, and dating is full of games, manipulation and rules," Kearns said. "Very little has been written about compatibility.
"A lot of relationships fail because people are with the wrong people. I think if we pay more attention to compatibility, we'll be able to find that person who becomes a close friend and someone we have the hots for. And that is key to a lasting relationship."
The book actually began as an essay, one of 28 chosen for an anthology put together by Ian Brown called "What I Meant to Say," essays by men baring their souls to women.
The anthology did well and Kearns's essay was often highlighted in interviews and news stories.
His essay "How Men Choose Women" is tongue-in-cheek, "really more about the vulnerability of men," he said last week.
"Women complain that it's hard to find a good mate, but men are looking for love, too. We don't all see things the same way. I'm trying to explode those stereotypes."
The essay is Chapter 3 in the book that was launched just before Valentine's Day.
"The brain coding between men and women is quite different," Brown said. "Women will talk about why they are not talking about talking. It's just not natural for men to do that.
"Mike's book is somewhere in between. It's a thoughtful how to book that informs men and women. But it's probably women who will buy it."
The first chunk of the book is all about making women realize they are good enough, just the way they are.
"There will be men who like you as you are," Kearns said. "We're not all looking for the same thing. But women get discouraged and then they turn the antennae off. I'd give the same message to men.
"When you make opportunities to meet people, you increase the odds of meeting Mr. Right."
The second section examines the concept of compatibility, and especially those things that can be mistaken for it -- sexual attraction, falling in love (the ultimate drug trip), and relationship wishes.
"You really need to find someone who is suited to you though. You have a lot to say to each other. You believe the same things.
"Physical attraction is a relative thing though. Chemistry is nothing if you're not compatible."
The third chunk of the book examines Internet dating, a phenomenon that has "changed the landscape of romance," Kearns said.
Online dating opens a vast pool of potential daters that can be whittled down based on your own criteria. If you navigate carefully, you can narrow the field before ever making contact.
And writing your own profile "forces you to be rational about love and really look at yourself," Kearns said. "I makes you think about what really matters."
Kearns said meeting your soulmate is like looking for a job.
"Think about it -- we're talking about the most important relationship in your life," he said. "It doesn't have to be left up to chance.
"It's worth being brave. It's worth being proactive.
"It's worth the effort."
"Women complain that it's hard to find a good mate, but men are looking for love, too. We don't all see things the same way. I'm trying to explode those stereotypes."
FINDING MR. RIGHT
Mr. Right is out there and he's looking for you. He just hasn't found you yet. Here are some ways you can help him, says J.M. Kearns, author of 'Why Mr. Right Can't Find You.'
Go where he might be, like a party, a store, art gallery, local pub, gym, festival or fair, bookstore or library.
Be approachable. Smile.
Believe that someone wants you, just the way you are.
Don't look for a good man. Look for a man who's good for you.
Search for compatibility, not just sexual attraction.
Use the Internet to help you find suitable suitors.
Move your Internet relationship into the real world as soon as possible. Don't fall in love until you meet in person.
Everyone has baggage, Kearns said. Baggage is the story of your life. What matters is how you deal with it
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