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Justin Fogel usually can spot them. One comes in first, sits near the door. "Can I get you something?" Fogel asks, even though he knows the answer.
No, thanks. Just waiting for someone.
Someone arrives. They shake hands, order coffee, try not to look shell-shocked if the online photo that screamed "dreamy!" has turned into a caramel-Frappuccino-no-whip drinker whose reality screams "dreaming!" They find a seat and, they hope, common ground. Fogel said it's sometimes hard not to assess from afar. "I see if they're laughing or having a good time," said Fogel, 25, a graduate student at Bethel University who has worked on and off at the Dunn Bros. in Minneapolis for two years. "Sometimes they walk out after 10 minutes. Maybe they're going somewhere."
Uh-huh.
Coffee dates aren't new. But the proliferation of dating dot-coms such as match, perfectmatch, yahoo and eHarmony, coupled with coffeehouses on practically every corner, have taken the quaint concept to new heights. Wired to the Internet, why not do the first face-to-face while wired on caffeine, too?
"Coffee shops are the new neutral zone," said D.J. Gramann, 39, a Minneapolis clothing designer who met his partner at Wilde Roast in Minneapolis. "It allowed me to get to know him in a casual way that didn't have the pressure of a first date."
Cynthia Parker, 58, chose a Starbucks for her first date with her now live-in boyfriend, Gordon Taylor. That was after another blind date she met on the Internet not so blindly reached across the table at a restaurant and adjusted her blouse "to see if I had cleavage." Coffee shops, said Parker, a real estate agent and makeup artist in Bloomington, offer a hubbub of people and activity. "You find a chair and have a not-so-intimate conversation."
Many people still meet in bars, of course, where noise and dim lighting can be very precious things. Some optimistic souls even insist on first-date dinners.
But, as Jason Koltes, a 31-year-old physical therapist, said, the coffee shop "takes the pressure off. If the date goes poorly, there's a little less commitment than if you had to try to fill a whole evening."
Well, not all the pressure's off. Like everything else, there are rules of engagement. Internet sites for singles are full of advice on how to make the most of a coffee date.
One lively thread on coffee dates offered the pros ("Let me get to know them first before I find out if they can keep their mouth closed while eating"), the cons ("I always feel as if I am at a job interview") and the amusing ("Never dated coffee. I did have a brief and intensive affair with a half-pound of Darjeeling tea. Dark. Brooding. Mysterious.").
Gregg Millett, founder of Singles Outreach in Albany, N.Y., asked members what they can learn on a coffee date. Did they lie about their age? Do they make eye contact? How do they treat the server? Do they tip? Do they only talk about themselves?
One single woman cut to the chase by saying she wants to see what kind of car he drives, something that's easy to assess from the coffee shop window: "I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be happy with a person who drives a gas-guzzling supersized SUV or, heaven forbid, a Hummer!"
Another writer was more practical. Forget the coffee date. Want to really learn about someone? Take "a three-day camping trip, preferably on a rainy weekend."
Ultimately, though, the coffee date, the dinner date, the bar date or even being fixed up by well-intentioned friends can't guarantee success. The best recipe is probably trying a little bit of everything, and making only one commitment, which is to be open to possibilities wherever you are.
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