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Carla has pretty much seen it all in her 55 years. She said, "I was married for 25 years to a man who cheated many times. I was divorced for three years and met a wonderful man. We were married for 31/2 years when he died." That was four years ago. Now, she's happy with her life, her family and volunteering.
And what has happened to Carla, often happens to older singles when they aren't looking for a mate, someone new comes along.
Carla said, "I didn't go looking for this gentleman, I was introduced to him by a friend I met while volunteering. I have remained cautious, but he was smitten almost immediately."
Carla says her new gentleman friend has been divorced for 20 years. He told her in the early stages of their relationship that he'd like to find someone, but she feels he isn't desperate.
"We've been dating about three months now," Carla said. "I enjoy the company of an attractive, intelligent man and it's nice to have dinner in nice restaurants and to go places I might not go to alone."
Many women Carla's age would be thrilled with a situation similar to hers. After all, good men are hard to meet. On the other hand, as Jane Glenn Haas pointed out in her Register "Our Time" column last Monday, more women over 50 are choosing to remain single.
Carla falls within that group, at least for now. "I have this feeling that I may never find the right one or marry again," she said.
She added, "He is crazy about me. Very kind and patient, and makes comments that lead me to believe he would hope for marriage someday. I don't see it going that far. HELP! Can we just stay friends? Do I date him with the hopes that he can change my mind?"
I replied, "You have a small dilemma (at least you have one, many women don't). A man cares a great deal for you, but you don't see it becoming an exclusive or marriage relationship.
"He can't change your mind. Only you can do that and you must be true to yourself. Enjoy him and see what happens."
I asked if the "Where do we go from here?" topic had come up in conversation during the three months they'd been dating.
"No it hasn't, Carla said. "We've both been happy with the slow process of getting to know each other."
I told her if the marriage issue surfaces, she should be honest and tell him she doesn't want to marry him but wants to remain friends.
She then asked, "Should I feel guilty for letting him pay? I am never sure when it's OK and when it's not."
I suggested she offer to pay from time to time, that men and women should share the cost of dating. And I thought it would ease her feelings of guilt if she were contributing; it might make her feel less obligated to him.
In fact, her paying might trigger a discussion about the future of their relationship. He might ask, "Why are you now offering to pay?"
I told Carla to be prepared for that question, it might be the ideal opportunity to explain her lack of intention to settle down. If he insists that marriage is what he wants, they might end up going separate ways.
For women 50, 60, and 70, marriage is no longer the ultimate goal. Message for men who want to settle down: You'd better sharpen your relationship skills for the modern-day woman gets along fine on her own.
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