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3,493 marriages in Scotland in the first quarter of 2006, a nine per cent fall on the first quarter of 2005

Date: 2007-02-12

LOVE AND MARRIAGE GO TOGETHER like a horse and carriage ... or do they? With one in three marriages in Scotland ending in divorce and an increasing number of couples eschewing a wedding to show their commitment by co-habiting, one could be forgiven for doubting the old tune.

In Scotland this seems to be having an effect on the number of couples prepared to meet at the altar: according to the General Register Office for Scotland there were 3,493 marriages in Scotland in the first quarter of 2006, a nine per cent fall on the first quarter of 2005.

However, the Futureway Trust, the charity behind this week's National Marriage Week, which leads up to Valentine's Day on Wednesday, hopes to convince us that it just ain't so. Marriage, they say, is an important institution and should be celebrated as such.

With this in mind, we went in search of three happily married couples to ask them what being wed means to them, and what it's like to be part of a husband-and-wife team.

THE NEWLYWEDS

Kate and Daniel Bridges got married on 11 June last year at Glasgow University Chapel and live on the south side of the city. Kate, 23, studies English and politics at Glasgow University and Daniel, 28, has just finished a PhD in parasitology there.

"The reaction of some people to the news of our engagement was very negative, because I was so young, but I thought, what's the point of waiting for a couple of years?" says Kate of her decision to get married at 22. Some friends and colleagues may have questioned their decision but, as committed Christians, both Kate and Daniel saw marriage as the ideal outcome of any relationship - they knew the direction they were headed in as soon as they became a couple. "Everyone thinks that just because you're married you settle down and stop doing cool stuff but it's not like that - now I just always have someone to do stuff with," she says.

The pair are still in the honeymoon period of their relationship and confess that the physical aspect is helping to prolong the stage. "I am well aware that the chemistry doesn't last forever but as far as we're concerned, love is a decision - we have made a decision to be with each other and, as unromantic as it may sound, I now have a responsibility to honour that," says Kate.

Save a few minor domestic squabbles, it hasn't been too arduous for them so far. "On my wedding day I didn't think it was possible to love Dan any more, but having got married I am surprised by how much deeper my feelings are," says Kate. "The most fundamental thing I have realised though is that now I am married, Dan is my priority and, in the future, as his wife I now must take his side in things."

The couple spoke about how they were going to tackle issues such as money and when to have children before taking their vows, and cite their pre-marriage counselling as useful preparation. That hasn't stopped the last seven months being a steep learning curve. "Living together has enabled us to really get to know each other because we've now seen each other at our worst," says Kate. "We've learned about our differences and we are discovering how we react differently to things and how we express our love for one another. We are adapting to each other but most of the time being married has been awesome."

As students, they have spent lots of time together, helping them to build up a solid foundation as a couple while they plan their future working in the humanitarian sector in Africa. "We are very excited about what life holds for both of us," says Daniel. "It's always hard making decisions as you worry about making mistakes, but it's easier when you know that whatever happens there will be someone there with you."

THE MID-LIFE MARRIEDS

Sheila, 42, and Markos Dafereras, 41, married on 27 October 1990 at Anworth Kirk in Gatehouse of Fleet, Dumfries and Galloway. They own and run Edinburgh's Greek jewellery store, Asimi. They have three children, Ross, 14, Niko, 12, and Harry, ten, and live in the city's Trinity area.

"We just knew, it was as simple as that, and because we had no doubts, neither did anyone around us," says Sheila of her decision to marry the man she met on a Greek holiday at just 21. Such conviction came, they concede, from being young and in love, but also stemmed from the type of people they are. Whereas many couples get through married life by deliberating and debating, Sheila and Markos take a more instinctive approach. "We didn't know what we were going to do once we were married, or even where we were going to live, but we never doubted ourselves or worried about the future," says Markos. "We've always taken leaps of faith, which has kept driving us forward. It's the same today - we are both entrepreneurial and are not afraid of trying new business ventures. We don't worry about what will happen if it doesn't work out. I think our marriage works because we are busy and don't have time to fret about our relationship too much - we just get on with it."

This positive outlook, they say, in part comes from the fact that both had many happily married relatives around when they were growing up, giving them a positive view of marriage. "I come from a big, close-knit family and my parents are very happily married - as are Sheila's," says Markos. "We didn't want the traditional life they had but I wanted to get married and to have a family."

While the prospect of retirement in Greece is enticing, for now family is the most important thing. "From the moment you have your first child life becomes utterly about them, so at the moment marriage is not about the two of us, it's about the family," says Sheila. Working together does sometimes make it hard to get the work-life balance right but Sheila says there are advantages to running a business together: "Over the years we have learned to play to our strengths and although rows are inevitable because we have important business decisions to make, we can never fall out for long and we have to keep talking to each other.

"Marriage is about listening to each other and learning to compromise. It's about knowing how strongly the other person feels about something without having to argue about it, so you know when to give in.

"We have become adept at that now, although we still do argue about the children - it can be very difficult to compromise when you have different ideas on a point about their upbringing."

Markos says that although marriage has changed the couple, they actually get on better now than when they first met: "The passion is still there but we have discovered things about each other's personalities that we love - things that we just didn't know at the start."

THE VETERANS

Elsie, 77, and Alec Weir, 83, got married on 4 April 1953 at Innerleven East Church in Methil, Fife. They have one son - Derry, 51 - and are now retired and live in Kirkcaldy, Fife.

"IN THOSE DAYS marriage was just the done thing," says Elsie of the months the pair spent courting after they met at a wedding in 1949. "I remember my mother starting a bottom drawer for us with all the things we might need for a home. When she did that we both realised that we had my parents' blessing and it was only a matter of time before we got engaged - we never really talked about it - we just clicked and that was it."

As was expected, Elsie took up the role of homemaker and Alec continued with his job managing a travelling grocery shop. "It was difficult. We didn't have much money and there was no running water, so keeping a house for the first time was hard," recalls Elsie. "However, I loved being a housewife and still do."

That's not to say there wasn't time for fun - the pair have always enjoyed going out as a couple and like to dress smartly when they do. "We still go out for coffee every day and we like going out for dinner on a Saturday - it's important to make an effort," says Alec.

The pair eventually bought their own licensed grocery shop, where they both worked, and now, says Elsie, live in luxury compared to how they started out. It's been their ability to pursue this shared goal, while being happy with what they had, that has been the key to the success of their marriage.

"The young ones nowadays want too much from life and think they can achieve anything - as a result they are so busy pursuing their own goals that they don't want to commit and are pulled off in different directions - they want to lead separate lives but also enjoy the comfort that marriage brings," she says.

Elsie laments the fact that priorities have changed and marriage isn't held in such high regard: "I always just wanted marriage and a family life - to me that is everything you could possibly want."

Alec agrees, adding that although marriage might now be seen as an outdated institution by some, it still needs to be taken seriously. "We have always been there for each other," he says. "That's not to say that it has been easy - we've been through rough patches, but you have to identify what you ultimately want as a couple and you've got to work at it. You have to try to always be patient and kind to each other and be a team. You need a bit of luck as well, but the younger generation just seem to want to play at it."

Now, more than half a century since they first met, their hard work is paying dividends. "Maybe I am looking back with rose-tinted glasses, but when you have difficulties you just need to sit down and talk about them, and every time you get over a difficult patch you become closer and it gets better," says Elsie. "Over the years our wedding vows - to love, honour and cherish, in sickness and in health - have definitely rung true. Marriage is about having a duty to care for one another and that never changes; in fact, if anything, as you get older you need each other even more.





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