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I PASSED the big 4-0 milestone and I am single. Still single. Single still. Single. At least people have stopped asking me at weddings, reunions and funerals the embarrassing question, “So, when is it your turn?”
My last public humiliation was in 2000 when one of my best girlfriends—one of three who made a pact in medical school to be each other’s bridesmaids—actually called in the favor after 9/11 and before her 40th birthday. I couldn’t believe it, she wanted to beat the deadline saying, “Life is too short, I want to be married before I am 40.” Fortunately, she found a willing groom.
So I flew myself to New York, where on a lovely spring day, I found myself doing the maid-of-honor duty, walking down the aisle to keep my promise, ahead of the bride, muttering in time to the wedding march, “This-is-the-last-time, this-is-the-la-st time, this is ab-so-lu-te-ly the la-st time,” while trying to keep a smile on my face and from tripping in my silver stilettos.
To top it all, at the reception, during the time-honored bouquet toss, I did not jostle, jump, wrestle or elbow anyone, my well-meaning friend aimed the roses at me with nuclear warhead precision, and all the other single women—I must have had two decades on them—respectfully kept their distance. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me.
Not NBSB
I come from a long line of spinsters, from either side of the family—a family curse, quite like the poor eyesight and asthma passed down the generations. None of my Gat(bonton) grandfather’s three sisters married; of my father’s three sisters, only one married. Among my first cousins, we are three maiden aunts to a growing number of surrogate Gat children.
On my mother’s side, her only sister, and my godmother, also did not marry. So, I cite genetics as an excuse in my case.
For the record, I am single, but not alone. Single, but not necessarily celibate. This is the age of the new millennium spinster, though I prefer Bridget Jones’s term, “singleton.” I am single by choice, not by circumstance. I am not a pathetic NBSB (no boyfriend since birth), I have been (three and four years), and am in a long, committed relationship (four years). Whether I am a serial monogamist like Hugh Grant’s character in Four Weddings and a Funeral is fodder for another article altogether.
I am overweight but decent looking, have a respectable and successful career (doctor/writer), am financially independent, do not have to ask permission to do anything I chose, travel regularly, scuba dive and am answerable to no one in theory (except maybe my parents).
So why do I cringe each time I have to check the S-box for my civil status? What is wrong with me? Why don’t I have a double-barrel surname yet?
Some comfort: I’m not alone. A Cosmopolitan Philippines survey in 2004 says that being single is the most common cause of stress for modern-day Maria Claras aged 18 to 35, ranking more than illness, being fired or a death in a family.
The myth: Mr. Right for me versus Mr. Right for now
Long ago, I bought into the myth that we all have our one special soul mate, the one Mr. Right for Me, and when we find him we will live happily ever after. Eighty percent of just over 700 Pinays in Cosmo’s 2005 marriage survey also believe in finding their Prince Charming. However, in the Cosmo article, “5 marriage myths that could be messing up your love life,” Stephanie Dychiu quotes Dr. Neil Warren, a psychologist and author, who declares there is no one individual waiting for you; and if you subscribe to that view, it opens up a whole range of possibilities. He says, “Soul mates are made, not born. You start with ingredients for a highly compatible, successful relationship, then you work to develop closeness and intimacy.”
This does not mean you cop out and lower your standards, Warren says you “expand your field of vision.” Finding Mr. Right for now is hard to do if you have stars in your eyes.
The myth: Marriage is a must
Marriage and motherhood used to be the be all and end all of a woman’s purpose and existence. If you are single, society somehow makes you feel incomplete, unsuccessful. Lacking. That there is something wrong with you; you are a pariah.
The reality is that in olden times, marriage was a contract necessary for social and economic purposes, protecting property and maintaining bloodlines. Women had no capacity for self-determination and were dependent on men—fathers, uncles, brothers, sons—for survival. Dychiu says nowadays, thanks to hundreds of years of struggle and emancipation, marriage is now a choice rather than a condition for survival.
Fortunately, that perception is now catching on. Seventy-seven of the women say that marriage is not necessary for a woman to be complete, 71 percent say premarital sex is all right, and 62 percent say is acceptable to live in before marriage.
Though nearly half of the Pinay singles think they cannot be happy unless they were married, motherhood is more important than marriage. They will be even more disappointed if they had no children, especially for 63 percent of potential nanays out there.
The myth: Marriage a guarantee of happiness
Marriage is not the shortcut or quick solution to emotional, intellectual or financial stability. Women who marry for the wrong reasons will find reality biting hard. Societal expectation and pressure can burden us, so much that some of us give in. But in doing so, we can lose out on fully realizing our own potential before we tie ourselves down with a wedding band.
Just over half, 53 percent of women believe they will be happy singletons. For those who have a choice, we must really know ourselves and what we want: Be honest about how important being married is, how much the partnership can contribute to our growth, and truly be friends with our partner before we take the proverbial plunge.
For those who are single because of choice, circumstance or genetics, we should relish and celebrate our singlehood. The married and single states each have their pros and cons—how you chose to perceive your situation is up to you. Happiness is a state of mind. Popular psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw puts it bluntly, “I’d rather be healthy alone than sick with someone else.”
That advice is repeated by Eduardo Jose Calasanz in Partners and Marriage, the Ateneo class essay making the Internet rounds. “If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait.”
But what if you have to wait all your life? If you are healthy, independent and content, living the best way you know, that’s a good place to be. Single or not.
Single ring
So what to do about that empty ring finger? To advertise your single status, get yourself the single ring, various types are now available and in vogue. The most unique, the singelringen, a striking combination of cobalt blue and silver, says on its website that by wearing the ring, “You say it’s OK to be single.” You may wish to find “the one,” or you are quite satisfied with life as it is. Regardless, you will show to everyone that you accept and stand for what you are, an attractive single.”
As our poster girl Bridget says, “Hurrah for Singletons!”
So, is being a singleton a blessing or a curse? While you’re thinking about your answer, I’m buying myself a ring.
By Patricia B. Gatbonton MD, Health News Magazine
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