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"I know a little something about this Valentine's Day thing," says Barrington resident Dr. Scott Haltzman. "Every once in a while my wife reminds me that I have to do something." It just goes to show that even an expert on happy marriages needs a little guidance from his one true love.
Last year Dr. Haltzman, a Brown University psychiatrist and marriage counselor, published a book, "The Secrets of Happily Married Men." Now he's set up a website (http://www.happilymarriedwomen.com/) to collect feedback from the fairer sex for another writing project.
"The (first) book stirred a lot of interest and debate and one of the obstacles of writing that book was, 'Men don't read relationship books,' and that really was the impetus for writing the next book. The publisher said, 'Where's the companion book?'" says Dr. Haltzman.
Two separate books are necessary, of course, because men and women are altogether different creatures, he says.
The main thrust of his book on married men is that men need to look at their marriage as a job, with definitive tasks and goals. "They've told me that seeing marriage as a job really resonates with them," he says. "They're reassured to know they can treat marriage with the same degree of confidence and purpose as they do their job."
However, he says the last thing women want is another job.
"Women are really struggling with their roles in trying to have it all," says Dr. Haltzman, noting how the influx of more females in the workforce has complicated their home life. "Women have a tough time balancing their role as an individual outside the home — in their workplace and the community — with their role as mother and wife."
Women want men to appreciate all that they do, he says, noting that even in duel-income households, women still do the bulk of the housework and decision-making. "I've become very sensitive to what a stressful scenario it is, because women aren't respected enough for the contributions they make outside the home, and most women are doing the lion's share of household management. Where do they have the time?" he says. "The really happily married women are the ones who somehow get more of what they want from doing less. They're saying, 'I want to find a way to have happiness in my life without taking on another job.'"
Another key difference between the sexes, of course, is in the way they communicate. Although he's a marriage counselor himself, Dr. Haltzman doesn't recommend the therapy for all men. "It's a foreign experience for men — going indoors and talking about your feelings. Men are more action oriented," says Dr. Haltzman "The expectation is that both partners will talk equally about their feelings and the man may fall short, leaving the office thinking there's one more thing he doesn't do well."
Women look for deep, meaningful conversations as a way of connecting, he says. "If they recognize that their husbands aren't always comfortable with that, they're going to feel frustrated. But if you go off for a walk holding hands, it may be just as meaningful," he says.
Then there are the times when a husband doesn't seem to be listening to his wife when she asks him to empty the dishwasher or perform some other household task. "Men are more distracted than women. She says, 'I've been asking him to change the lightbulb for three weeks.' But she can get out a ladder, and then that's the cue. I think it's kind of accepting that your man is different and playing to your own strengths," he says. "Unsuccessful wives use the strategy of nagging, which doesn't work," he says.
Men need something different
Men tend to find an emotional connection differently — through physical intimacy, says Dr. Haltzman. That often presents its own set of problems. Go to Dr. Haltzman's website for men (http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/) and you'll find no shortage of postings by men frustrated by a dwindling sex life, particularly after childbirth. Dr. Haltzman often posts advice in the forums and says he's learned much from what he's read.
"I appreciated how very closely men associated physical intimacy with emotional connection. Men really need to have sex to feel loved and cared for," he says. "When relationships are doing well, sex may account for 20 percent of a couple's happiness. But when it's not, it may account for up to 70 percent of their unhappiness."
Although men generally have a higher sex drive than women, physical intimacy is also considered by women to be a key to a happy marriage, he says. "Romance and sex are often put on the back burner, but the women who felt their marriages were successful say they shouldn't be," he says.
Wife weighs in
When it comes to love and relationships, Dr. Haltzman certainly talks the talk. So we asked his wife of 18 years, Susan, whether he walks the walk.
"She's the best example of why I needed to write that book," Dr. Haltzman. "She knows everything that's wrong with me."
They first met while on separate vacations at Club Med in Mexico. "We were at the dinner table. He was with a friend and I was with three or four girlfriends," says Ms. Haltzman. "The friend he was with tried to pick me up and Scott basically said, 'No, that's not going to work.'"
Married 18 years ago, they have two teenage children, Matt and Alena.
Her husband may be an authority on marital happiness, but Ms. Haltzman says he's not much different from any other husband at home. "Let's say he ebbs and flows. He's so good-natured that he knows when he's kind of sliding by the wayside," she says. "I think it would be really hard for a guy to do all the things he says in his book. Just being kind is major for me."
Has he learned anything from her? "Lots. I think I have really good instincts and he trusts and respects those instincts."
Is he a good listener? "He's a good listener when he makes eye contact," she says, adding that her husband "listens all day" so he probably wants to get a break from that at home, where he's often found hunched over his laptop.
When that happens, she modifies the old "ladder for a lightbulb" trick by putting a pile of laundry in front of him. "Otherwise, he'll be distracted and not pay attention. Sometimes it's just about him needing to hear me for a minute. He's very busy, but sometimes he needs to stop."
But now Ms. Haltzman needs says she needs a new strategy. "Now he gets distracted while he's folding laundry," she says with a laugh.
Don't fear Valentine's Day
As for Valentine's Day, Dr. Haltzman says men shouldn't get so worked up. "Men fear Valentine's Day, and I used to fall into the same camp. I used to get so anxious — afraid I wouldn't meet my wife's expectations," he says.
But now, he looks at Valentine's Day as a "payday" for his wife. "My employees work hard. They deserve what they get, so I give it to them."
The most important thing when selecting a gift is to remember when matters to your wife, he says. "Really what matters is the care that you put into it. If she doesn't love jewelry, then it doesn't make sense to go out and buy a tennis bracelet."
Don't procrastinate, he advises. "I already bought some cards," he says. "Go out now and ease your conscious."
When asked what he's getting Susan, Dr. Haltzman begs off, saying he doesn't want to ruin the surprise. "But I know I'm going to do something, and I'm going to love it."
Some tips for women seeking marital bliss
Dr. Scott Haltzman, who has been researching marriage for the past seven years, has already learned many useful tips from women who enjoy marital bliss.
"Without exception, happy wives recognize the differences in needs between men and women and strive to meet those needs lovingly," he said.
Based on his preliminary findings, he offers the following tips for women:
* Communication means more than just talk. Because men are often more comfortable with using actions to demonstrate emotions, you can better "hear" your man's expression of love if you watch for them.
* Less is more. For most husbands, speech that gets directly to the point is more effective than long explanations. Save yourself the trouble of lengthy descriptions; he's not going to listen anyway. Give him the facts up front; he listens, you get heard.
* Savor your friendships with women. It's natural to have ebbs and flows in your marital bond. To help you get through the ebb periods, maintain close ties to female friends. They'll help you find a balance in your need for connection.
* Simple pleasures are often best. Sometimes, simply making a home-cooked meal or a back rub can convert your grizzly husband into a teddy bear. It's so much easier than trying to get him to open up and talk about what's making him cranky.
* Boost his ego. Men like to feel like they make a big difference in your life, even when they do trivial things such as opening a jar of peanut butter. Go ahead and praise the simple things; it's an easy way to motivate him to do even more for you.
Dr. Haltzman acknowledges that the recommendations are just the tip of the iceberg. "In order to learn what really propels women to great relationships, I need to hear from the women themselves," he said, adding that his "Happily Married Women" website is easy to use, confidential and place where women can learn from other women.
"I'm eager to learn what works, and what doesn't work," he said.
For more information and to submit feedback to Dr. Haltzman, visit www.happilymarriedwomen.com.
By Jim McGaw
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