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It’s 2:30 a.m. and the attending nurse at the hospital asks you to make an incident report for your “new” injuries. She asks you about the bruising on the cheek bone and swollen eye. She asks you about the bruising to your ribs. She asserts the bruises look like the result of a repeated striking force to the body, very similar to intense blows caused from punches or kicks. You shake your head and look at your friend who holds your hand offering you a sense of refuge from the assaults of the world you live in. The nurse asks you if you’re sure the injuries were caused by falling down a flight of stares. In a mind-set, which seems so much like a nightmare you are waiting for to end, you nod half-aware of your immediate existence.
Domestic abuse goes on all the time in marriages and in homes. Furthermore, domestic abuse gets under-reported or hidden to much. All abuse is bad! Nothing good comes from abuse psychologically or physically. The repercussions from the abuse can be so traumatic, the scarring lasts for an entire lifetime. If there is any silver lining in an abusive relationship, it is when the one who is being abused gets the courage and wherewithal to walk away, or the individual doing the abusing realizes what they are doing is wrong and seeks out professional help. In the meantime, any and all abuse should not be tolerated!
Abuse comes in different forms. Perhaps domestic abuse can be categorized into one of the four sub-classes: Physical, Psychological/Mental, Emotional and Spiritual. Physical abuse is the most obvious and the one which captures immediate attention. The most common types of physical abuse are hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, pushing, grabbing and restraining.
Psychological abuse is more of an intangible abuse which is more difficult to see and sometimes hard to label when you are in the situation. Perhaps the best example of psychological abuse is seen in women who develop “Learned Helplessness” while staying in an abusive relationship for too long. During the relationship, two things are done which lead them to develop learned helplessness. They are both oppressed and suppressed by their mates. Their partner gradually removes life-lines and social contacts from their life; their immediate family, friends, career, social life, aspirations, interests, etc. All they have in the end is their mate and their children. Furthermore, their partner scrutinizes and berates their very existence. They tell their mate so many negative things that they start to believe these things to be true of themselves. They hear put-downs like, “if you were a single mother, who would want you?”, “you’re fat and stupid”, “you have no money and no education, where are you going to go?” and so on. Consequently, they believe in what they are told and act accordingly…helpless! And this is why they stay in an abusive relationship, nearly living the existence of a slave because they truly believe they deserve no better and can get no better.
Emotional abuse is very much like psychological abuse in that you don’t really know it’s happening to you when you are in the eye of the tornado. In fact, it happens so often, you just write it off as a normal part of relationships in the sense you believe “name calling” and “put down behaviours” are the norm. For those who get denied love and affection even though they seek it out, well, this is also a form of emotional abuse. When your partner knowingly withholds their affection from you even though you are always seeking it, they are part-taking in neglect which in essence is a form of emotional abuse.
Spiritual abuse is a less discussed type of abuse which is often times heard about in different cultures or religions. In this type of abuse, you put down an individual because of their religious or cultural beliefs. Furthermore, one might be forced into questionable religious/cultic practices which they believe to be detrimental or harmful. One’s mate threatens to leave them if they don’t participate or they throw man made doctrines into their face and threaten them with “hell and fire” if they don’t do what they are asked to do.
Most abuse starts out as psychological and emotional abuse. This would include: name calling, put-down behaviors, being cold and aloof and being intentionally spiteful. After a while, when this is tolerated for a long period of time, the abuser becomes comfortable in the behaviors and realizes they can get away with more. The abuse is then likely to escalate into physical abuse. From here my friends, it only gets worse! Each time one is allowed to get away with their abuse, they are likely to act again because they know it will be forgiven. In fact, the individual causing the abuse is likely to become desensitized to the whole process of emotions. This is to say, as it goes on, they are less likely to feel guilt, shame or remorse for what they’ve done because in their minds, they see it as almost “expected” of them.
There are a host of reasons why people choose or stay in abusive relationships. It would take hours to explain the ramifications, but perhaps the best summarization is “low self-esteem” which has flourished over time like a weed. It most likely started in childhood, was reinforced in teenage/young adult years and has evolved to full fruition by mid-twenties. It is during this time period that individuals are most likely to tolerate the most abuse in their lives, especially if they have married and now have children. There are a host of reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. Perhaps they can best be summed up in five reasons:
1) Stay for the children. They stay for the financial and tangible support. Many abused, single mothers will have a hard time coping on their own, so many are willing to endure the abuse to make sure their children are taken care of.
2) Stay because they believe this is what love is. Some women are conditioned to believe that hitting and abuse are a part of marriages. This can be learned from watching their own parents dysfunctional relationship.
3) Believe they deserve it. Some women start to believe they are worthless and trash and believe this relationship is the best they will ever have. If these women get into similar types of relationships, this only reinforces the belief they can do no better, so they “settle”.
4) Attribute the abuse to machismo and/or substance abuse. Often times, when women are abused by their mates, they attribute the abuse to the alcohol, drugs or masculinity of their mate. You ask these women and they will assert that their mate is really not an angry person, rather it is the drinking which makes them abusive. Also, some will even go so far and claim that it’s the testosterone and “being” a man which makes them aggressive.
5) Love is blind! Some women are “so in love” with their partner they believe one day the abuse will stop suddenly. They believe their mates promises and apologies to change they turn the other cheek and pretend or believe it will all end on day. Often times, when we think this way, we believe in two simple premises: The abuser will change on their own miraculously, or you will help nurture and facilitate a change in the abuser.
In my book, WHY WOMEN WANT WHAT THEY CAN’T HAVE, I explore the many possibilities why women stay in abusive relationships, why they give men who abuse them or cheat on them repeated chances, why men abuse and cheat and why people overall settle for less than “ideal” mates.
Just like an gambler who becomes hooked on the adrenaline rush to gambling, some individuals get hooked on the adrenaline rush to being in a relationship. Many start out with the belief they can walk away at any point and never look back. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Many people look for someone to complete their life rather than compliment it! Many are in love with the idea of being “in love” and this is why they settle for less than ideal mates.
There are certain signs individuals with self-esteem radiate. Those individuals who can pick up these signs are like predators and they prey on these weak individuals. They are likely to say all the “right things” and act in ways which are likely to win their trust. Once they are lured in by the charm and intense flattery, they become trapped and cannot leave. Over a period of time, one’s spirit starts to get crushed and they are likely to develop learned helplessness. They literally can’t stop or get out of what they started.
Often times other people, family and friends see signs in the beginning and tell women to be careful, but many women choose to ignore the warnings. Most times, they recognize the signs themselves and they choose to ignore them in the hope they will go away, or better yet, their partner will change. You’ve heard the adage, “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”? Well, many believe they can “change” their partners, or their partners will change for them. Unfortunately, these women are disillusioned if they really believe it will happen. In fact, the longer they live with this misconception, the more likely they are to succumb to being in an abusive situation and becoming trapped. A Dalmatian cannot change it’s spots, just an individual cannot change their personality after being a certain way their entire life. Sad but true, for abusers, anger and aggression becomes a way of life for them and these qualities are instinctual for coping with the rigors of their perceived everyday realities. The abused woman becomes a punching bag for which an abuser displaces life-long frustrations and continued failures facilitated by their low self-esteem.
Two are needed to form any relationship. Depending on the dynamics and quality of any relationship, both individuals have a role to play in the success or failure of a relationship. Just because a relationship fails, it does not mean one has failed as a human being. If this were the case, most if not all of us would be deemed “failures” because we have all had at least more than one relationship throughout our lives. Abused women need to know when to surrender to “trying to make it work” and let it go. You can’t change someone who does not want to change. Some men have been referred to as “dogs” for derogatory reasons. To be honest with you, one has a better chance of training an abusive canine, than they do with an abusive human being.
Women have to be more selective with the partners they are seeking. One has to take a personal inventory of themself before they truly know what they are looking for. Too many women “settle” repeatedly because they believe they cannot get any better. Furthermore, too many women stay in abusive relationships because they truly believe this as good as it gets? In my book Women Want What They Can’t Have, I discuss the various types of lovers and the reasons we choose the types of lovers we do. Also, I delve into the who misconception of “change” and how so many women instinctually operate on this principle they can “fix” people (men) and make everything better.
I would be labeled a sexist if I didn’t include that there are just as many males out there looking for the “perfect woman” to fill the void in their lives. Everyone wants to be in a relationship. Since we are social creatures, we need to be around people. Sometimes, men pick the wrong types of women repeatedly because they lack the emotional connection with their own mothers and they are seeking a woman to fulfill that void. Others are looking for “younger” woman to make them feel young again. While others, who are already in a relationship can’t understand why they are always looking or hanging around strip clubs more than they should be. Men experience problems too in their own perceptions of relationships and how they should be. There are many men who fall into the same repetitious patterns for selecting the same types of partners which are destined to fail.
Many individuals have preconceived notions of how their mates
and relationships should be. What is most important is that the “notion” of how your mates and relationships are to be congeal with a model undermined with positive, optimal, healthy qualities. Did you know many people are likely to be more scrupulous about buying a house, car or furniture? When you ask them why, they will tell you that it is a major investment which you plan on having around for a great number of years. Now, I am in no way comparing humans to material objects, but I am saying that perhaps our selection process for choosing mates could be a little more scrupulous as well too!
In my book, I have a personalized inventory to relationships I invite readers to take. I invite you to look over the list and see how you answer these questions. Do you have an addictive personality when it comes to relationships? Do you think you might be “co-dependent”?
1) I need to be in a relationship to be happy. Marriage is the only way I feel complete.
TRUE FALSE
2) I expect my partner to know me inside and out. That proves they really care about me.
TRUE FALSE
3) I expect my mate to like my family and friends. They should if they really love me:
TRUE FALSE
4) Women and men are very different. My partner should have the same ideologies about gender roles, gender identities and expectations as myself: TRUE FALSE
5) Family, religion and politics are very important to me. My partner should have almost the same exact beliefs as me: TRUE FALSE
6) My partner and I should have the same sexual needs and attitudes. If we differ, we should always strive to try and please the other: TRUE FALSE
7) My partner should stay the same way emotionally as they were in the beginning when we met. They should not change in any way which will hinder or hurt our relationship:
TRUE FALSE
8) I believe communication is the key ingredient to any lasting relationship. A relationship will fail if we stop communicating: TRUE FALSE
9) All arguments, conflict and confrontation should be avoided in a relationship. There is no need to argue: TRUE FALSE
10) I believe marriage should be a one time deal for me in that I intend on staying married to the same individual for better or for worse especially for the children: TRUE FALSE
11) Every relationship is repairable no matter how bad it’s turned and I will always stick it out: TRUE FALSE
12) I find myself always turning the other cheek and trying to make things work. Perhaps it’s my strong religious belief of turning the other cheek: TRUE FALSE
13) Cheating is okay in a relationship as long as you don’t get caught. TRUE FALSE
14) I believe in the concept of a “soulmate” and I will never stop looking. TRUE FALSE
15) There is one perfect mate out there for everyone and until I find them, I won’t be happy. TRUE FALSE
16) Holidays and special occasions are only festive if you have a partner. TRUE FALSE
17) I expect the one I am with to keep me happy or I am not happy in the relationship.
TRUE FALSE
18) I am always reading self-help books to try and figure my relationships out.
TRUE FALSE
19) If I have problems with my mate, I tend to complain about them to my friends.
TRUE FALSE
20) No matter what, I never seem to be happy!
TRUE FALSE
To learn more about addictive relationships, visit www.petersacco.com and read my popular selling book which is changing the way people look at relationships!
The most important thing all of us should remember is that we are our own person and our own sense of well-being must come from within ourselves. Staying in an abusive relationship and hoping your mate will change and make you “happy” again as he did when you first met is detrimental and could be deadly. No one deserves to be abused! The only way abuse in relationships will stop is if everyone being abused opts for zero tolerance and leaves the situation. The longer one is abused, the more permanent the scars are. Furthermore, when there are children involved, the damage could be irreversible.
This life we live is not a warm-up or dress rehearsal for the real show. This is the real show. We only have chance at living so why not get the most out of life. Hey, why not get the most out of your relationships too!
By Peter Andrew Sacco, Ph.D.
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