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Amor vincit omnia. Love conquers all. Nonsense.
Love, like the rest of us, lives in the real world, and real world concerns can often squelch love.
 We learn about love from our cultural mythology and often those stories bring together unlikely lovers, whether it is from feuding families like “Romeo and Juliet” or different social classes like Professor Higgins and Eliza from “My Fair Lady.” Richard Gere falls in love with a prostitute in “Pretty Woman” and in “American Gigolo” he was the prostitute who had his rich client fall in love with him.
But after the whirlwind romance, how do these couples face day to day life and keep that love alive? What are the secrets to relationships that work and how do we find a love that will last? The keys lie in how we view the past, the present, and the future.
THE PAST
Many couples therapists will take time to explore what they call “the family of origin,” meaning the environment in which each person grew up and how it shaped their view of the world. If he grew up in a large Italian family where tempers flared often and loudly only to be forgotten the next day and she was raised in a quiet WASPY repressed environment where feelings were kept inside and conflict was avoided at all cost, they will approach disagreements from very different corners. For him, an angry outburst with loud voices is just letting off steam, yet for her it feels so foreign and alienating it must indicate a major fissure in the relationship.
Some people grow up with privilege and wealth and have the opportunity for higher education and travel and sophisticated social events. Others struggle just to survive and have to fight hard for any advantage to make their way in the world. Each may have pre-conceived notions about the other or feel alien in the other’s world. What if Cinderella wanted a life in Birkenstocks instead of glass slippers or Snow White wanted the dwarves to hang out at the castle all the time with her and the prince? Many of these love stories depend on one partner changing or transforming the other – beauty could love the beast but only when he learned proper table manners. In the real world we know it is very difficult to change someone.
 It is well worth exploring each other’s past and making an effort to understand the forces which helped to shape us into who we are – for the better or for the worse. As we share our own stories, we enlighten our partner to the roots of our behaviors and beliefs and armed with this knowledge have the opportunity to interact with compassion instead of judgment.
THE PRESENT
Why do we all seem to fall more in love when we are away on vacation? Because the cares of the day to day world don’t exist except for where to go for dinner or which beach to explore for sunset. When seeking out a new relationship we are dazzled by beauty or wealth or incredible chemistry. Sure you need the attraction but then you also need to ask each other difficult and profound questions. Is the primary goal of the relationship to provide fun in the moment or are you in a life space that you really are looking for a long term partner? What phase of life are you in – one where your ambition is on full drive and your career needs to come first or in a phase where quality family time is paramount? Ask each other what are your passions and how do you enjoy your leisure time.
If one partner finds relaxation by being a home body and is content with the familiar and the other loves being a social butterfly with constant new stimulation does one or the other feel compromised? Enjoying similar things be they sports, spirituality, travel, pets, live music, or foreign films creates common ground for a shared life. Of course, time apart and separate interests and passions are also important so each partner has a chance to have a life as an individual as well as part of a couple. Ultimately a relationship is a happiness triangle or yours, mine, and ours and each of the three legs needs to remain strong to avoid collapse.
 THE FUTURE
Shared goals are an absolute key component to successful relationships. Do you want children, how many, and when seems to be such an obvious question and yet it can be the downfall of many couples and a cause of deep heartache. If it is the deep desire of one and not the other, there can be resentment from the one who capitulates. We also live in a world of blurred gender roles and how the responsibilities are divided need to be specifically discussed. What is the balance of each partner’s work, play, and together time? By exploring expectations you can find out early on if you are both on the same relationship page.
Goals may also be ones of where you ultimately want to live. Would you rather spend the spare income on a great vacation or forego it to save for a house? Are you happiest with life in a big city or in the country? How about living abroad for a year? Even something as simple as décor can be an issue – does one partner want to renovate an old Victorian house and fill it with antiques or does the other want a large open modern minimalist house? The end game is a shared vision of the future.
What are your expectations in terms of money and the balance of spending or saving? Do you believe in carpe diem or the protestant ethic? People’s beliefs about money can be as dividing as any other issue so it is important that there is a clear agreement that feels fair to both parties.
It is essential you honor each other’s dreams. Can you find a balance where each partner feels they are supported and yet be willing at times to put aside your own preferences to support your loved one?
While it is impossible to predict the future and goodness knows there are some curveballs headed our way at least the grounded support for one another can help a couple make it through better than they could have as individuals.
The willingness to have an open and honest dialogue about the past, present, and future can help people in their search for a love that can last. And our ability to hear and honor our partner is as important as having our own needs met. Vulnerability arises as we open up to each other and express our hurts, fears, joys, and dreams yet ultimately it is intimacy which we achieve through the process. So while love may not conquer all, don’t let fear conquer love.
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