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Love hurts

Date: 2007-01-29

We have all heard the statistics on domestic violence and its effect on the family and community. However, the prevalence of teen dating violence has become such a large issue that Feb. 5-9 has been declared National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week.

How bad is it? Many agencies, like the Marion County Children's Alliance, have added teen dating violence issues to their programs.

Teen dating violence is not just kids being kids. While parents may perceive teen relationships as insignificant, when teen dating violence creeps in, it has the same dynamics as adult domestic violence. Look at the statistics:

? Approximately one in five female teenagers will experience violence in dating relationships;

? Research shows that if violence occurs even once in a dating relationship, most likely it will occur again and that battering tends to escalate over time and could, in some cases, lead to homicide or suicide;

? Ninth-grade victims of teen dating violence are 6.4 times as likely to have carried a gun to school and 3.5 times as likely to have carried another type of weapon to school as other ninth-graders. They are 3.7 times as likely to have been threatened or injured with a weapon at school, three times as likely to have been in a physical fight at school and three times as likely to have damaged school property as other ninth-graders;

? Approximately 39 percent of all students surveyed reported that they had been the victim of dating violence.

But what is teen dating violence? Any form of slapping, pinching, biting, hitting, pressure to have sex or perform sexual acts. Yelling, cursing or statements meant to belittle or lower your self-esteem are all precursors to violence. Once the victim succumbs to the verbal attacks, physical harm is just a heartbeat away.

The warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship are subtle and some teens see it as "love" not abuse. Does the person show signs of jealousy and won't let the victim talk to other people? Does he or she have controlling behaviors such as picking out the victim's clothing or providing a cell phone so they can be in touch with him or her constantly? Keeps the victim away from friends and family? Always finds excuses to not be involved with the victim's family or friends by saying, "We only need each other." Blames problems on others? Shows sudden mood changes? Acts easily hurt or insulted?

Love is not control. Unfortunately many teens believe that their partner's dedication to them is the real thing. In reality, it could be the beginning of a violent relationship.

Teen relationships go from zero to 60 in just days. They are not experienced in intimate give and take of relationships and fall into the trap of needing to have a significant other in order to fit in with the teen society. This makes them susceptible to manipulation and intimidation.

What can parents or caregivers do if they suspect their child is involved in an abusive dating relationship? Sit down with your child and talk. Slowly, and without confrontation, explain what it means to be involved in a healthy relationship. Talk about your concerns for your child's safety and, in a nonjudgmental way, ask how you can help.

Teens may resist help from parents or guardians. They want to be seen as "adults" and say they can handle it on their own. If your child is resistant and you are firm in your belief that she is experiencing dating violence, seek out the school counselor, the family clergy, a friend your child trusts or law enforcement.

Teens who are part of an abusive relationship are also more likely to experience violence in their adult relationships. Don't let your teen become another statistic. Love shouldn't hurt and teens deserve a healthy dating relationship.





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