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If one believes the recently published "A Practical Handbook for the Boyfriend," written by Felicity Huffman (yep, that Felicity) and her best friend, Patricia Wolff, a man's emotional checklist is very short indeed:
"Am I hungry? Am I sleepy? Am I horny?" Meet those needs and your man will be satiated, re-energized and back to concentrating on his livelihood.
But wait! Isn't there one more? Like "Am I insulted?"
Probably should be. In an unusual week (according to our alert books editor, Sarah T. Williams), more than six tomes on men and dating crossed our desks. Only a few publishers seemed aware that men have evolved to the upright position, capable of deeper thought than "twist-off or pop-top?"
Huffman, who is married to fellow actor William Macy and who recently played a man becoming a woman in "Transamerica," teamed up with best friend Wolff to write the dating book, which notes on the cover, "Boyfriend Not Included." Ha! What boyfriend would want to be?
The authors offer men first-date tips such as to avoid saying, "You have beautiful legs; they'd look great wrapped around my neck" (overused, no doubt), or this doozy: "I can tell you're not fat 'cause of your arms." They list some of the worst gifts men have given to their girlfriends (idiots!) and write about sex in terms men can, allegedly, understand: Food imagery: "As any cookbook will tell you, it's best to preheat the oven before you put in the roast."
Admittedly, the girls just wanted to have fun, and there are some clever passages. But, ultimately, men look stupid and women look helpless. This is progress?
One might wonder whether Wayne Levine wrote "Hold on to Your N.U.T.s: The Relationship Manual for Men" just to see how many sentences he could have jolly fun with: "Whatever you do, guys, always maintain a firm grasp of your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms," (a k a N.U.T.s). Get it?
Levine, director of the West Coast Men's Center in Agoura Hills, Calif., offers eight "BetterMen Tools" -- "We men love our tools," he said -- to get men moving toward the noble goal of healthier love relationships. Unfortunately, much of his advice seems less New Age, more Stone Age: Stop being afraid of your wife, for starters. Run the sex and romance departments. Be the rock. Don't argue. And don't defend your feelings. "Maintaining a firm grasp of your N.U.T.s," he writes, "will help you break through whatever fear you may have of your woman and her reactions."
Not much room here for partnership, if you like that sort of thing.
"The Star Guide to Guys," written by "professional astrologer" Elizabeth Perkins, is fun but light, suggesting that guys' moves can be perfectly predicted by where their moon sits. Advice includes: "Don't ever ask him, 'Honey, do these pants make me look fat?' " That could lead readers to wonder: Why do the authors limit this nugget to women dating Sagittarius men?
Some of the country's most popular authors, including Jane Smiley, Jacquelyn Mitchard, Ntozake Shange, Joyce Maynard and Audrey Niffenegger, contribute to "Mr. Wrong: Real-life Stories About the Men We Used to Love." Of note is Mitchard, who writes a bittersweet tale of a failed love affair between her younger self, devastated by widowhood in her 30s, and a twice-divorced former lover facing impotency that turns him cold in a way she cannot fully understand. It's a story of complexity and pain, of hopeful reaching out and, ultimately, letting go that leaves them both wounded and raw.
But Mr. Wrong? Not fair. Love, for women and men, is complicated. Pity the title couldn't be, too.
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