|
If you're reading this, either as a teenager or a twenty-something, the chances are that you have a television set nestling in the corner of your room. And come Friday night, more likely than not, you have watched Friends -- or one of the other sitcoms that consider you their target audience.
If so, there’s one thing you can’t have missed — the characters’ lives revolve around dating! Who they have dated; who they are currently dating; who they want to date; the dates that ended up in disaster and so forth.
At one level, of course, these programmes simply provide fictional entertainment for a Friday night. But at another and more profound level they are a barometer of contemporary culture.
What’s the message?
Their message is this — if you’re single then date as many members of the opposite sex, or indeed the same sex, as you possibly can until you find your perfect match. While dating, it’s fine to sleep with them and even live with them until the relationship either packs up or develops into a long-term partnership.
So here’s the challenge — how do we, as Christians, handle our culture’s prevailing view of dating? Do we tweak it a bit and come up with a Christianised version? Or do we address it using biblical principles and a deeper kind of wisdom?
I’m aware that the Bible gives no specific directions concerning this issue. Dating was just not practised in those days, nor is it today in many Eastern cultures. But we can, I think, bring biblical principles to bear on the matter.
Wired but not weird
Here’s the first principle — being single doesn’t make you a weirdo! At this point in your life, and perhaps for your whole life, God may have planned for you to be single. If you are not in a relationship it does not mean that you’re not wired up to life — that you have no meaning or significance. Quite the opposite — being single could be God’s best for you (1 Corinthians 7:25-40).
Peter was married but Paul was single. Jesus, the most complete human being who ever existed, was single — yet he accomplished the greatest mission the world has known!
Should Christians date?
Secondly, Christians don’t ‘date’ — if by dating we mean having a string of shallow relationships that give short-term kicks but no lasting happiness. Let’s be frank; raw sexual impulse is what motivates most contemporary dating. As a Christian you are still a sexual being but you have a radically different (and biblical) perspective on sex and sexuality.
Never assume that a relationship with a member of the opposite sex is anything more than a friendship when it first begins. However, it is more than likely that any future life-partner will emerge from an existing friendship, so let’s consider this.
Long-term Christian relationships have marriage as their ultimate goal. If things begin to move beyond mere friendship, at the back of your mind must be this question: ‘Could I see myself marrying this person?’
If the answer is no, then bail out — this isn’t the time for monkeying around. You’ll waste their time, you’ll waste your time and one of you will end up hurting.
But now comes another question: ‘Just what do I look for in a prospective husband or wife?’ While the world focuses on physical attraction, what kind of things should the Christian look for? Here are some pointers.
Committed to Christ
A Christian will not consider a non-Christian as a future husband or wife. Don’t take someone on as a discipleship project — seeking to win them to Christ. ‘Missionary dating’ simply does not exist. Without a shared relationship with Christ nothing good can ever happen (1 Corinthians 7:49).
You marry a person not a body! So look for a spiritual beauty that goes deeper than the skin. The physique with rippling muscles or curves in all the right places will, with the passing years, eventually succumb to the pull of gravity.
The one who attracts you may be beautiful, but can you actually have a conversation with them? Is there a genuine spiritual interest? Look for a beauty that doesn’t come from a bottle, but stems from a depth and radiance of character (1 Peter 3:1-6).
Seek someone who demonstrates consistency, integrity and a Christ-like humility. No one is perfect and we must make allowances for that, but character will show. So observe the person in different circumstances and situations — with their parents, with church leaders, in a traffic jam, when they’re running late, when there’s a big assignment due. You may see a side to their character that you never knew existed.
You will spend the rest of your life with the one you choose to marry, so see them in as many situations as possible before you make that choice.
Take advice
Again, don’t be too proud to take advice. Don’t ignore your parents and those who love you most. If being with this person means that your existing friends become marginalised — if the relationship is isolating you from Christ, his people, and your own family — then you’re on the wrong track.
Finally, undergird all of this with prayer. If you are single and want to be married, pray that God will give you patience and the ability to be useful in his service as you are. But also pray that in his own time he will lead you to the right person.
Be serious in your prayer, sensible in your conduct, biblical in your behaviour and seek wise counsel in your decisions. In this way you will end up with less heartache and an altogether more lasting foundation — fit for a lifetime relationship both in marriage and in Christ.
The author is a young man, but not a teenager; he is assistant pastor at Pontefract Evangelical Church.
| 
