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Even in this age of online dating, my husband and I met exactly the same way both sets of our parents did: on a blind date, introduced by friends. The old formula of friends setting up friends has worked for generations. Often, it doesn't take more than one thoughtful person.
At our October wedding, several guests wanted to meet our matchmaker, Phil Greenspan.
"I wasn't thinking much other than the fact that I know two nice, educated, Jewish people who might hit it off," he said. "I think that making a connection is a bit of luck. It's mostly timing."
Others who have successfully set up friends and relatives agree, although they say that there are some guidelines to make it work.
Vivian Genn - who has set up at least 40 dates for friends, relatives and friends' relatives - said that it is important to talk up front about what your friends are looking for "before just randomly setting them up."
Genn, 33, an occupational therapist, likes to network to add to her pool of available single friends. The matches have lasted anywhere from one date to several months. Two resulted in marriage, although Genn doesn't know if the first one really counts because she was a 15-year-old at summer camp who introduced her counselors.
She advises potential matchmakers to learn about each person's priorities for a possible mate.
Ask about expectations for appearance, age, education, and social and economical status, and try not to stray far from those expectations, she said. These conversations can save heartache in the long run.
Also, think about whether the person is rigid or flexible. Easygoing? Traditional? Sociable, or a loner? OK with a casual drink at a bar, or expecting a five-course meal?
Common interests are important, but not critical. "Just because two people like skiing, they may not like each other," Genn said.
Ask about morals and ethics, family, religion and traditions.
Most of all, the matchmaker must be honest with everyone, she warned.
"Trickery, even with good intent, will get you nowhere, fast," she said.
Victoria Piatigorsky, who works in the skin-care business in Los Angeles, suggested a blind date between a client, physician Rebecca Urwitz-Lane, and Hank Nelken, a screenwriter with whom Piatigorsky had been set up but didn't feel a connection.
"He told me he didn't want to date anyone in the entertainment business, and she said she didn't want to go out with doctors," Piatigorsky said.
The Nelkens, her only successful match of about 25 attempted, married last September in Santa Barbara.
Piatigorsky thinks that the key to matchmaking is numbers. She herself went on probably 200 blind dates in a year, and found one long-term match.
"You want to fix people up that you think would like the same things, have the same interests," she said, adding that they should also have the same level of physical attractiveness.
Mark Kupferberg, who successfully fixed up his cousin with his wife's law-school roommate (my husband's sister), said that timing is also important. Matches work best when both people are ready to meet the right person.
"They have to be in a stage in their lives where they can be flexible," he said. "The people who have the checklist and make sure everyone meets every item on the checklist is a recipe for going nowhere."
Matchmaking is one of 613 good deeds referred to in Jewish teaching, said Judy Friedman, whose introduction of my parents in Chicago led to their wedding in 1962. She later became a professional matchmaker, responsible for 200 marriages over 23 years.
"It is very common in the Jewish community to introduce people to each other for the purpose of marriage because doing so is considered a mitzvah, or good deed," she said.
My husband's parents met through common friends in Brooklyn, and three of their four children met their spouses on blind dates. My husband's cousin, Marc Spilker, also met his wife, Diane, through a friend.
"I'd been on a million blind dates," Diane Spilker said. "I hated blind dates because they were setups by my parents' friends, and you usually didn't have anything in common with that person. I think it's better if your friends do it because they know you a little bit better."
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