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You could hear the anxiety in the headlines: "Social Isolation Growing," "It's Lonely Out There" and "Turn to a Close Friend (If You Have Any)." The spate of stories followed the publication earlier this summer of "Social Isolation in America," a study showing that Americans do not have the number of close confidants they once did. Asked to name people with whom they had discussed important matters, Americans in 1985 listed three. By 2004, the number was down to two.
As the "confidant crisis" was about to become little more than a ghost of headlines past, fear was roused again by new pronouncements from the Census Bureau. Peek in the window of any household, we learned, and you are more likely to see just one person living there than a family of mom, dad, and the kids. In fact, for the first time in the history of the country, households that included a married couple (with or without children) slipped into the minority.
The news could not be dismissed out of hand by the argument that the supposedly unmarried households included couples who were unmarried in name only. Cohabiting couples, including both heterosexual and same-sex, make up only 5.4 percent of all households, far below the 27 percent of households where a person lives singly and the 9.8 percent of households with single parents.
The growing number of unmarried households and solo dwellers, together with the declining number of confidants, could be troubling. Suppose, for instance, that the average of two confidants that Americans reported were the result of married people naming about four confidants and singles close to none. Isn't that what we assume when we say that people who are single "don't have anyone"? And wouldn't those numbers also be consistent with our intuitive understanding of marriage as adding not just a spouse but links to friends and family of the spouse?
In fact, though, the number of confidants reported by married and single people was nearly identical -- married people named just 0.2 more confidants than did single people. When people marry, they may well add a spouse to their confidant list, but they also seem to demote someone else.
The emotional sustenance provided by confidants is not all that we humans seek from each other. Often, we just want companionship. There are also times when we look for a ride or a loan, information about job possibilities or recommendations for a decent dentist. Other goals could never be reached with the help of just two confidants. To effect neighborhood improvement or social change, for instance, we need far reaching connections. We need a community or a movement, not just a collection of individuals.
When Americans are asked to name not just the people with whom they discuss important matters, but also the people they see often and approach for help, it turns out that they have far more than just two important people in their lives. A Pew study, "The Strength of Internet Ties," found that Americans have a median of 35 people whom they consider to be more than just acquaintances. Solo dwelling Americans are not social isolates. They can sit at their computers and connect to people oceans away, or right next door. And, the Pew study showed that e-mail is not substituting for face time. People who e-mail more often have more in-person and phone contact with others, not less.
Compared to singles, married people claim to have more members in their social networks. Yet a study just published in the sociology journal Contexts shows that married people are less involved with many of the other people in their lives than are singles. Adults who have always been single are more likely to visit, contact, advise, and support their parents and siblings than are the currently or previously married. Singles are also more likely to socialize with, encourage, and help their friends and neighbors.
In our cultural imaginations, the most desolate American is the older person who is single. When Bridget Jones's British friends worried that she would "end up dying alone and found three weeks later half-eaten by an Alsatian," Americans knew just how they felt. Yet research has shown that older women who have always been single are especially unlikely to be lonely.
How can that be?
Ever-single women often maintain a diversified portfolio of relationships, including friends, relatives, colleagues, mentors and neighbors. They did not put their friendships on hold while they invested nearly all of their emotional stock into a spouse. Whether their residence is shared or solely their own, many lifelong single people who have the resources to do so are living their lives fully.
As for the notion that single people or solo dwellers are to be pitied -- now there's an idea that deserves to be fully devoured by a pack of dogs.
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