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This is the question many single women ask themselves today, especially from a morality point of view.
It is not interesting to be labelled a husband snatcher or a desperate woman incapable of finding a single man. But more women have become disillusioned with single men, whom they have branded players, immature, heart-breakers, users and penniless.
At the same time, there are women who subscribe to the saying that food served on another person’s plate tastes better. They have the unshaken belief that all the good men are taken, so they can only have affairs with such men.
Yet others do it to spite their fellow women — to show them that they should not get too comfortable just because they are married.
Many women have chosen to live with the guilt of being mistresses. What with the perceived material benefits of dating a married man?
Only self-discipline, true love and perhaps religious conviction, make some men remain faithful to their spouses.
Contrary to the earlier belief that mistresses are bimbos who are not highly educated, today’s mistress cuts across all social classes. Those who want the sophisticated hitched man have to match these standards and are university graduates or in high flying careers.
Some women love their freedom and want a married man who will give them a good time without constraining their space.
Minting money
But it is also worth noting that there are many married men who pursue single women with equal zeal for ‘recreation’ companionship and sex, which they claim lack at home.
So why has the married man become such a gem?
Janet Wanja* 32, says she has dated a single man only once in her life, after high school.
"The relationship lasted a year before we broke up. At 22, I moved to Nairobi and found a job as a receptionist," she narrates.
A married man who was a manager with the firm befriended her and soon they started seeing each other.
"I was new in town and was living with an aunt. Six months into the relationship, my lover rented me a house and furnished it," she says.
Janet says marriage then was not a priority for her and the material benefits overrode other factors.
"I was earning a laughable pay and here was somebody paying my rent, buying me expensive clothes and taking me out on weekends for sexual escapades."
She says they were discreet until three years later when a jealous colleague found out and informed the man’s wife.
"She confronted me at work and we had a fight. After that I was fired and never saw my lover again — just like that," she says.
Janet got another job in Nakuru, but apparently, she had not had enough of married men. Soon, she acquired another one who also provided for her materially. But she ended the affair when the man infected her with a sexually transmitted disease. She was not alone for long and another married admirer, a businessman, came her way. Janet went a step further by bearing him a child.
"He was the most loving man in the world but sadly, we broke up two years ago," she says.
The man had cautioned Janet against getting pregnant but her biological clock was ticking. At 30, she felt ready to be a mother and threw away her contraceptives.
"I am the marriage type (!)" she quips.
But the man gave her the boot after she broke news of her pregnancy.
"I was devastated because I loved him. He was my ideal man: gentle, understanding and generous," she says wistfully.
Now a single mother of a two-year-old girl, Janet still believes married men make the best lovers, and she would never give a single guy a second glance.
Janet’s case is common among many women, who start flings with married men but end up in long-term relationships with them.
Relationship experts say single men could be interested in a young woman but withdraw after discovering that she is in involved with a married man. Single men also shy away from such women because they feel financially inadequate to sustain their lifestyle.
Unbridled passion
*Catherine Nafula vowed to do away with bachelors after her former boyfriend cheated on her.
"I loved Jemo deeply and thought he felt the same. But I went to his house unannounced one day and found him in bed with another woman," she says.
"I cried for weeks. I could not believe he could do this to me, not after we had discussed marriage plans. I had no other man but I later learnt that Jemo had a string of girlfriends."
Nafula started dating married men, thinking they were less controversial.
But she admits they are not saints either and ‘cheat’ on their mistresses. Nafula, a nurse, has a six-year-old son fathered by a doctor, who never even came to see him when he was born.
She is seeing another man who keeps running after her girlfriends.
She also admits that not all married men are generous or rich enough to rent their mistresses decent houses.
"They struggle to get money like everybody else. Some even borrow money from you!"
*Mary Anyango, on the other hand, is a single mother of two children, sired by different married men.
She is currently seeing the father of her second child.
And she is full of praises for the attached man.
"He is not demanding; he stays with you for sometime and then runs home to his wife. You rarely see him over the weekends but at times, he sneaks from the matrimonial home and gives you unbridled passion," she says.
Mary says married men know how to treat a woman and are skilled lovers.
But Anne’s story is one of "never-again".
Burned with acid
She had an affair with a married man for five years before his wife found out.
"The woman warned me through numerous phone calls to leave her husband alone failing which she would disfigure my face.
"When I informed her husband, he told me to ignore the threats. But I wish I hadn’t. One day while I was leaving the supermarket, two street children splashed my face with acid before escaping," she says.
Good Samaritans took Anne to hospital and luckily, she had not suffered permanent disfigurement. However, she still bears scars to remind her of the scary incident.
Cecilia Muthami, a counsellor based at the Kenya Institute of Professional Counselling in Nakuru, says dating a married man may appear thrilling but it comes with social and psychological consequences.
"The woman suffers negative emotions like guilt because of sleeping with someone else’s husband and father," says Muthami.
She also has to contend with being the "other woman" who has to take the second place to the man’s family.
"Many men are not ready to leave their wives for their mistresses. So they see the latter only when they can sneak from home without arousing suspicion. Weekends, public holidays and crucial days like Valentine’s and Christmas are spent with the wife and family," says Muthami.
The mistress remains a dark secret, which may leave her feeling empty and used.
"It pains when he cannot drop you at your doorstep and you have to alight at the junction to avoid being seen together," says Esther Mweru, who ended an affair with a hitched man.
"The man does not greet you or smile when you meet him in public with his wife, and you can hardly believe he is the same one who comes to your bed at night," she says.
This explains the intense jealousy mistresses have towards their lovers’ wives.
Quite possessive
Despite not giving their mistress quality time, married men are possessive and expect her to be at their beck and call.
"The mistress feels caged since she has to account for her movements and be at home whenever the man demands. The man treats her like his personal property because he detests competition," says Muthami.
The expert adds that women believe married men are not promiscuous and cannot expose them to HIV/Aids, but some have a string of girlfriends not to mention the numerous flings they engage in.
The mistress becomes materially dependent on the man and she does everything to please him for fear that the support might be withdrawn, says Muthami.
Such dependency robs her of a chance to expand her creative faculties and generate a stable income.
Some affairs can build into relationships lasting years and they eventually become known to the man’s family.
If anything happens to the man, his wife or children, the mistress takes the blame. Some mistresses have even been accused of witchcraft.
A mistress may be isolated socially and is shunned by other women for fear that she will snatch their husbands too.
No added value
If a woman who has once been a mistress gets married, she might never trust her husband. She will always imagine that he is doing what she was doing with a married man. In addition, the harsh reality that marriage is not just about receiving material gifts might be hard to swallow.
Most mistresses end up being single mothers, says Muthami.
"They are held up in long-term relationships with married men, which wastes their time. By the time they want to get married, it is too late and all their former suitors have settled down," she says.
Some stay in the relationship hoping the man will leave his wife only to realise it will never happen.
"Some mistresses end up with any man when they realise their youth is fading. Some become second wives," says Muthami.
Experts advise women to first strive for financial independence before deciding whether to date a married man or not.
"If you have a comfortable income, you will see the married man with clearer eyes. You will determine whether you really love him and if he is adding any value to your life. After all, you do not need his money," says Beth Gatu, a relationship expert.
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