|
It's not you, it's me.
Chances are you've either said it or been on the receiving end of this lame breakup line. It ranks right up there with "I need to find myself," in terms of clarity and honesty.
But prepare yourself: We've officially hit Breakup Season, according to Yahoo! Personals.
The dating service surveyed more than 2,500 of its users and found that people are more than twice as likely to think about breaking up now than at any other time of the year. The prime period seems to be between Christmas and Valentine's Day -- when you have hung in long enough to have a date to your company's holiday party and someone to kiss on New Year's Eve, but you're not willing to spend another penny on the most romantic day of the year.
Although breaking up is regularly a topic of books, talk shows and movies, there still seems to be no right way to end a relationship. Yet, Laurie A. Helgoe thinks people are less intimidated these days by breaking up. Maybe it's because they've read her book, The Pocket Idiot's Guide to Breaking Up, cover to cover.
"I see people getting tougher and more willing to pass on a relationship," says Helgoe, a West Virginia author, consultant and psychologist.
She attributes some of this to online dating, in which users have been given more practice on the art of breaking up.
"People have had a chance to experiment with what works and what doesn't," she says.
The bitter end
The brokenhearted certainly know what doesn't work -- the e-mails, voicemails, yelling matches and maybe the worst method: when your supposed love one just disappears.
"The lame breakup is over the phone," says Arleen Zayas of Orlando. "It happened to me. What a wimp."
For Ginelly Pacheco, 20, it was when her boyfriend surfaced with another girl, never officially ending it with Pacheco, and going about his business.
"I would rather have that person confront me and tell me in person," Zayas says. "At least you'd know what kind of person he is."
Friends Robert Krumwiede, 21, and Aaron Round, 20, see it the other way.
"Impersonal breakups are the best way to go," Round says.
Krumwiede says he would even resort to breaking up through a text message.
"I'd rather do that than be in an uncomfortable situation," he says.
But, hey, Krumwiede's last relationship ended in a screaming match and his former love threw a cue ball at his car window. "We'd broken up about 30 times," he says.
Other people, such as 106.7 FM's Johnny Magic, can look back at past loves and laugh. At 8 years old, he had fallen hard for the girl across the street. Problem was, he wasn't allowed to cross the road by himself. So their long-distance relationship was based on tossing a tennis ball to each other.
On Christmas he gave her a diamond ring that cost $1.45.
"Well, a month later she broke up with me for my older brother because he could cross the street by himself and I couldn't," he says. "I remember crying and not talking to my brother for a day; then I was over it. We still laugh about it to this day."
When it's over
- Monday is the best day to call it quits, with Sunday coming in second.
- Sending a breakup e-mail to someone's work account is the worst way to cut loose.
- The top two reasons for breaking up are no shared view for the future and feeling unfulfilled.
Wendy Bolton Floyd and Judy Bolton, authors of the upcoming book When Did You Know . . . He Was Not the One?, say there are a couple of things you can do to stave off a breakup: Don't string along someone if you're not interested, and don't behave so badly that the other person breaks up with you first.
But if it's inevitable, the dumpee should be left so that they still have their dignity, say the sisters, who are official spokeswomen for Yahoo! Personals' Breakup Season. (See the breakup survival guide at http://personals.yahoo.com/static/ singles-life-breakup-guide.) On Tuesday, they taped a segment on the Rachael Ray show .
Do the deed in a public place, such as on a park bench, but not in a restaurant, they say. And do it in person.
"Breaking up is the one time you need to talk, to communicate," says Bolton Floyd. "You cannot rely on an electronic apparatus for this."
Adds Bolton: "Speak directly from the heart. People want someone who is genuine."
Keep it short, and don't be dramatic, they say.
"Also," Bolton says, "don't try to put the blame on one person."
And what should go without saying: "Don't do it in bed," Bolton Floyd says.
Helgoe's book offers guidelines to making a breakup as painless as possible. Use "I" statements, be truthful and be nice -- but not too nice.
"This is a breakup after all," she writes. "You can acknowledge the ex's feelings, but it's not your job to put him back together. That's what moms and shrinks are for."
It all goes back to the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you, Helgoe says of breaking up.
"You're going to be the enemy for a while, no matter how nice you do it, and you have to accept that," she says.
|
