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Newswise — As Valentine’s Day approaches, couples everywhere seek answers to the age-old mysteries of love.
While social therapy counselor James Piers doesn’t claim to have all those answers, this professor of sociology and social work at Hope College in Holland , Mich. , can at least shed some light on mate selection theory. He can help couples decide what theories are fact or fiction.
1. There’s a marriage made in heaven, with each person having one ideal partner on earth.
“This is not supported by research,” says Piers.
2. People will marry someone just like mom or dad.
“Research indicates the parental image theory may be a factor in mate selection,” says Piers.
3. Opposites attract.
“How often do we look at a couple with dissimilar traits, abilities, and interests and wonder how they ever got together? Though we often hear about this ‘complementary needs’ theory, there is little empirical support for it.”
4. Likes attract.
“People with similar values often appeal to each other,” says Piers. “We like to be supported.”
5. You don’t get something for nothing.
“This ‘social exchange’ theory suggests that mate selection is really barter at a subconscious level,” says Piers. “I’ll share my social status, physical attributes, and business acumen with you if you commit your attention to me and share your personality attributes and professional status.”
6. You get what you expect.
“This suggests that we look for a partner who fits our expectations of how life-roles should be performed.”
7. Modern technology can help you find your “perfect” mate.
“The interesting thing that the computer has allowed to do through dating services is articulate our best traits – if we’re being honest. It has allowed you to refine the search a little bit,” says Piers. “We probably learn more about each other from that system, then some others. My caution, of course, is that most of us tend to lie.”
If a couple believes it has found “true love,” it should look at role expectations before marriage, says Piers.
“The theories are useful in discovering how you think you fell in love with the other person,” Piers says. “By defining how you interpret love, you may better understand why you feel as if you’re falling out of it.”
Some theories lend themselves to problem-solving, as well. “The social exchange theory is my favorite because it’s so useful in marriage counseling. The partner who isn’t getting needs met will learn to say, ‘This is what I want, and this is what I’m willing to give you for it.’”
“Some clients think this is terribly unromantic,” Piers says. “I tell them to try it. It may feel good to compliment your spouse. You just might get compliments back.”
“And who knows. Maybe some romance, too."
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