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The ball drops. It’s officially a new year. Everywhere you look, people are kissing and cheering. You hug friends, grab a few cheek pecks and suck down a couple of mighty swigs of your cocktail. Patronizing friends pat your back and whisper that it’s ok to be single on the Big Night and not to worry, because love is just around the corner. Instead of blackening their eyes, you smile and remind them that you rather enjoy the single life. Then the resolve sets in as you say under your breath—by gods, I will not be single again on New Year’s Eve.
Enter Internet dating. Yes, you swore you’d never do it…again. But you’re not going to make the same mistakes as before. Eharmony? Yahoo! Personals?Meeting without first seeing a picture? Fuck that. You’re not some average doofus. You’re special. Smart, even. You know exactly the kind of person you want to compliment your full, rich, fabulous life. Thankfully, there are several niche sites to help you find the perfect partner. Come December 31, you’ll be sticking your tongue in some hottie’s mouth and getting a guaranteed piece of ass. Oh yeah, and love and companionship too.
A Double With Everything
Nerve.com: Nerve is part of what I like to call The Good On Paper Network. The Onion, BUST, Salon and Nerve are all part of a network of cool sites with cool peeps who are generally more interested in talking about art and politics than the latest bare cooch displayed by our most loathed skank du jour. Folks on these sites seem to have it all—brains, beauty and humor all wrapped in well-crafted, witty profiles.
Nerve is particularly prominent in LaLa Land, where the entertainment industry rules. Profiles are filled with headshots of gorgeous people who are never quite as beautiful in real life but legions above the scary rednecks you’ll find on sites like Match.com. Friends who have ventured out on dates with Nerve folks always have wonderful things to say about the people they’ve met. They’re funny, nice and interesting. They look great on paper. Unfortunately, there’s rarely any spark.
While on a second date with a Nerve Good On Paper Guy, my friend Molly (not her real name) could sense that the man sitting across from her was far more interested in her than he should be. She had but one recourse: tell him the shit story. Surely the tale of her flooding a restaurant toilet to the point where she was standing in a couple of inches of feces-filled water, panicking as it seeped out the door into the restaurant would cause him to run screaming. Instead, he became more enthralled, enchanted by her hilarious story telling skills. She made a mental note to save the poop stories for the guys she was really interested in dating.
Despite the groovy status of Nerve and similar sites, don’t make the mistake I did in assuming that everyone who posts a profile is liberal and socially aware. During one particularly painful date, I sat in horror as my four-inches-shorter-than-he-claimed guy (expect any man you meet from the internet to be two to four inches shorter than stated on his profile) explained how “those people” (blacks) need extra policing in “their neighborhoods,” because “they’re just violent communities.” When I protested, he looked at me as if I were insane, asserting his racism as fact. Apparently, Nerve is so cool that even the Klan wants to be a part of it.
Fat Burger
Curydates.com: Curvy Dates has dozens of names. You may know it as BBWtimesdating.com, BBWdatefinder.com, hell, just put BBW and anything else dot com and you’ll probably be redirected to the site. This site was developed originally for singles in California but now has profiles from all over the world. For those who have been living under a rock, BBW is an acronym that stands for big, beautiful woman. Are all the women on it beautiful? No. Are they all big? No. But in a world where a multi-billion dollar diet industry is still trying to convince us that there is only one type of acceptable female body, the illusive prize of beautiful has been claimed for those with more cushion for the pushin' through the use of three little letters.
Since California is the home of this site, there is a little confusion over what constitutes big. I have seen profiles from men expounding on the beauty of soft gals, requesting women who wear a size 6 to 10. These boys have yet to figure out that plus-sizes begin at 14 and the average woman in America wears a size 14 to 16. But we have to cut them some slack. In the land of botox and Fake-Tit LA, who can understand what average is?
Women looking for love on this site will have to fight some severe stereotypes that even lovers of ample ass can’t seem to shake. The delusion that fat women are easy or will date someone totally horrifying (because we’re desperate, ya see) reigns. For the brave big girls who venture down this path, be prepared.
For the most part, the men and boys on Curvy Dates are kind-hearted, blue collar types. There is a small spattering of intellectuals with a handful of gay men who just can’t let the dream of heterosexuality die. So basically, my big sisters, you’ll find the same guys on this site who hit on you at the gas station or while you’re walking the dogs. At least with this site, you have the pleasure of shopping a bit first.
Meat and Cheese Only, Please
MilitarySingles.com: Military men and women are taught special sexual skills during boot camp. Now, I’ve never seen evidence of this nor will they admit to such secret training. But I’m telling you, something is going on that they’re just not telling the rest of us. I have mind-blowing orgasms as proof. However, I will fully admit that I could be completely wrong and am creating a stereotype that will only lead many an excited Internet dater down a disappointing path.
The men and women on this and other military-friendly sites are as diverse as the military itself. You’ll find pro-war hooligans, intellectuals, shy folks, closeted comedians and everything else under the sun. Most importantly, you’ll find people who are possibly going to be shipped out the next day, which might put a crimp in your dating schedule.
My favorite experience with a gent from Military Singles occurred over instant messenger. He invited me to view his webcam, which I thought was a good sign that he had nothing to hide. Turns out I was right. He had very little to hide. So little, in fact, that I found myself watching him jerk off the moment I clicked the link.
Kosher Pickles
J.Date.com: JDate is the primary Internet dating site for Jewish singles. Did you get that? JEWISH. Don’t bring your Gentile ass onto this site, hoping for some Hebrew National. A friend of mine who converted to Judaism found herself constantly fielding the “but you don’t look Jewish” conversation. Just make it easy on yourself. If your mother isn’t Jewish, go to Nerve.com or some other hipster friendly site. Seriously. I’m just looking out for your well being here.
A Side of Joseph Smith
LDSsingles.com: So, you tried JDate to no avail, despite my warnings about the necessity of being Jewish. I have the next best thing for you—Jews in the New World, also known as Mormons. No coffee, no booze, no premarital sex and three hours of church each Sunday. What more could you ask for? Better yet, Mormon men are generally terrified of women, so most of your dates will be in large groups as if you were still in junior high. But don’t think you’re going to be safe from horny morons in the land of Mormon. While venturing in Joseph Smith’s tribe, I received more emails about my boobs than I care to recall. Just goes to show you, teaching abstinence is completely absurd.
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