So another wedding invitation came in the mail today. You also got a flier from a health care club; it's a two-join-for-the-price-of-one offer. Your employee benefits package came in the mail, too, along with some form you have to fill out and return. It asks for your spouse's name.
But what if you don't have a spouse? What if you're single and loving it? You might be a victim of singlism, according to Bella DePaulo. In her new book, "Singled Out," you'll read some eye-opening research on being One in a society that seems to idolize Two.
Look around. From magazines to TV shows, from coupons to cruises, from death-do-you-part to death, being half of a couple is seen as something to which we should all aspire. Single people are pitied, DePaulo claims. They're stereotyped and they battle a whole stack of myths. Worse, they're discriminated against, and that hits them right in the wallet.
Starting with the mythology, DePaulo debunks old, staid thoughts about singledom. For instance, even when we're children, single people (including the divorced, widowed, and never married) are singled out. Remember that card game where you matched the pairs of cards until the loser had the "Old Maid"? Was Snow White's wicked Queen hitched? Was miserly Midas married?
News reports darkly propheize that single women who are "married to their jobs" have a dwindling chance of being white-taffeta-clad at the altar. Magazines bleat ominously about "dried-up eggs" and childless go-getters destined to remain childless.
Women aren't the only targets. Think about the stereotypes that come to mind when you imagine a life-long bachelor.
Ongoing social viewpoints are equally bleak: if you don't marry or have a family, you'll die alone. If you have a family but you're not married, your kids will suffer. You are selfish and self-indulgent. You have no life. You have no one. You "need" to fix whatever's wrong with you and get married.
But what can you believe: "The Batchelor" or the book?
As someone who's been single on and off all my adult life, I was very interested in what author Bella DePaulo had to say. I've never had the misfortune to endure the kind of discrimination that DePaulo cites -- but then, I've never paid attention.
Until now.
Using transcripts of news programs, government statistics, other books, and case studies, DePaulo writes with humor, sarcasm, and more than a little anger. It's not hard to see why. "Singled Out" is filled with examples and anecdotes that will make you sneer for various reasons, whether you're married or single. This book will, in fact, stir up lots of people: singles who are tired of hearing about "family values"; married people who very much enjoy their couple-perks; and -- surprisingly -- people of many races who might take offense at DePaulo's comparison of singlism to racism.
If you're single and have proudly taken the "A-L" out of "alone," then be sure to read this provocative book. "Singled Out" may be the single most important book you buy this year.
"Singled Out" by Bella DePaulo, St. Martin's Press, $24.95, 325 pages, includes notes.
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