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QI'm a married (but separated seven months) and a mother of two young girls. My husband and I were married for 18 months, this time. Previously, we were married for three years and divorced after he cheated. This second attempt was going well until I got a call from his girlfriend. I felt emotionally burnt and hurt. I couldn't trust him or look at him.
While living on my own again with the girls, I met a great guy several months ago and fell in lust. We started dating. He knows my current martial status, but still wants to move full steam ahead and says he'd like to marry me.
I put the brakes on the relationship, because I still love my husband. Now, my husband wants us to bring resolution to our relationship. I told him about the boyfriend and he was very understanding.
Do I end my current relationship and focus on rebuilding my marriage (at the risk that he may cheat again) or do I move forward with the boyfriend?
Married But Dating
ATell both men to cool their engines. The boyfriend: Full steam ahead can't happen until you either no longer love your husband, or are certain about not being able to continue being married to him, no matter your feelings. The husband: He needs to first resolve why he repeatedly cheats, before you two can re-build your marriage. He must get counselling and help himself, and then bring you into the picture to understand why it happened in the past, and how to trust it won't occur in the future. You: a mother of two young girls can't afford the emotional swings of living a soap opera life. Focus on maintaining a stable life for your family that doesn't depend on either of these two guys. Warning: The boyfriend may lose steam once you're divorced and there's no drama compelling him. The husband may not change. You need to time to sharpen your judgment on these two, or any other suitors.
QMy wife and I have been married for a year and half. She has three children from her previous marriage whom I love. Our problems began when I told her I needed a space in our home to myself, where the kids didn't interfere with my stuff. She flipped out angrily; she refuses to understand my need for this. Before we married I'd lived alone for five years and enjoyed having my own space. We have a three-level home in Chicago and I've told her that it's all hers except my space. She's threatened to leave me because of this Ellie, am I being totally unreasonable here?
Overruled
ANo, you`re not unreasonable ... IF, in the rest of the house, you are not unreasonable. I'm talking about being fully accepting of children's needs for play space, an area to keep their toys, and a normal amount of "mess" from their activities (which they help tidy up according to their ages). If so, your request isn't unusual – especially in a spacious home – so long as you're not mean or heavy-handed in your manner of keeping the children out. Frankly, it's so common today that one parent has a home office that children can't use for play, that your wife's objections seem over the top, or reflect a deeper problem. You two need to discuss whether you've both fully integrated your previous lives – yours as a single and hers as a family.
QAn out-of-town friend I hadn't seen for 30 years asked me to send her great-grandson a birthday gift. We only exchange Christmas and birthday cards, but not gifts. Several years ago, for her 50th wedding anniversary to which I wasn't invited, I sent a gold mantel clock. What's the etiquette for great-grandchildren? She's never asked for gifts for any of her grandchildren. In the old days, great-grandparents had gone to their reward.
Unsure
ALet's celebrate that people ARE living longer and it's so fortunate when children have the love, interest and guidance of relatives two generations beyond their own parents. But when it comes to requests for gifts from unrelated people who don't even know the children, there is NO etiquette; it's just cheeky. Perhaps your anniversary gift led your friend to believe you're a generous spender. Unless you wish to maintain this belief (or she explains her request), send a card.
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