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Those who rely solely on their feelings to select Mr. or Ms. Right will probably wind up in trouble. Why? Other factors besides feelings will determine if you can stay in love.
While none of us should marry someone we don't love, none of us can wind up fully happy with a partner that isn't a good match.
All married people can attest to these facts:
Nine times out of ten you do marry the family. That is, your in-laws will play a major role in how you relate to your spouse.
Money and social status do count. If you marry above or below your social norm, so to speak, there will be stress.
Life is better if your spouse is your best friend. Marrying someone you can't relate to as a good friend is going to be a lonely marriage.
It's easier if you share common values. For example, if your spouse likes lots of socializing, and you don't, it will take lots of negotiation to avoid conflict.
If you're young and looking for a mate, it might seem unromantic to think about why you should use a screening process. This goes against feelings and spontaneity.
But, if you don't "play the movie" to see where you really want to go in life, you will wind up starring in your own bad movie.
If you're divorced and looking for a mate, you might see a logical screening process as too risky. After all, if you're too picky you might think this will cut your chances of finding someone.
"I did decide to give up looking for a movie star type," laughs a woman we'll call Rosie. "At 48, I still had visions of marrying the perfect man loaded with money."
Rosie wound up marrying a delightful fourth-grade teacher who also owns an art studio in their small town.
"My husband comes from the same background I do, which is middle class, and we fit just fine," says Rosie. "Things are comfortable when our families get together. This means a lot."
If Rosie had married a movie star type, she would have felt the stress right away. For one thing, Rosie wouldn't want to stray far from her small farm in Southwest Virginia.
"Fantasy and reality are two different things," she laughs. "A marriage has to feel right from day to day. It can't be a trip to Disney World one day and remain on that perpetual high. Sooner or later, you must come back down to earth."
If you're presently in a strained marriage, there are ways to cope if you know you didn't choose wisely. Plenty of us do not fit perfectly with our mates. Our in-laws are weird, or our values clash at times with our mates' values.
These tips can help you stay on track:
_Make a list of your mate's best qualities. Focus on what's right. If you focus on what's wrong, you'll want to correct those things constantly. This causes tension.
_Ask for what you need. Speak up loudly and help your mate meet your needs. Don't ask for the moon. Ask for small, do-able things. This helps your mate feel successful as your mate.
_Open communication that flows well. Don't discuss the relationship all day long. This will intensify stress. Instead, talk about upbeat, neutral subjects such as gardening or reading. No relationship is healthy if the coversation isn't healthy.
"All of us have to stop believing the grass is always greener on the other side," says a psychologist friend of ours we'll call Lyle. "My wife and I could fight all of the time! She's a whiner and complainer, and that's a struggle for me," says Lyle.
Lyle emphasizes that perfect mates don't exist. But, selecting someone who comes from the same basic background as you will help the conversation, he contends.
"When you do talk things out, it helps if your mate can share your values, sense of family obligations, and outlook on money, for example," he explains. "If you marry a spoiled rich kid, for instance, you'll never talk your values into that person's head. It won't happen."
Thinking ahead about the lifelong "movie" that will unfold in your marriage is helpful. If you can imagine how your potential partner would address daily problems or share the load during a crisis, this will give you clues about accepting a marriage proposal or proposing marriage yourself.
Life will throw a lot of stress at any marriage. It can sometimes seem like your marriage is bearing the weight of the world, including births, deaths, money struggles, family illnesses and much more.
But, it should serve as a way to create joy as well.
When you're madly in love, it seems the joy will stay in place forever. But, if the person you are dating doesn't hold up well under stress now, you will be managing most of those problems alone down the line.
Your main questions should be: Am I marrying my best friend? Or, will I end up carrying too much weight when the going gets rough?
Looking at that person's family background, communication skills, and level of dedication to friends, family members, and parents will help. Also, listening to what your potential mate values will help as well.
"My husband told me he wanted to live in foreign countries when we dated," says a friend of ours we'll call Sherri. "I should have listened. He now teaches at a university in France, and I live in Florida with our daughter. Our marriage has been full of stress, although parts have been good.
"If I could roll back the clock," says Sherri, "I'd use my head in making my marriage decision. It's hard to love someone I see a few times a year. But, I don't want to live in France. Sooner or later, we'll come to a crisis point. I'll probably wind up divorcing my husband, although I admire him. He's a great person, but our marriage doesn't work."
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