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Some words have fairly simple definitions, such as "pomegranate," "widowed," or "evil-doers."
But, when it comes to the world of dating, the term "separated" is far more complex, especially as interpreted differently by men and women.
At the dating service I ran for 23 years, I heard a variety of uses for the word.
It was not uncommon for a man to call inquiring about joining, stating that he was "separated" from his wife. His definition of the term, though, was that for the past three weeks, he and his wife of 15 years now slept in separate bedrooms down the hall from one another.
When I told such a man that I didn't think it would be fair to all concerned for him to join, he would argumentatively ask "why not?" (Actually we had a firm policy of not letting anyone join our service if he or she still lived in the same residence as his or her spouse.)
At the other extreme were women who refused to meet a man who had moved out of his marital house five years before, had filed for divorce, had appeared before a judge, and whose divorce was going to be legally recognized in a few days. Some women would indignantly exclaim, "How dare you try and match me with a married man!"
(It should be noted that in many states, once a judge issues a divorce decree, there is a 90-day "waiting period" until the divorce is legally finalized.)
These extremes demonstrate how most men and women interpret the word "separated" differently. That interpretation reflects another double standard that exists between the sexes. Unlike other double standards that I have mentioned in previous columns, this one, in essence, increases a woman's "marketability" in the dating world. (I can almost hear some female readers exclaiming "Well, it's about time!")
You see, women essentially do not trust men. And the fact is, that any separated man whose divorce has not been legally finalized, finds himself far less "marketable" in the dating world than a man who is legally divorced.
How less marketable depends upon two primary factors: how long he has been separated, and whether he and his wife have already filed for divorce. For example, any man who is separated fewer than six months, and who has not yet filed, is virtually unmatchable. By unmatchable, I mean that most women will refuse to meet such a man, no matter how tall, attractive, educated, wealthy, etc., he might be.
Actually one year seems to be the benchmark many women use (perhaps subconsciously) to determine their willingness to meet a man, again as long as he and his wife have already filed for the divorce.
And, as I said previously, some women refuse to meet a man no matter how long he is separated, until the divorce is 100 percent final. What further complicates the situation for separated men is the recent downturn in the real estate market.
Many men (and women) told me that the only thing delaying their divorce was that they were waiting for their house to sell and, in the current market, that could take upwards of a year or more!
What about separated women? Well, most men couldn't care less whether a woman is separated or divorced. Unless only a few weeks have passed, a woman's marketability to men matters very little in terms of whether the divorce has been filed or when she and her husband originally separated.
Naturally, most separated women are unaware of the way men view this subject. I spoke with many women who would sheepishly inquire if any man would want to meet them because their divorce was not finalized. When I responded that it made no difference to most men, the women often were surprised.
"I would have contacted your dating service months ago, but I figured no man would be interested in meeting me until my divorce was final," exclaimed more than one woman.
As with many other areas that I write about in these columns, men tend to only look at things from a man's point of view and women from a woman's point of view. So, if you are a separated woman who is thinking of posting an ad on the Internet or joining a dating service, go right ahead. But if you are a separated man, be aware that many women will not trust you and will decline to meet you, until your divorce is final.
At a workshop for singles that I taught last year, I mentioned this double standard. I had given the class a "homework" assignment to write a personal ad, keeping in mind what I had tried to communicate during the three-week workshop.
One man, who was separated only a few months, read me his ad, which started "Divorced man, 41"¦" I interrupted him, saying "I thought you told me you were separated." He responded in a very matter-of-fact way, "Well, you said that women would not trust me and respond to my ad if I said I was separated, so I figured I would just lie and say I was divorced."
I just shook my head.
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