|
IF LOVE actually is all around, why is it still so hard to connect in an interconnected world?
The paradox haunts Trina Tan.
She wrote to The New Paper on Sunday: 'I have tried online dating sites, Internet forums, speed dating, attending social events, and of course, met potential guys from the workplace. So far nothing has worked out.'
With hope sinking, an idea was born: Why not an arranged marriage, through The New Paper on Sunday?
Why not, we say.
The hand of destiny might well place this story before the man who is meant for Trina.
This is her story.
Know her, love her.
SHE bubbles in person.
Trina Tan has a vivacious personality which fully engages you at the first meeting.
It brought to mind legendary pianist Ahmad Jamal's comment on livewire jazz sensation Hiromi Uehara, 26: 'She's a special spirit.'
Trina, a single with a masters degree in commerce from the University of South Australia, had read Sexless In The City columnist Simone Heng's article on 2 Dec, about snagging a husband.
It brought into focus her own yearning.
She is looking for a life partner.
Not a knockout boyfriend, but a good husband.
The one she will go through life with.
Said Trina: 'I am 32 and still single despite my endless attempts at finding a suitable partner...
'Now, I'm seriously thinking of finding how I can have an arranged marriage (like in the old days).'
When this reporter met up with Trina a week ago, she was greeted by a humble and eloquent woman and one wonders why she would have trouble getting hitched.
Trina has dated more than 10 men in the past decade but nothing has ever come of the encounters.
Her shortest relationship lasted one month and the longest was 18 months.
Trina's last relationship, with an Italian man whom she met after chatting with him via the Internet, ended two months ago when she found out he had been unfaithful.
Not surprisingly, she is now tired of dating.
'If I carry on this dating game, there will probably be no marriage.
'I find it a waste of time to keep dating and getting to know more guys.
'Perhaps the guys' expectations and mine do not converge,' said Trina.
She has joined social activities organised by the Social Development Unit, churches and Internet speed-dating websites.
But of those activities, Trina said: 'There are always many who turn up and very often one or two people, usually the leaders in the group, shine. The rest just exchange telephone numbers.
'I never got any private dates from any of those guys. So I stopped joining group activities.
'If I am interested in a guy and if he feels the same way, I don't see why we can't just skip all the dating steps,' she said.
'My married friends told me that their husbands changed after marriage.
'These couples have dated for some years and yet they didn't know what to expect after marriage.
'Hence, I see no point in prolonged dating.'
Her relatives think she has not found the right person in Singapore because of her 'Westernised' lifestyle.
But Trina disagrees.
'My relatives told me to desire Singapore food and marry a Chinese.'
Trina likes a range of food - Japanese bentos, Italian pasta, North Indian cuisine, char kway teow and chicken rice.
'I don't just fancy Caucasians although I do find that we have more in common,' she said.
Trina said she has dated Britons, Australians, Indians, Americans and Europeans.
She is most attracted to South Europeans, Latinos, Filipinos and Singaporeans with mixed parentage, like local actor Keagan Kang.
But she is quick to add that she is no sarong party girl.
'I do prefer men who are more Westernised. At the same time, conservative in certain ways.
'I don't seek quick flings,' said Trina.
HER TASTES
She loves cars, bears, foreign films, biographies and romance novels, and enjoys spending long hours browsing through the books at Borders.
Her iPod shuffle is loaded with rock ballads from the '80s and '90s. I Live My Life For You by Firehouse is on her favourite playlist.
Music aside, another interest is animal welfare. She feels a strong sense of outrage whenever she reads about pets from temperate zones suffering in our hot climate.
The down-to-earth woman prefers casual attire and simple dresses.
Asked for her opinion on today's lifestyles, she said: 'It's a materialistic world.
'Young people are buying condos and cars when they can barely afford them. It seems important to them to show up at events in their nice cars.
'Some of them sacrifice their family life to keep up with their lifestyles. Is it really worth that sacrifice so you can rise to the top?
'These people enjoy their material possessions, but not me.'
'I want to settle down soon'
WHAT Trina wants most in life is to be a good housewife and bear children for her future husband.
'I'm a family-oriented person. In our society, it's about chasing career and getting the 5Cs. I don't get the same kind of fulfillment from that.
'You may enjoy material things that money can buy but, at the end of the day, you'll feel lonely,' said Trina.
'When I was in Australia, I enjoyed driving through the countryside in my 2.2-litre Toyota Camry. I could afford more things in Australia and I led a comfortable life. But whenever I was back in my apartment, I felt an unbearable sense of loneliness.'
'I just want to settle down soon as age is catching up with me.
'Most of my friends and cousins are already married,' Trina added.
Her criteria for a good husband is simple.
Single men aged between 27 and 45, with sex appeal.
She is not ruling out foreigners.
Someone who is romantic, a gentleman, well-travelled and knowledgeable would be the icing on the cake.
What if you rush into marriage with the wrong guy?
'EVERY CHOICE IS A GAMBLE'
'I will not marry someone I don't love. Every choice is a gamble.'
Mutual commitment is the key, she feels.
This is when a couple will work to make the relationship succeed.
'Most of the time it's the men who cannot commit,' she observed.
'They always tell me 'It's not really working', or they feel bad about not having enough time for me.'
Would her family approve of her plan for an arranged marriage?
'I know that I will have to face a lot of criticism from people, even my own friends and relatives.
'I will also have lots of questions to answer from my parents when they read about me in the newspaper.
'But I can handle this,' she said confidently.
'My parents are English-speaking and my dad does not really practise many of the traditional Chinese customs. Maybe that rubbed off on me.'
She studied in Raffles Girls Primary School and CHIJ Toa Payoh.
With a NCC diploma in computer studies, she left for Adelaide in 1999 to further her studies.
After her graduation in 2001, Trina returned to Singapore.
'I wanted to find a job and a boyfriend,' she recalled.
'Six months passed and I couldn't get a proper job or boyfriend. So I decided to move back to Australia.'
But things were no better there.
She returned to Singapore again in 2004 and moved in with her retired parents at their four-room HDB flat.
She had a younger brother, who died seven years ago.
After her return in 2004, Trina has devoted all her time to looking for a husband.
She has been jobless since, and has been getting by on her savings from her last job as a loans officer in a bank.
'My parents do not need me to support them financially and I live within my means.
'I am not the typical Singaporean girl who indulges in shopping and dining.
'Grocery and window shopping is more for me. And I enjoy cooking, tennis and powerboating,' said Trina.
LONELY IN S'PORE
Life is not all that bad.
But what Trina cannot handle is the loneliness.
The Internet creates the illusion of multiple connections where none really exists.
People chat and chat but much of it is superficial and anonymous.
Blogs may get personal but they emphasise solitariness.
Lonely writers and lonely readers.
One click and people move on in a flash.
Quickie relationships abound.
Trina's question is: What is wrong with wanting to fall in love, get married and have children?
'Whenever I see couples in shopping malls, I feel sad. Why can't the girl be me?'
Loneliness has prompted this bold move to seek an arranged marriage.
'What I am hoping for is to meet a pool of guys whose serious intention is to find a wife soon.
'Hopefully, the one who is interested in me will agree to marriage without wasting more time trying to find each other's flaws.'
When ideals remain forever elusive, mutual commitment to creating a lifelong relationship might be the only way to go forward.
Do you agree?
Then you might be The One.
| 
