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When my best friend Julie Futrovsky called me to tell me she had three dates in one week, I naturally told her how happy I was for her. Then I immediately swapped the cashmere scarf I bought for her birthday for wool socks. Julie has had nine dates in three weeks. The wench wasn't getting cashmere.
"You have to do it! You have to internet date!" She screamed to me over the phone.
"I'm way too cool to be online, Julie." I replied. "Besides, you live on the east coast. LA is different."
"If I wasn't running late for my date with Mitch, the lawyer who played basketball for an ACC school, recycles and has a yellow Lab named "Mr. Kotter," then I'd tell you...for a stunt woman, you certainly are chicken shit."
She was right. I was petrified to go online, and I'm a ballsy girl. I've been a stuntwoman for 13 years. I crash cars. Jump out of helicopters. I've drowned in "Titanic." I beat Jackie Chan for a "World Stunt Award" and beat "Spiderman" for another. Why couldn't I go online?
I was sure that the dating sites would be full of bisexual, nonvoting, peaked in high school, mama's boys. It wasn't until my friend called to tell me she was engaged to her boyfriend (whom she met ON-LINE) I decided it was time.
You see, I really didn't have a hard time meeting men, but I had a hard time finding men to meet. I was tired of going out to bars. Set-ups and blind dates were torturous. I don't want my friends to pick out my outfits, why would I want them to pick out my men? Dinner parties were great, but they were an urban dating myth. Nobody invites a single to a dinner party in fear that we'll ruin their even seating arrangement.
Another urban dating myth is meeting men at a grocery store. Come on!
The last time I had a stitch of make-up on at a grocery store was when I played dress up and went shopping with my mommy for TAB.
I'm not lying when I tell you it's just darn hard to meet decent guys. When I was writing, I was holed up in my house so I wasn't meeting people (does the Fed-Ex man count?) When I was on set I was too focused on not getting killed to put out that "available" vibe. I had to shake things up. I had to meet a decent man who didn't live in his car, have a gambling problem, or worked at a bar...no disrespect, but I'm not a tarantula. I like to sleep at night and be awake in the day.
So I did it. I freakin' did it. I was an on-line dater. A statistic of Al Gore's Internet.
And I was a natural.
It is now my duty to my potential sister daters to share my knowledge.
RULES ON CREATING YOUR PROFILE
1. TONE: Be light with hints of depth. Your profile is not your diary. Be sparing with smiley faces, LOL's and too many exclamation points...when I say 'sparing' I mean never. Don't over-share, but be detailed enough so people can get a sense of you. You may be Jewish, but like Nietzsche and find yourself intrigued by "Apocolpyto". Share. You may be low maintenance, but tend to change tables at restaurants. Share.
You might have an obsession with "Left, Right and Center" but you're clueless on your own states propositions. Share. You think there is proof of a higher power because of the creation of Jr. Mints, Clive Owen and Nina Simone. Share. What you don't want to share are stories or antidotes of ex-boyfriends, or how you're in therapy because you have issues with your mother. Don't share your secret obsession with Jimmy Choos or your intolerance of dairy. And for G-d sake don't write that you feel comfortable in little black dress as well as jeans and a t-shirt. Duh! Unless your "little black dress" is a burka, every woman can do a black dress as well as jeans. We're women. That's what we do. It's redundant.
2. WEIGHT: It's okay if you're a big girl and it's okay if you tell white lies, but DON'T BE A BIG FAT LIAR. Being a liar is the worst possible crime for Internet dating. If you want to be "creative" with your weight, then 5-8 pounds is the limit. I can't tell you how many men have told me that they didn't ask a woman out for a second date because they lied about their weight. If you're meeting a man out and he passes by you a few times, it's a sure sign your picture doesn't represent you. This could be detrimental to other women on that sight.
This perfect match for someone could have been on the fence about on-line dating and your big lie made him cancel his subscription and go back to his ex. Congrats that you were 115 in college, but unless you're currently wearing your Kappa sweatshirt, drinking Jolt and pulling an all-nighter for you econ final, write your CURRENT weight. You are not going to be the last woman on earth that won't fall in love because you're honest with your weight.
3. AGE: See above about lying. A few years are okay to "alter" but no more than two. Why is this lie okay? Men aren't as creative as we like them to be. They fixate on a number and it can hinder your profile from showing up on their "matches." If a man puts in his preferences that he's looking for someone between 28-36 and you're 37, but feel 28 he'll never get to meet you. Since they lie about their height, I feel it's only fair to shave off a few years. If they write 5' 9" then they're 5'7" tops. If they write 5'7" then they're 5'5" on a good day. Men add inches, women subtract years. New math? No, just Internet dating.
4. INTENTIONS: Ask and ye shall receive. If don't want children and you're looking to hook up, check that box. If you want the whole shebang, pick that option. You're on-line because you want to meet someone, no sense playing coy, it'll just be a waste of your time and money. I'm 38 and I was a bit fearful that a potential suitor would think that I was in a rush to meet someone just to have a child before I would have to move the Hagen Daz to the side to make freezer room for my eggs. Little do men know that I've saved the air miles and have the Thai embassy on speed dial if the time comes for me to pick up "Baby Tran." Seriously though, never lie about your intentions. Deciphering their intentions is a whole different story. See below on ""PROFILING A PROFILE."
A. Beware of play on words with screen-names. True intentions are revealed here. If their screen name is "Snatch Happy" or "Loves to Go Down" or "Boysarecooltoo" then you can pretty much figure out what they're looking for.
5. PICTURES: Oh lord. The dreaded picture. Unless you're Charlize, you're probably dreading this part. More than one picture is usually best. Something natural, classy and maybe something a bit more fun. I always tend to look up women (yes, it's okay to do some research) who have picture that is straight on and real (with a splash of good lighting). It says, "This is me. I have nothing to hide. Yes, that's a crooked nose because I broke it during a tennis lesson. Yes, I have crow's feet because I like to laugh. Yes, I have a chipped tooth because my brother kicked me in the mouth when we were playing "Six Million Dollar Man." Of course if you can pull off the sexy librarian then do it, because boys will be boys. Be natural. Don't take a picture of yourself by yourself. All we'll see is an outstretched arm, a fake smile and a double chin. ." If you have a great smile, show it.
Fantastic eyes? Let 'em shine. Men will not read your profile unless they like your picture. Don't be scared to have your photographer friend to take a few shots. This does not mean you're going to the mall and getting your Tammy Faye on and getting Glamour Shots. Your Olan Mills baby shots always turned out better than your mother's.
A. Don't be a hussy. Bathing-suit shots are tricky. If they're too revealing and they say "Hey big guy, look at my half naked body and yes my nips are happy to see you", you'll tend to pull men who are on a first name basis with the women of "Crazy Girls.
B. Be careful about being too original...it sometimes comes out cliché. I've seen many women on camels, horses and other such animals. If you've only been to one NFL game don't put a picture of yourself at that game or you'll end up getting e-mails from "Monday Morning quarterbacks" and you'll be slammed with football anecdotes from suitors.
C. You can't go wrong with The Wanderer. Travel pictures area always good because they can open up conversation. "You've been to Provence? Me too! Who knew that my grandmother was ahead of time drinking Rose!" Something like that.
D. No matter how hot your ex is, don't put a picture of the two of you on and if you chose to ignore this tip, then for heaven's sake don't "Leatherface" (scratch out) or "Casper" (white-out) his face. All your viewer will try to do is make out your ex's face.
E. Family shots are tricky, but can be done. If you put a picture of you and your mother up, you can darn well rest assure that you viewer is staring at your mom to see what you'll look like in 30 years.
PROFILING A PROFILE: Deciphering their profile and picture.
1. RED FLAGS: It's reading comprehension time. It's all there in the profile. You just have to be a profile detective. Here's some tips: No matter how cute and intelligent they are, no matter how great their job is, if they mention that they go to the gym regularly and they're looking for a woman who also goes to the gym religiously, they're looking for "A over B." Ass over brains. If they say they're only looking for a date, they're looking to play the cyberspace field and get as many blowjobs as they can. If they want a date and a relationship, then you're in it for a few months. If they want marriage, but don't mention kids, then guess what...they don't want kids. No matter how fantastic you are, they warned you before you even met. It's right there in their profile. They don't want kids. Save yourself some year, this won't change.
Call me; I'll give you Thailand's number. If they checked the box that they're "middle of the road" politically, but they've given money to the republican candidates this year you can call them out on it. Find out his beliefs before someone has to drive in from Orange County and waste your time. Oh and if they are on multiple dating websites then they have ADD, way too much time on their hands and possibly have cheating potential.
a. Beware of "BITTER BOY!" BITTER BOY WRITES IN ALL CAPS AND WRITES THINGS LIKE: "I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN GIRLS PLAY GAMES." And "I HATE IT WHEN GIRLS ARE FAKE!" Bitter Boy just got dumped and you want no part of this guy. When the CAPS disappear from his profile, he's ready.
b. If they played a sport in high school and feel the need to tell you about it, then they've probably peeked in high school and chances are they still wear their school ring.
c. If they misspelled more than three words in their profile, they're either too lazy to spell check or they were in the bathroom for the entire 4th grade when they learned basic spelling. I know I was.
2. PICTURES: Some men do it right. They take unpretentious, look straight into the camera and smile (more like smirk) photos and we get a sense of them. Some lift their favorite niece or nephew (saying "hey, don't I look good with a kid?) We likey. We also like the ones where someone (usually an ex-girlfriend) caught him off guard and took his picture. This is why he looks so natural and fantastic. What we don't like are "ACTION FIGURE" pictures. How can we tell what you look like if you're wearing a puffy Bogner Ski-suit and goggles? We can't see their eyes when they have a bike helmet on. Be weary of men at weddings (AKA TUX-MAN.) This goes the same for super tan and trim guy in Hawaii (AKA VACATION-GUY). This is the best he will ever look and you may or may not see that until you're either on your wedding or honeymoon. If it's the best picture ever then you're entering dangerous waters. Here lies the-
a. 'FOURTH PICTURE PHENOMENON." The fourth picture is an enigma. This phenomenon occurs when the fourth picture doesn't look anything like the first three pictures. The fourth picture looks more like (insert your fantasy man) and less like the guy on the phone behind his desk in picture 2 and the massive group dinner shot in picture 3 and nothing like the man with the cat on his lap in picture 1. If you find yourself only zooming in on the 4th picture you're going to be in for a rude awakening. The 4th picture is a mirage. This guy doesn't exist. The other pictures are posted for a reason. That's what he really looks like. The hottie 4th picture is a glitch. A happy accident in shutter speed. The best version of his self (see Vacation-guy and Tux-Man above). With this said, I have totally fallen for 4th Picture Guy in the past. Date one I was bummed because I felt deceived and ordered Grey Goose instead of Kettle One. He can fork out the extra three dollars. Date 2 (it was a slow month and New Year's was around the corner) was a blast. He made me laugh and when that man was funny his 4th picture shown through. 99% of the time, 4th Picture Guy is tricking you, but there is tiny chance that you could fall for 4th Picture Guy. . But be warned. Also be warned:
b. A guy in a hat is bald. It doesn't matter how thick and bushy his side burns look. It doesn't matter how "Chris Martin" his beard looks. If he's wearing a hat in his pic he's follicaley impaired. NOT TO SAY ANTHING IS WRONG WITH THAT.
c. A man who takes a picture with his mother will always "be with his mother."
d. A man who takes a picture in front of his sports car is compensating for something below the belt and I'm not talking about the fan-belt.
e. A man who takes a picture with his dog is a keeper. A man who takes four pictures with his dog is just scary. A man with a cat is okay...if he's a Brit. If he has three cats, he needs to reveal that an ex left them.
f. A man who doesn't have a picture up is either someone in the public eye, someone with a cleft pallet, or someone who thinks that he's too darn hot and will get too much fan mail if he puts a picture on. Come on...get over yourself. Put your picture up, that way when we run into you at Barnes and Noble and notice that you're adorable in real life we can e-mail you later and say "Hey was that you, YANKEE66 buying "The Sun Also Rises? I love Hemmingway too!" Okay, not that cheesy, but you get it.
g. A man who is turning 40 may be online dating because he's reaching a "midlife awakening." Beware. He might not know what's he doing or looking for and it's safer and cheaper than buying a Harley or banging a hooker.
h. A man who takes a picture with three "Hooter" looking girls will always have those girls with him. Stay away from this guy. This guy can't floss without the "p*ssy posse's" consent. They travel in packs and one of his DD cup friends will inevitably be breaking up with someone and need his support on the night you have tickets to the Hollywood Bowl.
TIMING IS EVERYTHING: Knowing when to go online.
1. There is a right and wrong time to email. Work hour emails usually are short and to the point because time is an issue. They don't go as deep as evening emails because men tend to get distracted with...work.
2. Never go on-line on a Friday night. Never go on line on a Friday night. No matter what. It is a sure sign you don't have a date for Saturday night. If you don't have a date for Saturday night then cyberspace daters will think something is wrong with you...even if they don't have a date on Saturday night themselves. Addendum to the "no matter what." You can only go online Friday night if it's late. Post date late. Post bad date late. This works for Saturday night, but you'll be pulling from a different crowd. You can use this as a tool to break the ice. For example: "I just got back from the worst date. My date flirted with the waitress, just to show me how charming he was, then proceeded to tell me about the sexual dysfunction of his last partner, and then he ordered the most expensive bottle of wine and made me pay half. Bush league!" Online partners can sympathize and may tell you about their bad dates.
3. Sunday night is the loneliest night of the week. You've finished the NY Times and the Sopranos aren't on so this is your night. It's also a great guy's night. Sunday night online daters tend to be looking for relationships. People are a bit tired so the banter isn't as witty, but Sunday night is a good night for a "wink" or "shout out" or to just visit to a profile.
4. Monday night is the ideal night to online date. Monday, winter nights is football so the boys are buzzed and looking for love. Monday nights in the spring and summer (aside from no-limit poker) are dull. Monday night is the perfect night to make contact...and yes you can contact them. You don't have to ask them out, just give them a shout out and then put the ball in their court.
5. Tuesday and Wednesday are good nights too. You don't want to be on-line too many nights or guy's viewers will know that you're glued to your computer. Of course you could always change your preferences so viewers can't tell when you're on line. This diminishes your chances of a random IM, but the stalking is so worth it. If they can't tell you're online then you can view their profile repeatedly...unknown.
6. Thursday is a fair night to be online. Since it's too close to the weekend, you may be putting out the vibe that you don't have a date. Get your business done before Thursday, if you can.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: Making contact.
1. Don't string it out. Don't spend weeks emailing each other. Aside from all the work you'll be behind on because you're spending way too much time creating witty emails to your phantom lover, you'll develop a false relationship. When you finally meet he will be nothing like the man you foolishly created. If you wanted a pen pal, you would have stayed in touch with Lionel; the foreign exchange student who lived at your neighbor's house when you were in eighth grade. If you find yourself yearning for a recipient of soulful letters, write your grandmother. She needs to get more mail anyway and between her gin rummy and poker nights at the clubhouse; she has the time to read them. Some men are bad on the phone and don't write stimulating e-mails, but can still be great boyfriends. Don't be too quick to judge. However, if he can't find time to meet for coffee after weeks of e-mails, he's a workaholic, dating too many women at once, married; or D. ALL OF THE ABOVE
2. You don't need to e-mail everyone back. You don't want to spend your precious time coming up with the excuse to let them down. You so don't want to open an e-mail can of worms. You can ignore them, and hope they get the hint or you can send a short email with a foolproof reason why you're not interested. "Dear Dr. Mike, I'm flattered that you picked me out of the pack and I'm sure you're a great guy, but I tend to like (insert classy excuse: men who are taller than me, men shorter than me, men who live closer, men who don't email me three times a day...)
3. Talk on the phone before you meet. Though there are many men that don't give good phone, you can find out if he sounds more like Clooney and less like an Olympic Skater. You can also find out if he takes his call waiting or how he talks to his dog when doggie barks at the neighbor. I was totally into this guy, but when he baby talked to his dog, game over. "You shouldn't barkwarky at the mailyman, now should you, Boopy? Thank goodness I heard that. It saved me a red wine hangover...which leads me to the next rule:
4. Don't ruin your favorite place. Dates shouldn't be taken to your joint. Your joint is sacred and will be tainted. Besides, your favorite bartender will mock you and you'll ruin all chances of having a serious relationship when he finally gets that acting gig on ER and quits the bar.
5. Coffee if you're on the fence, drinks if you think you'll dig him. If you really think there is a connection then go ahead and catch a buzz. DO NOT GET TOO DRUNK! Two-glass minimum no matter how much fun you're having. You want a second date, right? Just because you feel like you know the man because you like his profile, picture, voice and choice of libation, and you sense he likes you too, odds are you're not the only girl he's emailing. Intrigue is still key. This is not a game. This is online, baby and all is fair in love and Internet dating.
6. Don't pull a "two-fer" Only one date per night. You'll mix up details. Imagine how beat you are at your 4:00 meeting on Friday. That's how dull you'll be on your second date. Try to space them out so you can reboot.
7. Keep a notepad. I know this seems weird, but screen-names can be tricky and you might confuse YANKEE66 with ORIOLES79. If you keep a notepad you can write stats on your favorite guys for quick reference. You'll know that YANKEE66 has three sisters, plays the French horn in his spare time and has a sailboat named after his first pet "Kerri." You won't confuse him with ORIOLE79 who always wanted a sister, likes French food and helped raised money for Kerry's campaign.
8. Discipline yourself. Try not to date two men with the same name unless you memorize your notes.
9. And never meet for dinner or do a Saturday night date. You're a busy woman with tons on her plate. Don't commit to such a chunk of time unless it's a date after the first meet.
That's about it for now. I hope this helps. There are so many wonderful men out there hoping that you can muster up the nerve to join them online. Be honest (within 5 pounds and 2 years) honest and be yourself. I've had many wonderful experiences and am so glad I did it. G-d speed.
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