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Rule One: If you say you'll call me and don't, it can only be because you lost my phone number. Next time I run into you, I'll have it tattooed to your forehead. I'll include the area code.
Rule Two: If you show up more than 30 minutes late for a date, bring flowers. If you show up more than an hour late, bring chocolate. If you show up two hours late, bring a date because you're not going out with me.
Rule Three: You will compliment my shoes. My toes feel like they're caught in a mousetrap and are evolving their own tear ducts so they can cry by themselves. I spent 45 minutes emptying everything I own from my closet onto my bed just so I could select this outfit. You came straight over after playing basketball with your friends and smell like the locker room at the sports arena. If you don't at least mention my shoes, I'll press my heel down on your foot, and then you will notice them.
Rule Four: I assume the reason you're staring at that attractive woman across the restaurant is that you think you recognize her from America's Most Wanted. Either pay attention to me or go over and make a citizen's arrest.
Rule Five: Going to your place to "hang out" does not constitute a date, though I do appreciate being offered the opportunity to view your extensive pizza-box collection. And your mastery of the remote control is impressive. I'd like to stay, but I'm afraid that whatever has died in your laundry hamper is making me ill. Why don't you e-mail me when the game is over? In fact, e-mail is probably the best way for us to stay in touch from now on.
Rule Six: I find it odd that you're going on and on about how you aren't ready for a serious relationship with just one person when you so obviously are in love with yourself.
Rule Seven: How wonderful that you have a picture of your ex-girlfriend in your wallet to show people what a pretty woman you used to date. Thank you for sharing. I'll give you a picture of me for the same purpose.
Rule Eight: It really isn't necessary for you to tell me you don't want to have children. We won't be doing anything that might cause them.
I offered to write up these rules for my daughters to post on their front doors, but they just rolled their eyes at me in a way I interpreted to mean that they consider themselves adults so I should just tell their dates in person. I'm more than happy to do so and, in fact, have a couple of extra Simple Rules of my own for my daughters to obey.
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