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Some men are clueless on how to behave

Date: 2006-12-08

Well, for those jerks out there who really aren't jerks but are just acting like one, Dr. David Wexler to the rescue. The clinical psychologist says that most men are not relationship criminals, they're really decent guys just behaving badly — and he wants to help them behave better.

According to Wexler, there are actually biological, social and psychological causes for uncaring conduct that sabotages a meaningful relationship. So for those men whose values and actions just don't jive, the clinical psychologist wants to help bring out the good guy they truly are and stop letting the "jerk" hijack their lives and their relationships.

Wexler is not excusing any bad behaviour — everything from infidelity, putdowns and emotional withdrawal to criticism and coldness. Nor does he vilify those who've fallen from grace.

In his new book, When Good Men Behave Badly (New Harbinger Publications), he attempts to explain the male struggles and behaviour and offer insight, clinical experience, practical advice and strategies for improving relationships and intimacy.

"Because they are emotionally out of touch and are knocked off balance by what the relationship seems to demand, some turn to destructive behaviours like having affairs, sarcasm, shutting down completely or to quick fixes like drugs or drinking," says Wexler, who specializes in the treatment of relationships in conflict in San Diego. "They just don't get what they're supposed to do."

According to Dr. William Pollack, author of Real Boys and a psychiatrist at Harvard Medical School, the vast majority of good men are yearning for meaningful connection, but "too often, their inner fears push them to lose these opportunities for genuine relationship or to go astray."

Pollack says their shortcomings are no surprise considering the rigid emotional straightjackets of their boyhood. "... Many were forced into rigid models of masculine behaviour that required stoic independence, the avoidance of showing the world their emotional pain and the need to keep their normal human vulnerability a secret."

Thus, report the experts, men acquired no skills or tools to handle the emotional demands of relationships and developing intimacy. So in times of stress and emotional conflict, "well-intentioned, good-hearted good guys act in destructive ways that don't reflect their true character," says Wexler, adding that existing research about the male brain and neuropsychological functioning indicates that men are "often maladaptive for the demands of modern relationships."

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, a New York psychologist, agrees "100 per cent that men behave badly for a reason. I get accused of protecting men but I'm not protecting or excusing their behaviour."

Boyhood development leads to rocky relationships: "There's an abrupt schism in normal boyhood that compromises a man's ability to have intimacy for the rest of his life. Because of the developmental stage where boys are forced to separate from their mother and identify with their emotionally-detached father at too early an age, they are scarred," says Eaker Weil, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin.

"They never reconnect back to their mother, so they have trouble reconnecting to other women later in life."

Unmet dependency needs and vulnerability issues lead to acting out in destructive ways, adds Eaker Weil.

"It's up to the women to be the guardians of connection and show men emotion and how to relate."





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