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Is it one of generosity and sharing, or does one partner hoard all the money and dole out a weekly allowance according to meticulous calculations?
Whatever the money mode, you can bet a similar dynamic is going on in other marital arenas — such as the bedroom.
According to Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, "the way an individual handles money reveals a lot about the type of person he or she is and how he/she handles sex, as well as emotions in general. If they're controlling, domineering and stingy with the finances, then it'll spill over into the bedroom.
"If someone withholds money, it'll be the same with affection — so beware," says the New York therapist and author of Make Up, Don't Breakup.
Marie Jones (not her real name) can attest to that. The 36-year-old stay-at-home mother of two has no access to her husband's paycheque — or affection, either.
"He's always been an extremely controlling person who's stingy with his money and with hugs, kisses and compliments," says Jones.
"When I was working, I had nothing left from my paycheque after paying for day care, food and all of the kids' needs and lessons — yet he refused to share.
"He makes about $150,000 and still only buys things for himself," says Jones, who hides any extra money she can save up from the cheques he writes her for household expenses.
EQUAL ACCESS IMPORTANT
According to Eaker Weil, it's extremely important that both parties have access to their own money: "It's not OK to set up a child/parent syndrome where one person yields all the power and the other must ask permission."
Dr. Marion Goertz believes a man who is generous with his money will also be generous with his heart and she says that the way funds are allocated has the potential to make a partner feel unloved and not valued — bringing on resentment and ongoing conflict that can, ultimately, destroy a relationship.
"It is amazing how seldom couples discuss financial matters before they get married and yet it often becomes a hot spot in their relationship — especially when the bills for the wedding start coming in.
She says money is one of the potential landmines for couples because of the inherent meanings associated with the acquisition and allocation of funds.
"In some ways, it's like sex: We don't talk about it beforehand — it's a mystery. We just hope it will all work out and come together, so to speak."
Not likely in either case, she says. Yet many of the conflicting values and expectations around money could be negotiated if the couple took the time to do so.
According to Eaker Weil, because opposites attract, it's only par for the course that power struggles are going to surface when it comes to money; middle ground is going to have to be reached in order for the relationship to prosper.
"But when joint budgeting becomes a reality after marriage, those approaches can become a source of great pain and conflict.
"At some level, both knew what they were getting but thought it would all work out and they'd meet in the middle."
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