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The connection is instantaneous and overwhelming and the two of you hang back for one more nightcap, and while conversation flows, so does the wine and the sexual tension.
By the end of the evening, the deal is sealed — in more ways than one.
Now what? In the cold light of day, the age-old dilemma of a sexual affair looms: To tell, or not to tell?
It’s an emotionally-charged issue brimming with blame, shame and emotional upheaval — and possible marriage disaster.
But, by spilling the beans, are you benefiting your spouse? Or just unburdening yourself?
“Suck it up and keep quiet,” says infidelity expert Pat Gaudette, author of Midnight Confessions: True Stories of Adultery.
“Living with the guilt is a just punishment for the betrayal. People tell because they’re too filled with guilt to keep quiet. They expect that they’ll be able to say, ‘honey, I cheated,’ and all will go back to normal.
“It doesn’t happen that way and they’re confused, angry and devastated when their spouse won’t quickly forgive and forget,” adds Gaudette, the divorce support guide for about.com.
But relationship expert Mort Fertel believes secrets and lies impede intimacy and create distance in a relationship: “In most cases, it’s best for the offender to come clean and be honest. It’s hard for a marriage to succeed long-term when there’s a mountain of deceit that hasn’t been discussed or worked through,” says Fertel, of marriagemax.com.
Only rarely, says Fertel, should keeping mum be considered —“when it will absolutely destroy the relationship.”
Margaret, who asked that her last name not be used, was married for 14 years before an affair tore it apart.
“Before that, our marriage was pretty normal, with nothing really out of the ordinary,” says the mother of two teenage boys.
“Then one day I noticed a difference in my husband — he was delirious with happiness. So happy he had to tell his best friend what he had done, which was have a hot affair.
“And his best friend was me. I thanked him for his honesty, and truly thought I could get through it as that’s how strong I thought our marriage was. But I couldn’t. Our marriage dissolved two years later.”
Dr. Debbie Magids says divulging all the dirty details depends on the circumstances and the motivation behind telling.
“If it was a one-shot deal and the motivation for telling is to relieve your guilt, then most likely it’s not a good idea. Sometimes it’s more selfish to tell all.”
According to Magids, a New York psychologist, if the affair was a one-time mistake and the marriage is actually good and you do really love your spouse, “telling ends up hurting him or her for no good reason.
“However, if your marriage is suffering, and your spouse is suffering and always asking what is wrong — and you are lying and she/he is hurting — then yes, tell. It needs to be dealt with and the marriage needs to be worked on,” she says.
According to practicing psychotherapist, Jaqueline Sussman, whether to tell a spouse is a very sensitive and individual decision:
There is no right answer for every situation.
“Usually affairs occur when there are problems in a marriage, which are created by the dynamics between both people, even though only one strays. An affair is a red flag to go back to the primary relationship and work on the problems.”
Most people who engage in affairs feel that their emotional needs are not being met in their marriage, says Sussman, a lecturer and author of Images of Desire.
“Affairs are quite prevalent. Most researchers estimate the current percentage of the population that has had an affair — whether just a one-night stand or involved in an ongoing one — is approximately between 40% to 60% of all marriages.”
But while the stats aren’t certain, the impact is: The disclosure of having an affair always creates pain and a sense of broken trust.
“So whether to tell or not has to be carefully weighed. If a person has a sense that they can be totally open with their spouse and that the disclosure of the affair will lead to a healing between them, then it is OK to tell,” says Sussman.
“However, most people cannot handle this information. (In that case), it is best when the guilt and conflicted feelings the betrayer has are dealt with on their own.
“If the reason for the affair can be solved within the person and he can come back to the marriage with a clean heart and spirit, he does not need to impose the pain of disclosure on the spouse. Hopefully, he is learning how not to have affairs anymore with the knowledge of what needs to happen to preclude any future affairs.”
Gaudette says affairs forever change the marriage: “If the spouse knows, even if the cheater doesn’t know the spouse knows, the trust is broken.
There is no way to go back to a level of pure trust.”
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