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Divorce rates are high. As a result, the decision to commit is being approached more cautiously than ever, say local love doctors.
“Are you going to build a house on quicksand or on a good, solid foundation?” says counsellor Melinda Hollis of Loussa Counselling Centre in Edmonton.
In the past three years, she’s seen a skyrocketing number of couples in their mid-20s and 30s, either contemplating a trip to the altar, engaged or newlywed, who want to begin their marital journey with “eyes wide open.”
“Young people are more open to counselling. They can get past the stigma attached to therapy that you must be mentally ill. It’s a commitment to better yourselves. But it’s very hard for people to admit they have flaws,” says Hollis, 48, who has been practising for seven years.
Many couples are also putting off the decision to tie the knot longer than before.
On average, a man gets married at age 34 and a woman at age 31, according to the latest information from Statistics Canada.
“Couples have so many options these days. I do think they are more discerning and, because they’re waiting, some of the elimination process is happening during the dating process,” says Bonnie Patterson-Payne, a social worker of 25 years who co-ordinates marriage preparation courses at Edmonton’s Holy Trinity Anglican Church.
Premarital counselling is an opportunity for couples to talk about such potentially thorny issues as family backgrounds, parenting styles, financial management, sexuality, spirituality, careers and goals, communication styles and conflict management, she says.
“It’s taking a good relationship and building on it by making sure that you discuss all different areas of your relationship so there aren’t any surprises later.”
She recommends couples complete a relationship inventory questionnaire, on her website (www.marriageprep.zip411.net) by following the “Enrich Canada” link.
“Is it predictive of making it or not? No. But it will point out the areas you need to pay attention to in your relationship,” she says.
The goal, says Patterson-Payne, is for couples to understand, respect and empathize with each other, even if they don’t see eye to eye on all of their issues.
“Premarital counselling can help them build the ‘us’ — the team — an identity far greater than the individual, that’s strong and interdependent rather than independent or co-dependent,” she says.
Is it a failure to go through premarital counselling and decide not to head down the aisle after all?
“No. On the contrary, it’s a success,” says Patterson-Payne.
Although she’s worked with couples who’ve arrived at this place, they account for less than 10% of her client base.
Hollis says counselling is a healthy option for couples and an opportunity for them to learn about each other’s needs and boundaries and practise validation skills.
With today’s great race to the bedroom, Hollis also recommends — while it may seem unrealistic — couples go one year without sex before committing to each other.
“You should build a relationship first from friendship. We don’t see things clearly when we’re in lust.”
The divorce rate in Canada in 2003 was 224 per population of 100,000.
According to the non-profit organization Child & Family Canada, Canada has the third-highest divorce rate in the western world.
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