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The holiday season is upon us and we know what that means—it’s time to go shopping! And let’s all just take a moment to be honest. When we’re out purchasing presents for those on our mandatory gift-giving list, we’re really just buying useless crap we’d enjoy. So, what do you really want this year? Love? Romance? A quick piece of hot ass? The future Mr. or Mrs.?
Thanks to the convenience of the World Wide Web, you can shop for gadgets to enlarge your penis, prescription medicines, toasters, stuffed animals and Mr. or Ms. Right (Now). Keeping with the theme of holiday honesty, we can all admit that we’ve done a little shopping through personal ads on the ‘net. It’s okay. It’s not 1986 anymore. Everybody’s doing it—even married folks.
To assist with your holiday shopping, I’ll provide some helpful hints on the joys of internet dating in a three part series. At this point, there may be some concern as to my expertise in this field. Fear not. I’ve had more internet dates than a $2 crack whore has given back alley blow jobs. You’re in safe hands.
As this is the season of unrealistic expectations, the unrelenting feeling that you somehow just don’t measure up and WHY the fuck is your family so screwed up, I’ll focus on the websites that cater to “normal” people. You do want to be normal, don’t you?
The Merchandise
Mr. or Ms. No Picture: They’ll tell you they don’t have a photo because they want to protect their privacy. Usually, they’re concerned about “stalkers” or their bosses finding out. Sometimes, they’re even “kind of famous.” Don’t believe any of this hype. It’s all code for: I’m married; I live with my significant other and s/he has access to the computer; or I’m butt-fucking ugly.
I’m Not Willing to Settle: Every time I see an ad shouting this sentiment, I can hear Lucy saying, “I just want what’s coming to me” on A Charlie Brown Christmas. But really, these well-intentioned folks aren’t riddled with a sense of entitlement. They have simply lost the ability to deal with people as flawed creatures. More than likely, they have been in the personal ad game for a long, long time. As a result, they want a composite partner made up of pieces of various people they’ve dated. They will kick you out the door if you don’t hold your fork correctly, because they have no real interest in the sometimes unpleasant reality of getting to know someone. They’ve yet to discover that reality is far more entertaining than fantasy.
Don’t, Don’t, Don’t: Lesbians and straight men, listen up. If you’re looking for a quick piece of ass from troubled women with serious self-esteem issues, find an ad riddled with bitter language where every sentence begins with “don’t.” These women will bitch about how evil men or dykes are, how they won’t put out on a first date (a sure sign you will, in fact, get laid), and how you had better treat them properly if you want to be in their world. What she’s really doing here is raging against her poor choices. Remember kids, poor choices=easy ass.
I Am So Amazing: When I see these ads, I wonder how someone so phenomenal could be single. In the dating game, like attracts like. So, if you’re fucking fabulous, you will likely attract someone equally fucking fabulous without a neon sign announcing your brilliance. Yet if you must boast about how amazing you are, chances are the real you is a little less ideal than the transcribed version. Remember kids, Confucius say, “The wise man need not say he’s wise.” Capiche?
New Name, Same Doofus: When I first moved to California five years ago, I found a niche site (don’t worry, I’ll cover niche and kink and freak sites in subsequent installments) to pimp my wares. I had lots of fun, interesting and sometimes horrifying dates. After I met my boyfriend and fell into new love bliss, I went back to see if any of the old players were still at it. Most of them were, but with new names. Remember, comparison shopping is important. If your item has been on the shelf for years, chances are it’s defective.
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